The multinational corporations of the world are always looking for new ways to serve you better. That's why we strive to be on the forefront in the latest puppy-killing research.

We select only the cutest and most adorable puppies in the land. Then we kill them in devious, inspired, and extremely painful ways. Why do we do it? We do it for you. We know that you want the best hamburgers, automobiles, cola, lipstick, military hardware, cigarettes, cryptocurrency, and/or coffee available, and we know that the best way to bring it to you is wax a large number of little puppies.

Or at least that's what we told Congress.


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