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swift gloss over of beginning that was not ideal.
pause. rewind.
Begin again
A hot shower washes everything clean. It wipes away the salt, massages away the tension, softens the lines. A good wide toothed comb smoothes away the knots. Fingers plait with practiced ease. Comfortable sweats slipped over freshly lotioned skin, followed by a fresh mug of coffee
A cleansing breath in. A letting go of expectations. A kiss off to disappointment. It can be as simple as this. Today, it works and it's OK.
I bought a Christmas Tree at Home Depot. It was not a trek through the tree farm. It was not snowballs whizzing past. It was not the hunt for the perfect tree. It was not red noses and chilled fingers. It was not hot chocolate with peppermint sticks afterward. In fact, it was not a family fun event at all. This is our first Christmas on our own. Just the three of us. I had hoped to recapture once upon a time only to discover the kids did not want that at all.
Both insist upon a tree. One grapples with the unfairness of so much life being murdered just to pretty up homes for a few weeks. The other wants nothing to do with a fake tree. Two different teens. Two strong opinions. We arrive at the compromise of picking one already "dead". Only, neither want to pick it out. They want to go to the mall instead. They have "stuff to do". And it's OK. They are becoming their own people, just as they are supposed to. How can I fault them for that?
I can not locate friendly neighborhood boyscouts selling trees in this strange town. I am left with Home Depot. I don't look for perfect. I close my eyes and brush my hands along a row of trees as I walk by breathing in sawdust and pine needles. I stop at the one that touches me back. The man in the orange apron is very happy to bag me the tree, bind it up, and truss it into my car. He asks me why I didn't look at it before choosing. "You can make anything look good with the right dressing" I tell him "But you can't change the heart inside. This one feels right. That's all I need to know". He looks at me weird, then shakes his head. I just laugh and pay the man. I never thought I would be buying a dead tree with a heart at Home Depot. Life is weird sometimes.
There is a turkey roasting in my oven on a day that is not a holiday. Baked brie with cranberries and almonds sit on a good china plate. There are candles flickering on book shelves and the strains of The Lost Christmas Eve of Trans-Siberian Orchestra belt out of a cheap boom box.
The storage boxes closed up tight for five plus years spill open with Christmas past. And my imperfectly warm hearted soft touching tree waits to be dressed for the season.
The kids will come home to magic. It is not the same as once upon a time. But today, it really doesn't have to be.