#include <satire.h>
How To Drive an SUV
(like a Miamian)
The first thing to remember about driving your SUV is that it makes you invincible and thus immune to damage from any accidents as a result of your actions while driving. So relax, everything will be fine!
When you get in your SUV, don't bother with fastening your seatbelt or making sure all your passengers are seated (and not jumping up and down in the back)! Remember, you're all invincible within your vehicle's zone of magical protection!
Your SUV is not just a vehicle, it is your own large personal space on the road. You should feel free to use it like any part of your home. Sit back, talk on the phone, listen to the radio, or even watch television. Remember, it doesn't matter how you drive; you have four tons of steel protecting you!
Sometimes, inconsiderate people will try to CROSS YOUR PATH while driving! This can, fortunately, be interrupted at nearly no risk to yourself. You should always position yourself in the path of someone who inconsiderately attempts to change lanes, turn, speed up, or slow down! This will eventually convince all of the inconsiderate drivers out there on the road of how they are supposed to drive.
Parking can be difficult sometimes. Fortunately, you can obtain great spaces in many parking lots merely by starting at the exit of the building, and following the driver out down the aisles of the parking lot. Be sure to follow as closely as possible, to indicate to other drivers looking for spaces that their space is yours! This may take a while, but you may still spend quality time talking to your friends and family on your cellular phone!
Here's a fun fact: A large percentage of terrorists walk down the sidewalk! Thusly, this activity should be discouraged on sidewalks and intersections whenever possible. The same goes for bicyclists - remember, a bicycle can be used as a deadly weapon! These people should be excluded from crossing streets whenever possible. Move quickly into their path, cut them off when turning; do whatever is needed to block their passage.
Remember, when driving an SUV, you are helping to keep the American dream alive!
This message paid for (with just enough loose change for four games of pinball) by the Coalition to Reintroduce Roadway Sanity.