This is one of my favorites. I originally posted it on Slashdot sometime last fall (1999), in a story that had something to do with Germany. I cleaned it up a bit just now while I was adding hardlinks and whatnot.

I really want to make it absolutely clear that this is a troll, and nothing here represents my own views, either implicitly or explicitly. I mean, if I'm not making myself clear, this writeup is really fucking offensive to damn near anybody who takes it seriously.

But it's just a troll. Really. If steam starts coming out of your ears in the first paragraph, keep reading. Remember, it's a troll; it's not what it seems.

I guess this is even worse than them Canadian KANOOK apes jumping and whooping around over the border up there. They're nothing more than a bunch of Germans too, if you ask me. Nice guys maybe but not too bright.

Did you know they don't even have a written language in Canada or Germany? It's true, they're so stupid -- I guess they've seen our newspapers, and they try to make newspapers of their own, but since they can't write and they can't hardly even talk, they just make a bunch of random letters together! I'm not kidding! They really do, I've seen it. So all these poor stupid Canadians walk around with these fake newspapers -- pretending to read them! I wouldn't believe it if I hadn't seen it myself, but they really do pretend like they're reading! They probably don't even know what reading is, but you know how they are, "Monkey see, monkey do." They're like the Chinese -- you go to Chinatown, they do the same damn thing, but they're so stupid, God, you won't even believe this, but they're even dumber than the Canadians -- they don't even know how to make real letters! They just make a bunch of little scratch marks in a square, and they line up a bunch of those and they stare at it for all the world like they think they're really reading something! It's the funniest damn thing you ever saw in your life.

You know, I keep an open mind and I'm not a bad guy, but I just have to get down on my knees now and then and thank God I was born in the good old USA (woo-hooo!) where I got a decent education. It must suck being a dumb foreigner not even being able to read. I knew a Chinese guy in college, he was in my TV Appreciation class but he quit showing up after a couple days, and he could barely even talk at all! He was nice, but man was he dumb! He said he it was a mistake in his schedule that he was in that class, I guess he had to go back and take the ra, ra -- darn, that's a tough one -- the ramenial classes first before they'd let him be in there for the advanced stuff that Americans can understand easy cause we've got all the advantages. He said something about taking, uh, can't remember it . . . "fiz", "phys", something like that, OH yeah, I know: I can't spell it too good but it sounded just like "Phys-X", I guess is was some kinda chink Phys-Ed or something. I didn't see him in none of my classes after that. I guess he didn't make it. I kinda feel sorry for him, but you know I had a real tough schedule right then -- I had arithmetic and reading in the same semester! It's just the sarrival of the faddist. If all he could hack was that "Phys-X" and he couldn't even pass a football I guess he just don't belong in college.

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