I'm Darvos Krolak, and I'm the director of Human Resources here at SPECTRE. That's right, I'm the guy responsible for that huge stack of binders you'll be carrying around all during Orientation. Don't shoot! Ha ha!
Not that your pathetic weapons will have any effect on me! Dogs! Curs! Soon you will all bow before the power of Krolak!
I know you have a lot to absorb during today's sessions what with learning about the benefits package, choosing a medical plan, signing various release forms, and surviving the onslaught of ninja cyborgs in the Octagon of Pain. But before we get into all that I'd like to show you this video that we made a few years back...just a bit of fun, really...
Gosh darn it, why isn't this projector coming on? One sec while I call our IT department.
This is Darvos Krolak. If the projector in Conference Room Twelve is not functioning in one minute, I shall destroy the entire Eastern seaboard of the United States. The clock is ticking, gentlemen, so I suggest you...what? Turn the lights off first, and then the projector will come on? Ah, I see.
There we go! We had this media company make a music video for us. Where they're singing "We Built This SPECTRE", that's that song by...oh, who was that group? Jefferson Starship! Boy, that certainly dates me doesn't it?
Okay, that's our director, Ernst Stavro Blofeld, playing air guitar there. How they convinced him to put on that wig is beyond me! He killed them all afterward, of course. Oh, and there in the background is our volcanic disruptor machine. Anyone here who's going to work in our R&D division? This is just one of the many exciting projects we've developed over the years -- among high-tech global terror organizations we devote the largest percentage of our budget to research. That's right. So you'll be very excited about that.
Johnson, you don't look very excited. Perhaps your family would be more excited to hear about our work. Shall we send someone to your home? Ah, yes. That's the kind of spirit we're looking for.
Does anyone have any questions so far? No? It looks like we just have time for a restroom break and then a "lunch buddy" from your department will arrive to escort you to the cafeteria. Watch out for the chili, it's a scorcher. Whew! Three alarm! So let me just say once again it's great to have you on board! And don't forget the Octagon of Pain later!