At 13, I was in a boarding school in Sussex, England, where I took 12 subjects, one of which was religion. From my desk in the coveted back row, I watched my very first religion teacher with great interest. She started off the school year reading from the Bible, but a few weeks into it, confided in us that she was receiving nightly telephone calls from God and that He was telling her what to teach us.

For some reason, God really wanted all of us to know in graphic detail what it was like to be nailed to a cross. So much so, that we got it directly from His lips, to her ears, to our ears, for a solid six months. We all thought this was a massively entertaining break from the other 11 subjects and evening prep. (homework) so we went along with it.

We listened to God’s detailed descriptions of nails ripping through flesh and the like. That is, until she stood up on her desk, spread her arms out, and for an hour acted out the entire crucifixion scene. Unfortunately, the head mistress walked in during her performance and she disappeared shortly after that.