So my girlfriend just got back in town and obviously I wore her ass out (Jamie god I'm so exhausted... what are you doing? ok FINE one more ohgodyesdontstop).
Between fucking sessions, she goes and uses the bathroom downstairs. My house is laid out like the fucking keebler elf tree, downstairs is the kitchen/living room with a bathroom. Upstairs is a gigantic bedroom (the stairs are steep as fuck it's like a ladder/stairs situation), and I'm pretty sure it's not legal for human occupancy. Aside from that it's fucking awesome, I have a skylight, a balcony, and like i said my room is enormous. $400/month utilities INCLUDED, son. I talked the landlord down from $600+utils so that's a brag imo.
Anyway, my toilet is all fucking possessed or something, and occasionally it gets stuck on perma-flush. I don't really care because utilities are included, and it sounds really weird when it gets jammed so I notice immediately and just fix it. My girlfriend doesn't have the same ability to notice when something mechanical is fucked up.
So, the girlfriend goes down, uses the bathroom, comes back up, we continue our fucking session. About an hour later, she goes downstairs to grab some food or something and she goes "Oh god Jamie, what the fuck." I assume she saw a bug or some other girly shit so I'm all "just fucking squish it, chill out no big deal." She goes "No seriously, get the fuck down here." At this point I'm thinking "must be a big fucking bug. Maybe I should put pants on. Fuck that I'll crush it with my cock."
I get downstairs, the entire fucking downstairs area is legit flooded with two inches of water. I carry her ass out of the house, toss her on the front porch, she splits, I proceed to drive to my parents place to steal a wet-vac.
What happened was this: she used the restroom, and clogged the toilet. When she flushed it, it fucked up and went perma-flush on her, creating a "perfect storm" of sorts when it comes to indoor plumbing.
The next four hours consisted of me wet-vaccing the entire house (no shoes), calling my friend who rents a room in the main house to make a beer run for me, and mopping the entire area with dish soap (no bleach available). Thank god for wet-vacs. I had to empty it three times, and it has a 14gal capacity. My house was flooded with 42 gallons of shitwater.
After I was finished, I washed my feet like an OCD motherfucker. I went to the local crackhead-populated gas station, bought a forty, chilled, and then wrote this writeup.