So you've had a long day noding your opus maximus. A couple of your noder buddies have dropped by to celebrate the end of the day and as is wont to happen when noders gather, the intoxicants flow liberally.
You partake. You enjoy the flow of noding company, coursing into and out of subjects non-noders and mere mortals couldn't track if they had guide dogs and GPSes.
Couple of hours later, it starts. You can't remember when you stopped drinking--somewhere between the discussions of minimum penis length to reach a woman's Gräfenberg spot and the chemical composition of a nuclear weapon trigger--it hits. And it gets worse as the wee hours of the morning progress.
You pass out. You wake up. Your head has been replaced by a slab of concrete. There is pain behind your eyes so strong it seems they're dangling from their sockets by the optic nerves. Your stomach is full of live cats chasing live hamsters. Every muscle in your body whines when you ask it to contract. Someone mentions a cheese omelet and you know you're going to yark up your duodenum right then.
Depending on the intensity, you begin to understand the roots of the right to die movement.
Well, Bunky, there's only one reason you feel this way. You haven't followed Dr. Owl's God-damn Sure-Fire Hangover Cure and Avoidance Regime. As they say to the hot shots at Top Gun flight school, read this and commit it to memory.
Vitamin B12 - 6,000 mcg (6mg)
N-Acetyl Cysteine - 750mg x 2
water - 32 oz
non-steroidal pain killer - standard dose
zinc lozenges - 1
coffee - lots
sex - lots
oxygen - couple of hits
Why and how to procure components:
All the ingredients for the cure are available over the counter in the U.S. of America. The only component that could be difficult to obtain is bottled oxygen, but that's not necessary for the cure. It's a quick and temporary fix well known by volunteer fire departments and ambulance squads.
N-Acetyl Cysteine is also known as NAC and is available at health food stores and mail order. It is an amino acid which helps restore the proper chemical reactions in a human's Krebs cycle. Drinking like a maniac causes the overproduction of lactic acid. Build up of lactic acid causes headaches and general malaise and screws up everything. NAC gets you back into balance.
Vitamin B12 is stored in the liver. Drinking like a noder depletes the liver of B12, which is essential in breaking down metabolized alcohol components. Restoring the B12 level to nominal is essential in beating a hangover. You can get B12 in any grocery store in the US.
Drinking dehydrates you. Water rehydrates you. Drink as much water as you can stand without puking. Puking up the water you drink just means you have to drink it again. Of course, if you're in the early stages of alcohol poisoning, puking is helpful. Puking is nature's way of getting shit out of your system before it's too late. But if you've been drunk for a while, all that Absolut is inside you and puking isn't gonna help. Water will.
Acetaminophen/Aspirin/Naprocin -- pain killers. Pain is best off dead. The problem with these is they run their sharp fingernails over your already raw stomach lining. But you gotta do it. (Be careful--taking pain killers while you're drunk puts a strain on your liver. If you do this a lot, you can get yourself in trouble.)
zinc lozenges. Drinking depletes your system of zinc. Disgusting zinc lozenges put it back. If you can stand them, they work. You can get these things in any drug store/pharmacy/chemist's in the US of A.
oxygen A hit from the green bottle kills the hangover pretty good pretty fast. All good doctors, fire fighters, and first aid workers know this. It's hard to come by, but if you can get it, good for you.
The best way to cure a hangover is to avoid one.
Now I hear you saying: hey Owl guy, you're not going to run that great big cement mixer of temperance over my tender vitals, are you?
Of course not, dear heart. I love you so I just want you to be prepared.
Professional drinkers the world over know to prepare for their hangovers before they start drinking. In the old days, I knew people who slurped up a couple of ounces of olive oil (theory: coat the stomach) or milk before drinking. Despite many experiments, I have no empirical data this works.
So you should eat 750mg of NAC BEFORE the festivities begin. I do have empirical data that taking the NAC, 1/2 the B12, and one Naprocin before entering the bar/pub/cat house/mission control/restaurant can not only delay the onset of a hangover, but also reduces recovery time.
Remember to drink lots of water while you're imbibing. Yes, your trips to the rest room will be more frequent. So what? Life is pain management. Most of us would trade off a blistering hangover for having to pee any day of the week. I'm banking on the hope you agree.
Ok, let's say drinking is nearly over for the evening. Now you do another NAC and maybe another 2mg of B12. Drink water. If you can possibly stand an athletic electrolyte-replacement beverage that's super good, but not entirely necessary. You're peeing out all your good blood minerals and the sports drink will replace them. Stay away from orange juice, vitamin C, or anything else that will upset your stomach till much later. Coffee is sort of okay at this point, but my own experience is that it's best left till later. Coffee will dehydrate you and counteract your hydration attempts.
Sex. Well, what can I say about this? Drunken sex just isn't that great. If you've got a spouse or S.O. who's willing to put up with your slobbering, then have at it. It can take your mind off hangover pain, and I don't know a noder worth his/her salt who couldn't manage it even when completely trashed. But I've found it works better on the upswing. And really--if you don't know the person important things can get forgotten in the heat of drunken passion. Waking up pregnant is terrible and evil. Waking up with a virus with an ugly name sucks. Being the cause of it warrants a crack in the skull from your Owl-dad. And I will find you.
The morning after:
Because you've been following my instructions, you've had a good night's sleep with no headaches. Your mouth is a bit dry because you dehydrated a little during the night, sleeping with your mouth open like that.
You feel a little shaky, but nothing awful. Drink lots of water now. Now you can have your coffee. If you can tolerate orange juice go ahead. You probably don't need an aspirin, but I've found it reduces those little body aches.
If you're still headachy after eating all that stuff, try the zinc lozenge.
After you've performed your morning hygiene and you no longer have bad breath and disgusting body smells, go have sex with your honey. Hey, you're not wasted anymore, so you can actually pay attention.