Okay let’s try this intimacy thing you talk about. You know how you talk about that thing. Maybe I need a cigarette for this. For the in-between bits in case that thing rises up. Maybe you should begin. No ask me something. But first I need some sort of burial cloth. To peel over my toes first then my ankles and knees, hips, belly, breasts, shoulders. My neck as well but I’ll keep the face. But don’t look at me. Just know that my face is there. Staring at the ceiling. Okay let’s begin. I want to begin but maybe I need it over my face this white sheet. Okay I’m ready now. I can’t smoke with this thing here shit. Okay I will try for you. The smoke might cloud over though I could start choking. Okay let’s begin. Wait I think it is happening. I think I am starting to choke. I think we should do this another time.

Well I was trying to debate why public nudity wouldn’t be acceptable. I was trying to say that people infected with sexually transmitted diseases are not the kinds of people you want loitering around the vegetable department of a supermarket. I didn’t think it was that funny. Wasn’t it a valid point? But they laughed so I laughed out of courtesy no, sympathy no, shock. I saw I left my burial cloth on my chair and I think we lost the debate. Don’t make me debate again please. Not with those people all there.

Okay let’s try this intimacy thing you talk about. Perhaps you could press your hands on my shoulders and shake me a little. Try vigourously. But can you move your hands to my throat. You want me to get out of the car. Okay I deserve to get out of the car. I couldn’t say anything you see because of the cloth and stuff. Did you see me walk inside like a little girl. You see when I was four I was sitting at a café with Mother and friend and next to our table my kindergarten teacher sat so I had to dig into Mother’s breasts and feign sleep until I got to bed at home. Yes I was crying. Mother knew I was crying because of those jerky motions in my shoulders. You can’t talk when your body convulses like that. Can we do this later?

She asked if it was menstrual blood so I said yes. Please I can’t do this now.

Okay let’s try this intimacy thing you talk about. Only I may start coughing. I swallowed some of the cloth and I’ll try to cough it up if that’s what you want. It’s really quite sinewy but it is in there. Maybe you could put your hands down my throat and tug it out. You want me to do it? Well okay but this may not work. Okay there you go it’s a little tangled does that make sense? Well it’s more compressed and misshapen. I really wanted you to understand I really did. Do you want me to get out of the car again? Okay I deserve to get out of the car. Hit me please. Next time hit me please. I deserve to be hit some times. Maybe if I could cut open my chest like this you can see what’s inside because that’s where it is hurting. Well I don’t know why it’s hurting I can not. Think right now.

It’s like a speech impediment you see or speaking a different language or speaking to a dead person. But you know what I mean don’t you? Remember the man on the tv who spoke a different language. I think we knew what he was saying. This isn’t going to work. You say you tried you really did try.

At home I’ll dig a hole and bury the cloth. You deserve that. And that chest thing I’ll do something about that. I’ll do something about those threads inside. I’ll band them around your chest that’s what I’ll do. You will see.

Useless is too strong a word
since it implies a Lost cause
While we live, nothing is really lost

So goes my argument

One in a long series
She mutters,
under her breath
not so low I cannot hear it
but low enough I have to strain

which is her intention
of course

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