The
city seems to be permanently encased in a grey haze lately. I don't think that everyone sees it. I know that for me, everything is encased in grey haze. Its
sunny outside but I don't feel it. It hurts my eyes and makes me squint.
Everything hurts lately. I feel so sad but I don't know why. This should be the happiest time of my life right now, but it isn't.
We bought a house. We get to move in next month. I'm excited, but the little details drag me down and ruin the excitement. Who knew this would be so complicated? I sure didn't. But, you can't rent forever and it is a nice house in the Mount Tabor neighborhood. I'm trying to see the bright side, but its making me squint and giving me a headache.
And, I feel guilty for feeling sad. There are a lot of people out there that have things a lot worse than I do, and I should be thankful. But, I'm not thankful really, I'm just depressed and unhappy. The drugs aren't helping lately and I wonder if I should double up my dose so I can function.
Mostly what drags me down is my man, which is a bad thing. He seems to be completely unwilling to plan or talk about planning anything regarding our wedding. I was finally able to get him to commit to a date, mostly by hounding him and crying, which made me feel like a totally stupid girl. But, being an adult, rational and calm wasn't getting him to tell me which date he wanted, which sucks. Since his schedule is less flexible than mine, I'm trying hard to work with him instead of just being my normal Aries self and plowing ahead with everything without consulting him. Lead, follow, or get out of the way I guess. He wants to get married so soon, but doesn't seem to want to plan for it. I want to get as much as this done as possible before we move, and he seems to be resisting it. The wedding will be in 5 months as of Friday. This is so scary.
I want to talk about all this stuff with him, make arrangements together, and make this our wedding instead of my wedding, but he's not helping. I don't want it to be my wedding. I want it to be our wedding. This is so frustrating.