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(Kids open refrigerator door)

KID 1: Awwwe, no milk? Looks like it's gonna be another coke-cereal day.

KID 2: Wait, what's this? (Leans into fridge)

KID 1: I think that orange juice is rancid by now lil' bro...

KID 2: No doofus, its CornMilk!

(Camera zooms uncomfortably close to KID 1's face)

KID 1:HUH?!

KID 2: Dur! C'mon! Breakfast is saved!

(Camera cuts to kids noisily sucking cereal directly out of bowls)

KID 1: Mmmm, it's so good, it tastes just like real milk!

MOM (satisfied, turning to camera): That's because it's made with* real milk and corn-derived substances, so not only does it have that fresh from the farm taste after weeks of unrefrigerated transit, I also know my family is getting the most wholesome food-like products.

KID 1: Look! Look! It's making my cereal pop and fizz! This makes breakfast a fun family event for kids like me!

KID 2 (shouts at top of lungs): More cornmilk!

(Next scene: a man in a white lab coat turning away from a test tube)

Why cornmilk?

Cornmilk is an economical alternative to animal-milk that will never spoil. Cornmilk is certified by the FDA and the USDA as a food-grade product, and therefore fit for human consumption.

I'm trying to limit my intake of sulfites, is cornmilk right for me?

Cornmilk is not right for everyone. If you are pregnant or breastfeeding, or have ever had an allergic reaction to petroleum products, cornmilk may not be best for you. Cornmilk should not be given to children under the age of four or to anyone with a compromised immune system.

My child only eats things that are artificially colored purple, is cornmilk right for us?

Yes! Cornmilk comes in a variety of flavors, including Berry Blast, Cocoa Catastrophe, Bubble Gum, and Purple-Flavor.

Can I lose weight with Cornmilk?

Cornmilk contains only 243 calories per serving, because it is made with indigestible cornstarch. Also, cornmilk contains a jolt of energizing caffeine, for a fat-melting accelerated metabolism.

Are 36 grams of high fructose corn syrup and 3.5 grams of partially hydrogenated corn and/or safflower, cottonseed, and pig oil per serving really good for me? Why wouldn't I just drink normal milk? Is this another government-contrived scheme to get Americans to eat even more corn?

Cornmilk is a fine product.

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