As part of my
mandate as
Pope of E2, the sad duty of seeing nodes
off to their
final resting places falls upon my shoulders. Normally, I let these
solemn events pass without much
ceremony, but today, today I felt compelled to speak.
Klaproth, our beloved and gentle
undertaker has informed me of the untimely death of
Arts of Masturbating, a node born just moments ago. Its life serves as an example to us all. Now, I give you:
A Eulogy for Arts of Masturbating
Friends, we are gathered here today to pay our last respects to
Arts of Masturbating, a friend to many, a helpful node
born of simple parents who briefly touched all our lives. But not
inappropriately. Like so many other first born nodes,
Arts of Masturbating had a short life, a
turbulent life, a life filled with promise that seemed to end too quickly. It is only by remembering it that we can truly be enriched by its short life. Let us pray.
Webster 1913 tells us that a eulogy is a "speech or writing in commendation of the character or services of a person; as, a fitting eulogy to worth." What can be said about our friend
Arts of Masturbating? It tried, as many nodes do, to peel back the
pall of
ignorance that falls over us each day. It
dared to speak about the "wangs" and "vulvas" of our lives, uncomfortable topics that only the
brave and
courageous speak of. It wanted to help us, it steer us from the pitfalls that its author,
TK 23, had endured. What greater gift could we hope for? What nobler love than
self love?
I upvoted
Arts of Masturbating when I met it. It only lived to see 8 votes. +3/-5, the final tally of our collective confusion about it. Who are we to judge? Who are we to
cast the first stone? We are the noders. Indeed, it made such an impact on
ariels that the gift of a
C! was made.
Arts of Masturbating lived in the sunshine of the
Page of Cool, if even for a brief time. It was a short life, but a life of
education, of fame, of sparking the discussion of the literary minds of the great Halls of the
Chatterbox. Can we judge this life wanting? I say to you that we
cannot.
Arts of Masturbating lived all the ups and downs any node can expect, a concentrated lifetime of both
joy and
sadness, of
upvotes and
downvotes, of
chings and
marks of destruction. When you think of
Arts of Masturbating, think of all the nodes that came and when before it, made by your hand and the hand of others. This is the cycle of E2 life.
Cherish it.
What lessons did
Arts of Masturbating want us to carry with us?
"However, I see no reason why we should be ashamed here. We are all men after all."
"If you are masturbating more than 4 times a week, I STRONGLY URGE you to seek help and do whatever the best you can to overcome this lust."
"DO NOT ever fantasize about any real person (or anyone at all I recommend whether it be fictional) during, before or after masturbating."
"unskilled or carelessness shall lead to a very sore "wang" for ages"
"The best way is to think, be creative and follow your own way."
"do it alone and privately."
"Half the world's starving! Think about it."
"Keep it unseen and hidden."
"make sure you are alone and your doors are locked to avoid indecency and embarrassment."
"As I have said before, BE CREATIVE but NOT ABUSIVE"
Words to live by, truly.
Its love of
Gladwrap, lumpy
pillows, headless
balloon dummies, and quotations around
penis euphemisms is what we will all carry with us, always.
Klaproth took
Arts of Masturbating softly into that good night, showing it the way to the Kingdom of
Node Heaven. We should not cry for
Arts of Masturbating. It is in a
better place.