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Auspice complained about the lack of art gallery audioguides out west, so it's only fitting that there be one for any occasion. I wrote most of these while staring at a hotel ice dispenser.

"This installation is a human sacrifice. Come back tomorrow with a handful of strawberries and crush them in your fist until the smell fills the room. Do not wash your hand for the rest of the day."

"This installation was designed for easy disassembly. Come back tomorrow with a crowbar so you may take down all the lode-bearing supports, build your cage, and sit in it."

"This installation has been left empty for future roadside grave markers. Please leave all donations for wreaths, stuffed animals, and love letters on the floor."

"This installation demonstrates the bridge between the last death in your family and the next. If you have food in your pocket, share it with the stranger next to you. They may be staring off the edge of their own Bridge to Nowhere."

"This installation pairs well with roses. Come back tomorrow with a rose and roll the petals between your fingers, place some in your shoe. Now, whenever you come across roses, you may point to them and say 'those are my roses'."

"Please step aside. This exhibit will expire in forty minutes and return to its original owners in Ohio."

"This subject has been replicated in two other galleries, the Trienalle Museum of Architecture in Milan and the space behind your left eye. That high tone you hear is all three trying to geolocate one another."

"This subject requires two viewers at all times. Wait until the light changes. Look over your shoulder. See the camera? Wave."

"The previous exhibition in this space featured over a hundred human volunteers to lie down naked and form complex geometric shapes. The person passing you was one of those volunteers. Say hi."

"This subject emits eight frequencies. Most of you will only hear the first five, while aural specialists such as organists and symphony conductors can successfully segregate the sixth and seventh. The eighth tone was attributed to Martha Greene of Birmingham, who claims it is an echo of the final ninth tone."

"This subject is part of a prison series started in the Sparta Federal Penitentiary. If you bend down you can trace the artist's portrait in the floor.  He will not be let free until 2045. Run your finger along the edge and count backwards from 25. 24. 23. 22..."

"The secondary subject is transparent because it exists in a timeline one tenth of a second after ours."

"This installation is built on the original site of the 1954 Pecan riots, during which Abbey Westford suffered a traumatic head injury in the nearby grove and went into a 3 day fugue state, killing nine other men. Westford went on to create dozens of artworks exploring  humanity's destructive nature during her incarceration."

"This installation demonstrates how a fixed point in space can antagonize the viewer, forcing us to create a second larger installation out of all the negative space surrounding it, namely the world."

"Developed in large part thanks to the New Haven Daughters of the American Revolution, this piece explores the social ritual of Connecticut Blood-letting."

Auspice: "The atmospheric perspective provides a wide view of the rococo symbolism inherent in this piece. The cubist details provide additional clues towards the artist's message."