Beer bongs are a quick way to get shitfaced beyond shitfaced. They're pretty simple:

A long hose, usually about 18-36" with a funnel attached to one end.

With one end of the tube near your mouth, covered with your thumb, beer is poured into the funnel and fills the tube. After getting most of the air bubbles and foam out, the thumb is removed and the tube placed in the mouth.


Some people claim to be able to "open their throats" and let the beer flow down. I have no doubt this is possible, but it's urban legend as far as I'm concerned. Most people just drink as fast as they can, which usually isn't fast enough. Beer gets all over the damn place.

Like I say, you can get pretty fucking drunk using these. A bong virgin will sometimes spew all the beer right back up after gagging.

Really fancy beer bongs will have a nice, large diameter tube, big funnel, and a valve at the mouth end so you don't need to depend on your thumb, in case you get too drunk to maintain motor skills.
Sure any college freshman can funnel two Coors lights and burp for a day and a half...

BUT if this is now a little played out, and your friends have already pondered whether the beer would swirl counter clockwise into your friend's mouth if we were all south of the equator...

THEN may I humbly suggest a little twist on the conventional, something to put the animal back in your sagging party, three easy steps to a bacchanalian explosion of epic proportions:

  1. Go to your local convenience store, gas station, supermarket, etc. and buy a case (12 bottles) of malt liquor. For our purposes "Olde English 800" or "St. Ides" would be best, leave the "Colt 45" for Lando. For those of you who see where this is going... please govern yourself responsibly and read this write-up all the way through before you run off to the store.

  2. Now that you have the alcohol, you will need two large pitchers (I guess if you are stuck, you can use two large bowls in a pinch). Now this is the most important part of the entire process: Dump an entire 40 ounce bottle in to one of the pitchers, and then dump the contents of the full pitcher into the empty pitcher. Repeat this process (full to empty, full to empty, full to empty) until the entire 40 is completely flat. please do not question, nor skip this step of the process... many good men have given their lives, I mean lunches, to bring you this information.

  3. Now proceed to fill your beer bong with 1-3 bottles of malt liqueur, (depending on the size of your stomach and ego), and proceed to funnel the contents.
The effect of this procedure (if followed fully and faithfully) will be 0 to black out in $3.45 and thirty seconds

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