Disclaimer: I am not a scientist. I do not sell pharmaceuticals. There are a lot of things wrong with me. Therefore, my use of medical type terminology is spotty at best.
According to a gentleman with whom I was acquainted some time ago, hiccuping is an involuntary reaction over which we normally have no control. The concept he introduced me to after making this statement came as a complete surprise. We were driving back to New England from the Meadowlands in a car with three other gentlemen when I began hiccuping.
Pete was driving the car we were herded into, and as we travelled up the highway known as I-95, he turned and screamed at me.
"Come on you stupid fucker, give me another hiccup! You stupid ass fairy son of a bitch, give me a good one or I swear I will turn the wheel and drive right off the side of the road and kill us all!"
After my hiccups came to an abrupt halt, Pete went on to discuss the rest of his theory, which he admitted was not entirely his own. He had extracted it from a number of published hiccup cures. By trying to make an involuntary hiccup attack into a voluntary action, the mind and body become so confused that the hiccups stop. Beyond that, he claimed that his "years of research" had taught him that fear and intimidation are important components of the hiccup cure. By sitting in a room by yourself mumbling "please, won't you hiccup for me?" the mind just says "yeah right, like I don't know what you're trying to do." Therefore, pressuring the hiccup victim to produce a hiccup or face severe consequences became part of his procedure.
I have executed the procedure myself, but Pete's performances were always show stoppers. At one party he took a pistol from his bedroom and ran into the living room and held it against the head of a girl who had been hiccuping for ten minutes without pause. He demanded that she hiccup again, just for him, or he would shoot her. She was cured. This example is beyond the realm of human decency, but decorum was not one of Pete's interests. For him, the ends always justified the means. Never, ever, try this particular example yourself. EVER.
Other proven methods of this treatment include the use of verbal abuse and threats. If you know the fears and weaknesses of the victim, use these against them. Use the most profane language imaginable and call them every foul name you can think of.
"Everyone will know what a {insert terminology here} you are if you can't produce another hiccup for me RIGHT NOW!"
So, for those who have long held the belief that fear, intimidation and verbal abuse have no constructive use in polite society... I offer you Pete's Hiccup Cure.
Note: This cure has not yet been approved for use in the public school system, so please protect your children. Thank you.