It's been a little over a year since I moved back to my hometown. Up until this week, I didn't feel grateful to be here.
COVID-19 is worse in the city than it is here. There are more confirmed cases, and it's harder to avoid people. If I were still with my ex, I'm sure the drama in his family would be at an all-time high. They don't exactly follow regular laws, so it wouldn't surprise me if they ignored social distancing laws and got all of us sick. If I'd stayed there after breaking up, I wouldn't have a car, which would mean public transportation and increased risk of infection. The community gardens aren't allowed to operate because they've been deemed as "recreational," even though there are people who rely on them for growing food. I wouldn't have much social support. I would be far more stressed out and feel much more lonely.
The point is that I'm here — not there. I'm in a small town with family. It does suck that my workplace was forced to close down and temporarily lay us all off. However, I haven't bought my own place yet (and won't for a while, it seems), which means no huge bills to worry about. I have a car, so I can still get around safely. There's a nature trail right down the street where I go running. The garden we built last summer is going to be very handy this year. I'm actually excited to be of use to my parents for once. I've been gardening long enough that I know how to grow corn, beans, peas, tomatoes, onions, and other practical foods. I've already direct-seeded several cold-hardy veggies like radishes, peas, lettuces, and green onions. That should help cut back on grocery store trips. Also, I'll be helping out my father with his irrigation business later this month. His usual guys aren't coming back, and he must be desperate for help because he asked me to work with him. I'll do what I can. I don't know how the physical labour aspect of it will go, due to my crappy back, but I am fairly strong. We'll see.
Being home all day is harder than I thought it would be. I'm not the most social person ever and am usually quite happy to stay home and do my own thing. But I miss seeing my friends, and it annoys me that I can't do my workouts at the gym anymore. I also enjoy shopping at Winners. Goodbye to all that stuff! Now I spend hours every day researching gardening. One trick I'm going to try is warming up the soil with plastic sheeting. Doing that will allow me to start warm-weather plants a bit earlier than usual. Today I built a teepee for climbing peas. I've only ever grown the bush variety before. With a vining variety, I can use more vertical space and get more food. I also looked into crop rotation and companion planting, but I won't bore you with all of that.
I feel like I should be spending more time online writing. What I'm doing instead is following my passion and seeing where that takes me. I want writing to be fun for me again. At some point, it turned into this thing I had to do in order to x,y,z. It was for the end result. But what's the point of getting to the end if I don't enjoy the process? So what I'm doing instead is writing in my paper notebook again. Nothing interesting comes out, but that's ok. I think it still counts as progress.
I can't remember if I mentioned this in my last entry or not, but I'm feeling less angry these days. Talking things out with someone helped me to feel validated. I still think about my ex every day. Instead of feeling angry, I feel sad. I forgive him. I miss him. I don't want him to be happy — I'm not that good of a person — but I don't wish anything bad on him. I still hope that one day he'll realize what an ass he was and contact me to apologize. Other men have done this. I don't think he will.
The Walking Dead is on pause on Netflix. I'm rewatching Season 7 before catching up on the other seasons I haven't watched yet. It's something I used to do before dating my ex. Oh, and my weight is almost back to normal. That feels good too.
Thanks for reading.