I dream in variations.
Last night I dreampt that I was back in my old neighborhood--well, in this case up in Gilbertsville. I was in the old house, trying to pack things, but there's so much stuff that I can't pack it all.
I've been having this dream more often.
In part, it's based on truth. When we moved, we didn't take everything with us. Furniture, toys, pictures. A china cabinate that smelled like dust and lemons and old newspaper. My first real bed, an old canopy I remember picking out with my dad at Sears. Two couches and a coffee table that I'd carved my initials and a boat into when I was four.
I hated living there. It was--is--a small town in rural Pennsylvania. I visited a friend there recently, and she noted that half the people are in the Klan, and the other half are their wives, forming anti-racism committees. An exaggeration, but not much of one. It's a strange place to live.
Two days ago, I dreampt I was back in the first house, the one in Philadelphia I lived in until I was 10. Every so often, I dream that I go back to the house and look around inside. Sometimes I even steal into the house while the current owners are there, and try to hide from them. Sometimes I dream my dad's still alive.
I hate those dreams--in them, my stepfather is alone, still a widower. And then I feel guilty for wanting my father alive.
Three days ago I dreampt that we were moving to some place in Chestnut Hill, a rich area of Philly not far from where I live now. The we was me, my mother and sister. No stepfather. No stepfather. I don't know why. And we're moving to a small apartment, not to a house.
These days, I live with my boyfriend of nearly two years. We have a nice apartment crammed with books, records, and a bad-tempered cat. My mother is horrified that I live in sin, but there's plenty of things about me she'd be horrified by. So might as well make myself happy.
And I am happy. At least, I'm happy with who I'm with. I love Dennis with everything in me.
But I don't know why I'm dreaming these dreams. Moving over and over again, moving from one old house to another. Not able to pack everything. Not able to take everything with me.
I need a dream interpreter, I guess. Or a shrink.