Are you also tired of
MCs incessantly
rapping about
bitchez and honeyz? Fear not, for Jewish
academic MC Paul Barman (Yo yo, is there any jewboys in da howse tonight? WESTBAAAANK, BOYEEEZ!) has closed the book on the entire booty-bangin' genre with this track off his 2002 album
Paullelujah!, originally released as a single through
Matador with
Anarchist Bookstore as the B-side. Paul's deft and
erudite wordplay indirectly raises the Bar(man) for white
sucka MCs like Eminem and
Don Red with his involved and elaborate
internal rhyme, and evidence of an appeal to the undermarketed-to well-read and
intellectual hip-hop fan can be found in what must be one of the very first times ever
the Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam has been name-checked in a rhyme otherwise about putting things in and taking them out. (No boasting, mind you - a Greek reading of "porn
utopia" still translates to (prostitute)
nowhere, this ridiculous and impossible-to-take-seriously song a tabulation of acts that never were and will never come to pass.)
Though he fails to match the prurient explicity and funny-smelling detail of a Luther Campbell, Barman caters to the general arts graduate by superficially - but more than adequately - covering a hitherto unimaginable diversity of topics... even if their overarching theme is nothing more lofty than what has been described as a preposterous Christmas wish list of celebrity female genitalia. After this, any other MC thinking they've got a phresh take or doper rhymes about some girl(s) might as well head home. Paul's got it covered.
"Hey, baby... do you know who I am?"
Oh my God, who's that third from the right?
Damn. Zoom in or something!
Whoever thought Paul Barman would change the game?
I started rhyming when the radio was unbearably lame!
Rappers are in danger -
"Depression is closely followed
By delusions of grandeur."1
I think about all the pube I got
While reading the Rubaiyat
And make babies in bunny slippers
With the JBs rockin' the Honey Drippers.
dow... badedow bee deedee!
dow... badedow bee deedee!
"Hey baby... do you know who I am?"
Cock Moooobsteeerrr!!
It's a porn utopia;
a cornucopia
of warm fallopia...
(Yeah! Do it!)
Cock Moooobsteeerrr!!
My dandy voice
makes the most anti-choice
granny's panties moist!
(do it! do it! do it! do it!)
I let my hair air dry
thereby getting more
hair pie;
I want to
fire blanks in
Tyra Banks.
(ooooh!)
I like shorn-
quimmed lasses with horn-rimmed glasses
but
Cindy Crawford ...offered.
(Oh, take me!)
I would
keep a tidy room for
Heidi Klum -
I'm immersed in
Kirstie Alley's
thirsty valley. (
sluuurp!)
I would snore or sleep on
Laura Prepon...
shall I keep on?
(5... 4... 3... 2... Yeah!)
I would feel the
pubis of
Mila Kunis -
I've seen the trim of
Tina M.
I'd crunch
Thandie Newton like a candied crouton
and I'll di-sa-robe
Lisa Loeb.
I want a smelly slice of
Kelly Price,
plus get with the
hairy scar of
Teri Garr.
Lisa Bonet:
I'd like a piece of yo day;
I would
jizz early inside
Liz Hurley.
"Hey baby... do you know who I am?"
Cock Moooobsteeerrr!!
It's a porn utopia;
a cornucopia
of warm fallopia...
(Yeah! Do it!)
Cock Moooobsteeerrr!!
My dandy voice
makes the most anti-choice
granny's panties moist!
do it! do it! do it! do it!
I'm a
braniac with a veiny sack
resting on the brow of
Erika Eleniak (Ooh, dude!)
She almost shrank off when I said, "Take your
top tank off."
I draw a thousand times better than
Robert Mankoff!
I'm very p-proprietary with M-M-
Mariah Carey
but she wants some silly cut up with
Billy Crudup's butt up.
I'm-a the most lonely fella without
Toni Isabellaaaaa...
I'm truly the hero of
Julie Shapiro
but I'm sure to spill
sperm in
Laura Sil-ver-man.
I'm sticking taxing long things in
Maxine Hong Kingston
which brings in
Amy Tan - she said, "
Lay me, mon."
Cynthia Ozick takes off her clothes quick
and likes exposed brick.
I wanna slip
my slim sword in...
Kim Gordon -
Laetitia Casta is easily the boss ya.
Sigourney Weaver has a thrashing horny beaver!
I'm having
intercourse while listening to
Winter Wars.
Winona Ryder? Goin' inside her!
I wanna get onna the whole width of
Anna Nicole Smith;
I want
Tracy Bingham in a lacy thingum...
I made
Tahnee Welch's
punani felch while her mommy belched!!
1 A quote from the writing of psychoanalytic pioneer Karen Horney.
As of the posting of this write-up, so as you can weigh the song's relative merits and nodeworthiness on yr own the song should be downloadable in its 3:52 entirety as a totally legit and legal 4.8 meg mp3 from the website of Paullelujah!'s label, Coup d'Etat, at http://www.coupdetat.tv/media/cockmobster.mp3 or if you prefer for whatever arcane reason as RealAudio at http://www.undergroundhiphop.com/audio/real_audio2.asp?
c=%89%ACib%9F%99%A0%AC%BD%CB%98%9C%BB%A9%
B8%B3%88%BD%AB%B6%C5%9C%AF%A3%98%98%C7%87sz%95%97%93
(but be sure to take out those linebreaks if you want it to work!)