Brought to you by Merit Whore for the Ages™
Alright my little beauties, its time to get out your glad rags and compete for that most coveted crown: that of Everything's Nodiest Noder!! I know you're all a bunch of closet (and not-so-closet) Prima Donnas, so now you've got a not-to-be-missed chance to put your fingers to the keyboard and pit your m4d 1337 sk1llz against those of your rival noders.
A crown ain't worth having if it don't bring no pomp 'n ceremony, so we're doing this Pageant stylee, with all that you love to hate about them meat-market affairs. We got judges, we got categories, all we need now is contestants!
Don't forget to read the small print before signing up: this is going to be a gruelling endeavour and you'll need your wits about you, dedication, hard work, talent, bribes for all the judges, and of course some rotten bad luck to befall the remaining contestants. Good luck. May the Nodiest Noder win!
How it all works
There will be three rounds in the Everything Noder Pageant™: Regional Finals, the Pageant Proper and then the snip down to the final five contestants for that all-important Judges' Interview.
Contestants will have to post their writeups by the deadline below, after which the panel of five judges will assess each noder's work. As soon as a writeup is noded, the audience may Ching, vote and comment as usual, and the contestants may make improvements to their nodes. We will all have to trust to the imparitality of the judges, who have been hand-picked.
Each judge will be assigned a letter from A to E. The judges' scores for each round will be posted under this letter. The judges will only be revealed at the end of the contest.
After the Ballgown Contest, scores will be tallied and the top five scoring contestants will advance to the final round: the Judges' Interview. Before the judges interview the contestants, the score sheets will be wiped. The ultimate winner comes down to a majority vote by the judges, who may base their decision on whatever criteria they choose. In the event of a tie, further contestants will be eliminated and the judges will have to recast their votes.
Categories!
Noders fight for the right to represent a country. The competition in the regional finals will require you to node a country of your choice. It may or may not be your country of origin, but each noder must represent a different country. If there is already a good, complete node about your chosen country, you will have to pick again or else convince the panel (before the contest begins) that you can do a better job. I defy you to try South Africa.
How they scored:
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| Contestant | Node | A | B | C | D | E | aggr | audience |
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| Spain | Spain | 7.5 | 7.3 | 4.2 | 7.0 | 9.5 | 35.5 | +37/-0 4C! |
| D.R.Congo | Dem. Rep. of Congo | 8.0 | 8.5 | 8.0 | 7.5 | 9.7 | 41.7 | +28/-1 4C! |
| Suriname | Suriname | 5.0 | 6.8 | 7.5 | 4.5 | 7.9 | 31.7 | +27/-0 2C! |
| Micronesia | Fed.St. Micronesia | 8.0 | 9.2 | 9.3 | 9.0 | 9.2 | 44.7 | +39/-0 3C! |
| Serbia | Serbia | 6.5 | 7.5 | 7.9 | 7.0 | 8.5 | 37.4 | +25/-1 4C! |
| Ethiopia | Ethiopia | 7.0 | 7.2 | 6.7 | 6.0 | 8.3 | 35.2 | +24/-0 3C! |
| Portugal | Portugal | 7.9 | 7.5 | 8.4 | 8.7 | 7.2 | 39.7 | +30/-1 4C! |
| Norway | Norway | 8.5 | 7.0 | 7.2 | 8.1 | 7.9 | 38.7 | +35/-0 3C! |
| Canada | Canada | 9.7 | 9.0 | 9.2 | 9.0 | 8.9 | 45.8 | +65/-1 8C! |
| Turkmenistan | Turkmenistan | 6.2 | 6.5 | 8.1 | 9.2 | 7.1 | 37.1 | +27/-0 3C! |
| Australia | Australia | 8.7 | 8.7 | 9.1 | 9.5 | 8.5 | 44.5 | +32/-1 3C! |
| Thailand | Thailand | 3.8 | 4.5 | 8.8 | 7.0 | 7.0 | 31.1 | +39/-0 2C! |
| Iraq | Iraq | 4.2 | 4.9 | 4.5 | 5.7 | 5.0 | 24.3 | +72/-4 8C! |
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Let the Pageant Begin!
Now that you represent a country, you will make your grand entrance in traditional garb. What this means Everything Noder Pageant™ stylee is that you must node one of your country's traditions. An existing example is A Guide to Mississippi Porch Etiquette.
How they scored:
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| Contestant | Node | A | B | C | D | E | aggr | audience |
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| Spain | Camino de Santiago | 8.7 | 8.0 | 9.6 | 8.2 | 8.7 | 43.2 | +21/-1 1C! |
| D.R.Congo | The Molimo | 7.5 | 7.5 | 7.6 | 7.3 | 8.5 | 38.4 | +21/-0 1C! |
| Suriname | Javanese Traditions | 7.7 | 7.5 | 8.0 | 7.7 | 8.1 | 39.0 | +25/-0 1C! |
| Micronesia | Yap Day | 7.7 | 7.5 | 7.8 | 7.7 | 7.8 | 38.5 | +19/-1 1C! |
| Serbia | Turbofolk | 9.0 | 9.0 | 8.3 | 8.8 | 9.7 | 44.8 | +19/-0 2C! |
| Ethiopia | Greeting Etiquette | 8.7 | 8.0 | 8.7 | 8.4 | 8.9 | 42.7 | +35/-0 2C! |
| Portugal | Fado | 9.1 | 8.5 | 8.9 | 8.7 | 8.9 | 44.1 | +23/-1 3C! |
| Norway | Reindeer Husbandry | 7.9 | 6.5 | 9.4 | 7.4 | 8.7 | 39.9 | +26/-0 2C! |
| Canada | Inuit Carving | 6.9 | 5.5 | 8.2 | 7.0 | 9.1 | 36.7 | +16/-1 0C! |
| Turkmenistan | *withdrawn* | - | - | - | - | - | - | |
| Australia | Bach & Spin Ball | 9.3 | 7.8 | 6.0 | 9.5 | 9.5 | 42.1 | +27/-2 3C! |
| Thailand | Beauties in Thailand | 9.1 | 8.9 | 7.9 | 8.0 | 9.6 | 43.5 | +40/-1 2C! |
| Iraq | Invading Kuwait | 5.2 | 5.7 | 2.1 | 5.2 | 6.9 | 25.1 | +60/-1 6C! |
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Contestants must display one of their artistic talents. Poetry, creative writing, some node that's only purpose is to amuse. Essentially anything goes, but factuals will not be accepted here.
How they scored:
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| Contestant | Node | A | B | C | D | E | aggr | audience |
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| Spain | Neverland | 3.0 | 3.1 | 1.1 | 3.0 | 4.2 | 14.4 | + 4/-4 0C! |
| D.R.Congo | God is a high school science teacher | 9.0 | 8.9 | 9.4 | 8.5 | 8.0 | 43.8 | +16/-4 0C! |
| Suriname | We are the servants of our muse | 8.5 | 8.1 | 8.0 | 8.0 | 9.5 | 42.1 | +28/-3 1C! |
| Micronesia | Boba Fett wasn't that tough | 8.3 | 7.8 | 8.2 | 7.2 | 7.0 | 38.5 | +72/-6 5C! |
| Serbia | Fifteen minute diva | 7.0 | 7.0 | 5.8 | 5.5 | 6.5 | 31.8 | +20/-4 1C! |
| Ethiopia | don't talk about those things | 8.5 | 9.3 | 9.1 | 9.0 | 9.2 | 45.1 | +35/-4 5C! |
| Portugal | Sun comes up, it's Tuesday morning | 9.3 | 7.0 | 8.3 | 8.7 | 9.3 | 42.6 | +43/-6 5C! |
| Norway | Beyond Fortitude | 8.7 | 6.7 | 8.8 | 8.5 | 9.7 | 42.4 | +16/-3 1C! |
| Canada | Ordinary Day | 6.0 | 5.0 | 7.4 | 5.2 | 7.8 | 31.4 | +13/-7 1C! |
| Turkmenist | *withdrawn * | | | | | | | |
| Australia | Amy Hit the Atmosphere | 8.1 | 8.0 | 7.9 | 8.4 | 9.1 | 41.5 | +16/-3 0C! |
| Thailand | Riviera Beach Club | 9.5 | 9.6 | 9.5 | 9.9 | 9.5 | 48.0 | +26/-1 3C! |
| Iraq | They have taken enough | 5.1 | 5.8 | 3.2 | 6.0 | 5.1 | 25.2 | +30/-5 1C! |
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Hurrah! The most loved and most hated part of any Pageant. Every square-inch of your noding body will be revealed! Every cellulite dimple, every rippling muscle. The Everything Noder Pageant™ Swimsuit Contest will require you expose your noding skills to the max. A 1500-word-minimum in-depth study of a subject of your choice. (Think university essay!) Topics to be approved by the judges before writing begins.
How they scored:
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| Contestant | Node | A | B | C | D | E | aggr | audience |
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| Spain | Missing in Action | | | | | | | |
| D.R.Congo | The Secret Lives of Girls | 7.5 | 8.9 | 6.9 | 7.8 | 10 | 41.1 | +68/-4 6C! |
| Suriname | Some virtues dig their own graves | 8.0 | 8.5 | 8.6 | 9.7 | 10 | 44.8 | +37/-4 6C! |
| Micronesia | deferred | | | | | | | |
| Serbia | Collapse of Austria-Hungary in WWI | 6.8 | 9.0 | 5.2 | 9.8 | 10 | 40.8 | +45/-0 4C! |
| Ethiopia | The poetry of Ezra Pound | 4.5 | 9.5 | 9.0 | 9.8 | 10 | 42.8 | +16/-0 2C! |
| Portugal | deferred | | | | | | | |
| Norway | Caesar as a military historian | 9.5 | 8.9 | 9.2 | 8.6 | 10 | 46.2 | +14/-2 2C! |
| Canada | Exergy | 7.6 | 7.5 | 8.1 | 8.2 | 10 | 41.4 | +19/-0 1C! |
| Turkmenist | *withdrawn * | | | | | | | |
| Australia | Copy Control Technology & Music CDs | 8.0 | 8.5 | 8.6 | 8.5 | 10 | 43.6 | +49/-2 3C! |
| Thailand | 17th Century Thai traditional dress | 9.0 | 9.5 | 9.0 | 9.2 | 10 | 46.7 | +46/-3 3C! |
| Iraq | Israel/Palestine: Hopes for Peace | 5.0 | 5.8 | 5.4 | 5.0 | 6.0 | 27.2 | +71/-9 9C! |
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Contestants reveal their own personal taste, by noding a person they feel is glamorous. Mother Theresa, Liberace or Princess Grace, the choice is yours. Contestants will be judged not only on the quality of the node, but also with a subjective approval or chide for their personal taste. Again, if the person is already noded thoroughly, you will have to choose another.
How they scored:
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| Contestant | Writeup | A | B | C | D | E | aggr | audience |
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| Spain | Dazzler | 8.5 | 8.8 | 8.5 | 8.7 | 9.0 | 43.5 | +14/-0 1C! |
| D.R.Congo | Dick Trickle | 7.0 | 7.0 | 5.3 | 7.2 | 7.5 | 34.0 | +27/-2 1C! |
| Suriname | Dian Fossey | 7.0 | 6.0 | 4.2 | 7.5 | 5.9 | 30.6 | +25/-0 4C! |
| Micronesia | *withdrawn* | | | | | | | |
| Serbia | Queen Marie of Romania | 9.5 | 9.7 | 6.2 | 9.5 | 9.6 | 44.7 | +32/-0 4C! |
| Ethiopia | Sal Mineo | 9.5 | 9.8 | 9.6 | 9.1 | 9.2 | 47.2 | +26/-1 3C! |
| Portugal | *withdrawn* | | | | | | | |
| Norway | *withdrawn* | | | | | | | |
| Canada | Pierre Elliott Trudeau | 9.7 | 8.0 | 9.1 | 9.3 | 8.5 | 44.6 | +25/-0 3C! |
| Turkmenist | *withdrawn* | | | | | | | |
| Australia | Barry Humphries | 9.5 | 8.8 | 8.4 | 9.1 | 8.7 | 44.5 | +26/-0 3C! |
| Thailand | Emily Carr | 9.0 | 8.5 | 8.1 | 8.4 | 8.4 | 42.4 | +24/-1 1C! |
| Iraq | Winnie Mandela | 3.2 | 5.5 | 4.9 | 5.0 | 4.8 | 23.4 | +44/-2 3C! |
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snip, snip
The standings, after all four rounds:
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| Contestant | R1 | R2 | R3 | R4 | Total | Rank |
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| Spain | 43.2 | 14.4 | 0.0 | 43.5 | 101.1 | 9 |
| D.R.Congo | 38.4 | 43.8 | 41.1 | 34.0 | 157.3 | 5 |
| Suriname | 39.0 | 42.1 | 44.8 | 30.6 | 156.5 | 6 |
| Micronesia | 38.5 | 38.5 | 0.0 | 0.0 | 77.0 | 12 |
| Serbia | 44.8 | 31.8 | 40.8 | 44.7 | 162.1 | 4 |
| Ethiopia | 42.7 | 45.1 | 42.8 | 47.2 | 177.8 | 2 |
| Portugal | 44.1 | 42.6 | 0.0 | 0.0 | 86.7 | 11 |
| Norway | 39.9 | 42.4 | 46.2 | 0.0 | 128.5 | 8 |
| Canada | 36.7 | 31.4 | 41.4 | 44.6 | 154.1 | 7 |
| Turkmenist | *withdrawn * | 13 |
| Australia | 42.1 | 41.5 | 43.6 | 44.5 | 171.7 | 3 |
| Thailand | 43.5 | 48.0 | 46.7 | 42.4 | 180.6 | 1 |
| Iraq | 25.1 | 25.2 | 27.2 | 23.4 | 100.9 | 10 |
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Judges' Interview ~ 24 June 2003
The top-five elite noders will advance to the final round. The judges' interview is the most nerve-wracking part of the Pageant. All too often, the pretty blonde with nice legs tells how much she wants to save the world by shagging her way around it, when the judge asked her for her views on the Big Bang. In this round, the judges will each submit one question, which each contestant will have to answer. The answers will be listed here, whereafter each judge will rank the five contestants and the ultimate winner, first and second runner up will be decided.
At the end of the final round, the judges will vote for the winner, and we will crown our Nodiest Noder!
The Judges' questions are in!
Q1: Why should we crown *you* as the Nodiest Noder?
Th: Why not?
Sb: The head of the technical committee told me I didn't even have to be asked that question.
Au: I have known *you* for many, many years, and am happy to speak on their behalf - even though personally, I believe the result is a foregone certainty. *you* simply must be given the honour of being crowned Nodiest Noder - despite the fact that *you* will not show up on a user search of Everythign2. I believe this simple fact is a testiment to *you*'s suitability for this award - despite not noding here, which some would see as a cripling disadvantage - *you* remains the stand out choice for the number one position. Should *you* be crowned Nodiest Noder, I am sure their output would double, possibly triple, and that has to be a good thing for the future of E2. To my eyes, *you* is the only choice.
DC: I believe that Nodiest Noder has an opportunity to change the world. Through charities, State Fairs, parades, and other fanfare, I can enrich the lives of those around me. I just know I could be Nodeist Noder, and I pledge that... if you pick me? WHEN you pick me! I'll do my best to represent e2 on slashdot, theonion, and even thehamsterdance.com.
Ea: -
Q2: Debate the relevance of the apparent Riemannian three-manifiold to the tensor-based model of the inflationary universe in terms of chronons and gravitational theory.
Th: Yes.
Sb: Now if you'd said 'three manifold', we'd have been talking.
Au: -
DC: "In the quiet words of the Virgin Mary, 'Come again?'"
Ea: -
Q3: How many oranges in a sack of potatoes?
Th: Enough.
Sb: The whole sack is implicated in the tragic death of our Prime Minister, and such is subject to a state of emergency.
Au: None actually, they're all apples. Let me explain - it's a rather simple concept really (this was a trick question, wasn't it? I'm onto you Judges...) We were all kids at some stage, so I'm assuming we've all been to school. And if you've been to school, you've surely studied some science - which brings us to the ultimate science experiment. What happens, is that the teacher blindfolds you, then blocks your nose in some manner. Earlier on has been prepared a plate of chopped apples, as well as some chopped potato. The unfortunate student is made to eat both, in an attempt to pick the difference. Of course, with their nose blocked, and no sense of smell to help them, they are unable to tell what is what - leading to giggles from their school mates because of course, they're quite enjoying a raw potato. I don't really know if this experiment has all that much scientific merit, or whether deep down all science teachers are sadists. however, the point is made - nobody's going to mistake a potato for an orange, the texture's just not right. They're all apples... if you put your mind (and lack of a nose) to it.
DC: World peace!
Ea: The question lacks a verb of being to make it a sentence, and sans spoken context it is impossible to answer.
Q4: Which contestant would *you* pick as the winner, and why?
Th: Because.
Sb: Miss Thailand, for her tireless work with the disadvantaged children of Ayuthaya. (Psst, how did my Gracious Smile of Accepting Defeat look just now?)
Au: *you* would undoubtably pick themselves. While I support *you* in every way, they're a bit self centred at times... God, if I have to suffer through the deligted voice of someone proclaiming to all and sundry "oh my God, look what *you* did!" when their kid manages to spread food from one end of their body to the other, i will scream... Shortly after, I may have to be patient as they scream at *me* - "what did *you* do!" Damn I hate false accusations...
DC: Modesty is just as important as a pretty smile and an ass that won't quit, and that's why I won't tell you that I'd pick myself to win, despite all the terrific opportunities that might involve. I would have picked Miss Suriname-she's gorgeous, intelligent, and really assertive. E2 would be proud to have her as queen.
Ea: I really took a liking to Bachelor and Spinsters Ball and Amy Hit the Atmosphere is an imagination-fueling title, so Miss Australia. Going by rank, of course, Miss Thailand is the obvious winner.
Q5: WOAH! You're a hottie! Please may I have your phone number?
Th: No.
Sb: Get your mitts away from my sash and let's talk Deutschmarks.
Au: -
DC: 555-864-3427. And you can call me tonight. No, seriously. Call me Tonight. I love that name.
Ea: -
Miss Democratic Republic of the Congo waves to the crowd, flashes a brilliant smile and winks at the judges she's already slept with as she sashays backstage to wait on the results. The others look on jealously thinking o O (Why didn't I think of that?)
drum roll
And now! Ladies and Gentlemen! Merit Whore for the Ages® in association with the Everything Noder Pageant™ 2003 present... the moment we have all been waiting for... the final results.
Oh crap, where'd I put the envelope?
Here in my hand is the envelope. The judges have deliberated, they have accepted bribes, curried favour, got the girls to put out, lived a lavish if somewhat lazy lifestyle, but eventually produced the goods.
Second Runner Up is:
MISS ETHIOPIA!
First Runner Up is:
MISS AUSTRALIA!
Remember, Ladies and Gentlemen, that if anything should happen to our Nodiest Noder during the year of her reign, the First Runner Up will have to stand in for her.
And the Nodiest Noder of 2003 is:
drum roll
a stifled murmer falls over the crowd
MISS THAILAND!
The contestants voted Miss Iraq as Miss Congeniality.
Many thanks to all the contestants, who produced amazing writing to short deadlines over a sustained period of time. Unfortunatly some didn't have the stamina, but they helped set the scene and the writing they did get done is here for you all to see. Well done, ladies, the organiser owes you a huge debt of gratitude that she cannot repay.
Special thanks to the Judges. They had a lot of reading to do, but got it done with minimal fuss, and were a lot fairer than I had hoped they'd be. In no particular order, the Judges of the Everything Noder Pageant™ 2003 were:
If anyone would like to run future Everything Noder Pageant™s, feel free. Ask a god to reset the Judges account password, reset the beauties user group, I'd recommend using either States/Counties/Provinces or Cities instead of countries (as most countries now have good writeups), cutting down on the number of writeups, and GOOD LUCK!
Thank you all, and goodnight.
The small print
- The judges' decisions will be final. Any dispute will be resolved by the Compère. This is not a game.
- The winner will be able to wear their crown whenever they choose and boast as much as they like, being a certified Prima Donna and all.
- Any contestant who misses a deadline will be eliminated.
- Contestants will not be reiminded of deadlines, and if they are unlikely to meet one should notify the management.
- Cut and Paste writeups will die. Bad writeups will die at the discretion of the editors in the usual way. Do not feed the Klaproth.
- Contestants will be given two weeks to complete each stage. A 12-week (three month) Pageant in all, if you don't have the stamina do not enter.
- The contest begins on February 21, 2003. Contestants to be signed up by February 14, 2003 with their country of choice.
- The contest is open to all noders, except the panel of five judges and the Compère, unless they have suitable alias accounts that have gone undetected to date.
- Depending on the number of entries and popular opinion, the Pageant may be divided into Miz Nodah, Mistah Nodah and Sie Nodrr Pageants. Please indicate your preferred gender at the time of singing up.
- This is not a quest. There will be no blessings and no cursings. The Pageant is its own reward.
- Factual writeups should quote all sources used. The Compère has numerous nodes in her user search for example. Feel free to Ching or upvote as you learn.
- Assistance from other noders is acceptable so long as it is credited.
- Contestants and judges will be restricted from Chinging Pageant entry writeups for the duration of the Pageant. Chings should only be bestowed by the audience. If the Compère nodes her way back up to Level 4 during the course of the Pageant, she solemnly swears not to Ching any Pageant entries until after the winner is crowned.
- The Compère will vote on each Pageant entry writeup and will update this node with the audience's opinion as and when she feels like it. Please do not vote dump on Pageant entries just to check out their rep. Read and vote accordingly.
ENTRIES ARE CLOSED.