There is not much I can say

except his eyes have darkened

and in his half-dreams, once familiar

long cold fingers reach out

as if trying to grasp onto something.

Attempting to orient him, I pointed to

a full moon among white clouds, lingering

in a late August sky still blue,

the striation of purple as

the sun disappeared off to the west.

Surrounded by cats, our sons, and me

draping him with a soft blanket

for better or worse

not even the bird feeder full

nor a fire pit warming all of us

could keep his mind from

some imagined invitation

to a party just for him

that he dressed and waited

on the front porch alone,

angry, insistent and distant.

until death do us part

I cannot imagine living without him

and yet, yesterday was such a deep dive

into a world that belongs only to him,

this being the first time I could not

pull him back into the simple blue

sky of a perfect day, outwardly.

forsaking all others

He told the staff today he blamed his family

for his absence at the party, although

by morning he described the night as

one where we nailed him to a cross,

remembering the anger all day until

I told him despite his disease,

he had frightened and upset family

and needed to apologize to those who

love, care, and want him to be safe.

blue skies, nothing but blue skies

After fake tears and a rote apology,

he started in again on the invitation

to the imaginary party, much to my son's surprise

who had thought at 2 am someone was breaking in,

both of us realizing his current reality

has shifted and probably will continue to do so.

Blue days, all of them gone
Nothing but blue days from now on.

excerpts and changes to lyrics by Irving Berlin

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