The
public transport system by its very nature is a hellish experience, lots of unknown people crammed onto buses and trains like
cattle is hardly likely to be
uplifting. I have had pleasant discussions and met some really nice people on trains when they are willing to talk. But some are so tightly wound they will refuse to even make even minimal
eye contact. However it doesn't need to be this way, you can add a little bit of joy to your life by trying out the following idea.
If you have a friend who you travel with, you can organise little pieces of theatre for your fellow commuters, otherwise known as 'fucking with their heads.' The following act has been played out a number of times by a few friends and myself and is simple to arrange. All you need is one regulation London Transport train carriage in its usual state of deathly silence and two seats opposite each other.
Firstly you must bide your time and allow the commuters to assume that you are part of the herd, you must blend into the upholstery and refuse to communicate with your friend, plenty of time for that later.
Player One: Crosses his leg in a theatrical manner, brushing the sole of his shoe on the knee of player two invariably leaving a dusty mark.
Player Two: 'Do you mind?' brushing at his knee in an irate manner.
At this point the eyes of everyone on the carriage will be on you, so keep cool and play the scene out with a straight face.
P1: 'Of course not, it would be my pleasure' unfolds his leg and re-crosses in the opposite direction repeating the dusty mark.
P2: Stands up and in a loud and irate voice says 'What the hell do you think you’re playing at?'
P1: Stands up and in a lighthearted manner replies 'I'm doing a pretty good job of winding you up.'
At this point you may wish to ad lib an argument or fight for the benefit of your totally shocked and spell bound audience. The end of the scene however is where you can leave a permanent impression on them...
P1: 'Look, I'm sorry, how about we just kiss and make up?'
P2: Initially wary, but decides to end the situation... 'Hmmm, OK'
P1: Must now with a completely straight face embrace player two and land a full kiss directly on his lips.
P2: Initially struggles, but soon joins in.
The best thing you can do at this point is to exit stage right and be at your station, otherwise the audience will begin to suspect something is amiss, leave them wanting more.