"In the future, pants will be made of meat!" - ranting man at the bus stop pushing shopping cart

There could be a lot of truth in the words of this seer of the future. Fashion trends have dipped into strange realms throughout history. Perhaps through the vision of this great man we can predict a fashion trend that could be viable within the next 30 to 70 years.

Meat pants, in their most simplistic form, will consist of various luncheon meats sewn hastily together by your younger sister. Anything from olive loaf to pastrami could be used. As the trend takes hold, designers will begin drying and smoking various meats to prepare them for the textile industry. These meats will be woven together to produce quality garments.


The early stages of the meat pants craze will be remembered for all the wrong reasons. Decomposition of pants will happen all too frequently, embarrassing the wearer of said article of clothing. New diseases and particularly nasty strains of well known ones will be closely associated with frequent and long term wearers of meat pants. Designers and manufacturers will take note of these issues and find solutions before mass producing comfortable and healthy pants.

Comfort and Contentment

By the time manufacturers resolve the health concerns of the public, other issues will remain. Animal and insect attacks will be a common problems. It will be strongly recommended that meat pants only be worn indoors in a secure, air conditioned environment. This will aid in the development of a new slogan for the meat pants industry, "Comfort and Contentment." The previous marketing campaign "Clothing You Can Eat On Your Lunch Break" will be dropped as the industry steers away from reminding the public of that fact. Long discussions will ensue around the water cooler about the difference between "food grade meat" and "pants grade meat."

All This Shall Pass

As with all trendy developments, meat pants will one day be a thing of the past. People will remember fondly and laugh about the days in which they participated in the wearing of meat pants. "What was I thinking?" Museums of popular culture will display meat pants as a curiosity of the past and young people will look at pictures and shake their heads as they go out to the mall in their ceramic socks.

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