I’m bored of being alone.
Okay, bored is the wrong word. Perhaps tired, or fed up, would be better. For clarification, by alone I mean not being in a relationship, and being such a long way away from my friends.
Relationship wise, all has been quiet on that front for a long time, with the last ‘proper’ relationship I had with a member of the female species was nearing 3 years ago, and that ended because she was heading off to uni, and a was going to work for PGL, and the distance was a reasonable excuse for end the unavoidable downward spiral our relationship had been heading over the previous 12 months. I think, with the wonderful view that hindsight allows, we both entered the relationship for the wrong reasons. I had recently moved to the school for my A-Levels, and was a bit of a social outcast, as all of my year group had already formed tight bonds over the previous five years, and nobody fancied letting me join their ‘gang‘. I will also admit I didn’t make that much of an effort; I was more than happy with solitude (again, happy is almost the wrong phrase, perhaps used would be better). She was getting a lot of slack for not being with anyone. We needed different things from each other, but it worked. Eventually, we discovered sex, and what passed for a reasonable relationship soon progressed to a ‘friends-with-benefits’ level.
I miss not having anyone there, I have got so used to being alone that I had sort of convinced myself that I didn’t need anyone, and by submerging myself in work helped fill the gap. I don’t miss sex that much, I mean, I enjoyed it (a lot), but after seeing what it did to an otherwise happy union I have almost shied away from it. I’m not big on one night stands, sex to me is an emotional link between two people, which, to me, seems impossible in just a clandestine meeting. Or maybe I’m turning prudish in my old age. Perhaps.
Friends. I miss them the most. I’ve never been the centre of the largest group of people, but I have possible the best group of close knit friends anyone could ask for. The only shame is I don’t get to see the as often as I would like to. When once we would meet up about 3 times a week, I’m now only able to see them approximately once a month. We still have contact, usually by texting, as I’ve been great with phone calls, but that involves my hiking up the nearest mountain in order to get phone signal.
I don’t need people around me to feel whole, but its nice.
Okay, something slightly cheerier. The last couple of days have been great for me. Work has finally picked up, which means I’m busier than ever. Whoever came up with the idea that the shattered economy means that people aren’t travelling abroad this year was right, in the last couple of days the hostel has gone from being near dead from the end of June till September to nearly full. People still aren’t spending an awful lot on buying food, especially evening meals, but breakfasts are still going strong. There is still
hope yet.
I’m also writing a lot more. Most if it will probably never reach here, as even though I’ve been here for the last 4 and a bit years, I’m still terribly self-concuss about my writing. I’m currently planning a large fictional write-up, but we’ll see how it goes. Maybe this
freak heat wave that’s hit the UK is making the creative parts of my brain wake up from its
nicotine induced haze and actually do some work. But we’ll see.
And finally, I’ve finally got my act together and finished recording my submission to the podcast. Many thanks to tentative for the permission to butcher/use her node, and I hope I’ve done it to some of quality. But we’ll see…. (also, It will also help settle the long running confusion about my gender….)
Dan out