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The short answer is: Because that is exactly what they are. The longer answer takes time to consider, formulate, and compose. As a five time Nobel Prize winner for writing bestselling novels through Random House (my publisher), I am qualified for this task.

We have been patient with the poor and with working people for TOO LONG. It is time to rethink their status as "people." They add nothing, they are just laborers and layabouts with nothing special about them. The proper thing to do is to re-classify them as food animals. This will enable us to (1) Stop them from doing things that damage our country like voting and going about town, (2) Provide us with a food source after we hunt down and kill every goddamned animal on the planet (because they question our dominance of the planet), (3) Expand our dietary choices.

When you make the choice to butcher, prepare, cook, and eat a "person" it is moderately uncool, but if you re-classify them as a food animal there is no problem. A lot of people stiffen at mention of eating a newborn child, but that is very good, tender meat when butchered and prepared properly.

I currently own a fleet of 12 livestock trucks which can be driven around town. There will be a driver and an asskicker who will get out when he sees a layabout or laborer and he will grab the person and shove them forcefully into the back on the livestock truck. This will continue until 100 "people" are stuffed into a livestock truck rated to carry only 20 "people," but as long as we classify these "people" as food animals, this is a public service that no one will have an issue with at all. The optics will be much better once we re-classify these "people."

It is an ABSOLUTE fact of life that if you do not make one million dollars by the time you are 28, your life is a complete and utter waste. Any of the other things you do are, in the end, pointless and meaningless. Big money lasts forever. You need to work for it, make it, invest wisely, and become rich like the good people I truck with. Who knows, you could have an opportunity to drive one of my livestock trucks to round up food animals.

Now, we will need a plan going forward. At this point we have hundreds of food animals ready to be trucked to a location. We will need a secure location with a hospital. The food animals will be lobotomized so they don't get any rabbit in them. They will be penned up, fattened up with a diet of straw and reconstituted piss, and when the time is right we butcher them and deliver the meat to restaurants and homes for the dining pleasure of those who made something of their lives.

When we do this, only proper things will happen. The best people will get elected, the smartest people will be running companies, and the food will be delicious all the time because we won't have to restrict ourselves to the unnatural practice of eating cows, sheep, and pigs. Imagine if your brother, on his twenty-eighth birthday is still working at Arby's as a cashier. You tell him, "It is time. I already called President Goats' people and a livestock truck is on the way." Getting people to turn in their family members and friends will be key to this plan. We have to encourage it, even if we have to use death threats against the successful family member or friend to make it happen. As president, I can seize his assets without having to give a reason and then hold those assets until family members and friends are picked up by the livestock trucks. A media blitz about this is coming after my election.

Nothing says Thanksgiving like having your brother's carcass on the table with mint jelly and cranberry sauce and taters and a fine red wine. That is a blessed holiday.

In order to put forward this exciting and positive plan for the future, I am assembling a team of people who (1) Know how to drive a livestock truck, (2) Have millions in assets, (3) Are willing to accept the working classes as food animals and dine appropriately. With these aspects of the plan in place, the future looks very good for America and the world. My influence as a charismatic leader of this country will help this plan be accepted by other countries as well. Soon, only the good "people" will be considered human. The ones who failed will be classified as food animals.

It is the only way. God bless.

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