Every day that passes, I wonder more and more how everything will never be the same. I guess, like anything else, I start with what happened at midnight. Hmm.
Ring. The phone rings again. Like many other nights, I lose sleep on the phone. Many might think that I should just hang up, but my life has gotten to the point that I almost depend on this source of female company, even though its just my auditory sense that hears them here. I never knew why something so simple made my heart not jump, not beat faster, but almost seem lifeless, as it stood in time. How sad.
I try to hang up, but I can't. I'm too tired to take my headset off my cell phone, nor am I strong enough to let go of the pathetic pleasure that I get from this endeavor. I didn't know how it was all going down but I knew that this addiction was stronger than drugs, even stronger than my urge to slug the next person who irritated me.
Morning glimmers through the window once again.
MrFurious asks me what I want. I say, I want an ending. Everybody wants that. An ending, opposed to a beginning. I never was much for change, but I knew it was necessary or life would be boring. I always changed, and so did everything around me. But for once, I felt like a kid again. I didn't want to conform to the rules of the world. I want the world to rotate around me. I wanted to sleep. To descend into darkness, and never see the light. While the darkness was cold, it never made me blind.
I close my eyes. I see the back of my eyelids and fall into a deep slumber. Instinctively, I clutched my blanket and placed it around me tightly, like how I would hold someone I loved close to me. I knew that it either would be a cold night, or I needed something to hold onto while I slept.
Ring. My alarm rings. I lunge over and reset my alarm to ring in half an hour. I'm sweating profusely. I reek. Excellent way to start the day. Then I realize that someone is using my computer. I hear typing, breathing, the very squeaking of the black computer chair. I try to curse but by the time I bring the necessary words to my mouth, my sister has left and my alarm is going off already. I roll off. I iron my shirt. Then I realize that I'm ironing on the carpet and I just burned a piece of it onto my work uniform. I'll be walking around as the major source of
static today.
I drive over to work. I see a very attractive young asian woman in the car beside me. She winks. I wink back. She turns right. I go straight. I feel happy. Then I feel stupid. I just want to cry now.
Work is work. Broken glass. A woman had a
seizure. I didn't know what to do. I've had a seizure myself but it's different when someone else is having it. I want to help, but I can't. Then my pretty lady friend came. She clasps her arms around mine. I smell her scent, and I'm lost in oblivion. Limbo. Then I realize that I'm almost drooling. Then I'm off work. I give my co-worker a ride home. But she seemed like she was more interested in work than me. Strike two. How lovely.
Home. If home is where the heart is, I rather be heartless. It doesnt' feel like home. At least not now. Nag nag. Thats all it is. Even the take out food doesn't take good.
MrFurious comes over with our friend
Pils.
Like any other weekend, we hang out at the arcade, then on to
slurpees then bring
Pils home. On the way, my female friend calls me.
She asks to talk to me about something urgent. I never understood the fact that when someone is asking to talk to you and you can't talk to them right then and there, they'll get mad. Like you have to conform to their will. Nonchalantly, I brush her off. Maybe it was the wrong thing to do. Until she called the second time. Lovely. Home I go. Then I'm here.
Again, I'm here seeking answers for questions asked by trillions before me. I seek an ending, an ending to my pain and my loneliness. I wonder whether a new beginning is really what I seek. As
MrFurious said, a beginning is another beginning's end. While true, I rather see it as an ending being an opportunity for a new beginning. Maybe I'm right. Maybe he's right. Maybe we're both right. But I wonder whether I can handle any more beginnings. If I seek an ending, I don't want it replaced with another one. My brain hurts already. And I did that this time without sticking a cue tip in it.