Τεστικλής
Testicles, son of Orchis, hence also know as Orchides, was a statesman of great achievement and little renown due to revisionist chroniclers in antiquity. Only now is this figure becoming better known, in part through the efforts of Mr Behr, though Behr has evidently been tied up in Ethics and unable to study history much. Testicles was not mythical but very real and had big, iron-age balls (not to be confused with testicles, as Behr rightly states).
As a Spartan citizen circa the sixth century before Christ, Testicles was raised in the traditional Spartan way, which turned men into men, women into women, and snivelling brats into vulture fodder. He led Spartan forces in inflicting a number of embarrassing defeats in minor campaigns against Athens, Corinth, and other soft-in-the-belly-flab states where art and politicking came before being a bunch of tough hombres devoted to kicking good-for-nothing, pansy posteriors. He occupied a number of senior positions in the Spartan government and, when not out at the head of a lochos, was involved in a number of significant reforms. He is probably best known for reducing the number of Real Men in Sparta to 300, with the reasoning that 300 Real Men could do the job just as well as 3000. This has sometimes been construed as a reduction in the total population of Sparta but this view is incorrect.
Testicles was an enlightened leader of his time but was not without error. Under his influence, the Spartan legislature cancelled the pioneering Spartan No Child Left Behind program, which was based on the sensible practice of weeding out underperforming students, and replaced it with the sinister Each Child Gets Ahead (a parallel with our current president) that gave every misfit an opportunity to excel, whether they became soldiers and full citizens or Helot-supported ne'er-do-wells who were pushed to emigrate and ruin other cities by decadent example. This state of affairs resulted in a draining of the Spartan state's coffers due to spiralling costs of state-sponsored education and health care. The program also resulted in large number of winners at the Olympic Games, which necessitated multiple citadel walls to be built every four years in order to be torn down in the victors' honor.
Contrary to Behr's assertions, it is very clearly documented in the suppressed works of ancient writers that Testicles was not assassinated by Athenians, whose liberal degeneracy deprived them of the wit and skill to perform such a feat. He met his end in an unfortunate accident, drowning in the river Eurotas, which was afterwards renamed Testosterone (Τεστοστερόνη) in his honour, and which still runs through Sparta. Liberal revisionists since antiquity have managed to almost erase the records and have succeeded in propagating the old name while maintaining the fiction of an Athenian involvement in Testicles's death.
Mr Obama is not a Kenyan strongman or an African dictator. He's not that tough. He may have a posse but does not have an army behind him. He is, however, the most dangerous Hawaiian since Queen Liliuokalani attempted to prevent Manifest Destiny from crossing the Pacific Ocean and extending our glorious nation from sea to shining sea to shining sea. If Mister Behr recalls a history less apocryphal than his own, Liliuokalani's actions resulted in Mme Destiny becoming extremely agitated and it was our good luck that, around that time, we had a virile President in Mr Roosevelt who was able to rough ride her and return her to her usual state of benign assertiveness and eventually get her as far as the Philippines. Indeed, one of the perils of this Obama president is his Roosevelt-like virulent virility, which causes his sycophants to promote and praise him as the embodiment of Psalm 72 in a typical display of liberal blasphemy, and the unwary to buy into his myth of "progressive" government.
No, Testicles would not form a militia to oust the Hawaiian Hero. He was a man devoted to his state and system of government, an unrepetant loyalist. Militias are anathema to such men. He would, however, take his 300 and make short shrift of Biden, Clinton, and the bickering body of nobodies in the Capitol. Had the potato been introduced before Testicles's time, he would have replaced them with potatoes. Not being familiar with this vegetable, though, he would probably settle for onions. You may see the sense in having onions in Congress as onions are not crybabies but rather induce crying by virtue of their sulfurous fumes. They also make fewer bad decisions, taste better, and go very well with meats other than pork.
Testicles was a true statesman from whom many a lesson could be learned by those who are presently governing this country into disaster.