Vertu

Vertu - The "Rolls-Royce" of Mobile Phones?

Coming to a high-end shopping mall near you soon: Billed as "the world's first luxury mobile phone company", Vertu is an independently-managed, London-based subsidiary of Nokia. The company will offer the discerning buyer a selection of hand-made GSM phones with sapphire screens, a liberal sprinkling of gold and diamonds and cases made out of exotic materials such as platinum. Vertu phones will have hi-fi quality sound too. They are future-proof insofar as they have upgradeable internals - after all, it'd be a bit of a blow if your 20-grand cell phone was outperformed by next year's "buy one, get three free" offering. They call this "Evolutionary Technology".

The actual retail price varies according to how closely you want your phone to resemble Liberace's piano, but it's estimated that the first Vertu cell phones will cost upwards of $20,000. Future products may be priced at a "more realistic" $3,500. I guess that actual price is academic once you get into this price region - there may be just enough tasteless film stars and lottery winners to make thing a success. The marketing ploy based on "exclusivity" may backfire, of course...

"Vertu - for when you've really made it in the crack dealing business."

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Famous owners:

• Mad Donna

Also known as one of the impending signs of the apocalype

http://www.vertu.com

Fear not, pathetic status-seeking worm!! The vertu phone is now fully on the market, you can now purchase one at one of the company's stores. While these exclusive boutiques can only be found in Paris, Singapore, London, Beverly Hills, New York and Hong Kong, this should not be a problem for you seeing as you already live in the center of the universe as you see it, which is undoutably one of these six locations.

Should you be worried about not being able to reserve seats for the theater or Chez Henri, and are quite sure that your cadre of personal assistants cannot handle such complex tasks, your Vertu comes complete with a concièrge function. Call us any time for any reason; we will be only too happy to help you. We have hired only the most well-trained executive assistants to ensure that such critical items as your spa appointment will not be mis-booked.

Now that you have acquired your Vertu and have taken the time to familiarize yourself with our online slave-service, you will undoubtably be ready to give us more obscene gobs of your money and accessorize! How about the platinum bracelet lanière? Should match wonderfully with your Palladium trimmed case! The two, together, should assuredly blind all those in your immediate vicinity; great, in a pinch, for keeping the paupers at bay! And, of course, your desk on the 132^nd floor should not feel left out. We have a gold-trimmed pedestal for your Vertu, also available for a mere couple of gobs of money.

Do not hesitate! Make your appointment today! Especially since we're desperately overbooked with nouveau-riche Euro-trash clients, and may not be able to accommodate you prior to the next big function. You really don't want to be seen without your Vertu at the next soirée, do you? All the cool CEOs have one!

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Seriously, these things are ridiculous. They vary between 6000 and 24 000 euros, for a CELL PHONE! You really must look at their web site, for it to be believed.

Ver"tu (?), n.

1.

Virtue; power. See Virtue.

[Obs.]

Chaucer.

2.

See Virtu.

 

© Webster 1913.