They'll None Of 'Em Be Missed

A song from The Mikado about a shit list.

As some day it may happen that a victim must be found,

I've got a little list--I've got a little list

Of society offenders who might well be underground,

And who never would be missed--who never would be missed!

There's the pestilential nuisances who write for autographs--

All people who have flabby hands and irritating laughs--

All children who are up in dates, and floor you with 'em flat--

All persons who in shaking hands, shake hands with you like that--

And all third persons who on spoiling tête-à-têtes insist--

They'd none of 'em be missed--they'd none of 'em be missed!

He's got 'em on the list--he's got 'em on the list;

And they'll none of 'em be missed--they'll none of 'em be miss'd!

There's the banjo serenader, and the others of his race,

And the piano-organist--I've got him on the list!

And the people who eat peppermint and puff it in your face,

They never would be miss'd--they never would be miss'd!

Then the idiot who praises, with enthusiastic tone,

All centuries but this, and every country but his own;

And the lady from the provinces, who dresses like a guy,

And who "doesn't think she dances, but would rather like to try";

And that singular anomaly, the lady novelist--

I don't think she'd be missed--I'm sure she'd not he missed!

He's got her on the list--he's got her on the list;

And he don't think she'll be missed--he's sure she won't be miss'd!

And that Nisi Prius nuisance, who just now is rather rife,

The Judicial humorist--I've got him on the list!

All funny fellows, comic men, and clowns of private life--

They'd none of 'em be missed--they'd none of 'em be missed.

And apologetic statesmen of a compromising kind,

Such as--What d'ye call him--Thing'em-bob, and likewise--Never-mind,

And 'St--'st--'st--and What's-his-name, and also You-know-who--

The task of filling up the blanks I'd rather leave to you.

But it really doesn't matter whom you put upon the list,

For they'd none of 'em be missed--they'd none of 'em be missed!

You may put 'em on the list--you may put 'em on the list;

And they'll none of 'em be missed--they'll none of 'em be missed!