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Just when you thought cybersex was cliché...

I don't mean to echo allseeingeye's A Eulogy for Arts of Masturbating (now moved to March 4, 2005), but the original and now nuked Arts of Masturbating taught us nothing if not the creative extremes people will go to just to get themselves off. If people will push the envelope with everyday items (pillows and balloons?), imagine what they will do in the virtual world. Strike that. You don't have to waste time imagining that future day, because the future is now. Introducing the Televibe!

Have you gotten tired of stalking your virtuapals at Friendster? Does chatsex leave you frustrated at having to type with only one hand? Friend, the cure for what what ails you comes in the form of a sex-toy tailored specifically for your computer. Trust me, your computer will thank you.

What is Televibe?

Televibe is a unique device that can be used on the telephone (model 8000) or on the PC (model 8001) to stimulate and simulate sexual pleasure with a partner. The party with Televibe can make or receive a phone call (or chat call) from anywhere in the world and that person can operate the Televibe toy by using the phone or PC key pad at their end. They require no equipment other than a phone or PC.*

OK, that's the manufacturer's explanation, but here's what they don't say. The product comes with a dildo and a pseudo-vagina, as well as a microphone/headphones kit. You and your partner can strap on the preferred device and then get in touch with each other, literally. For a phone session, you simply key in a number from one to nine to cause your partner's device to give varying levels of pleasure intensity. Online, you use the Televibe software to control your partner's device.

Sure, the idea sounds great for a couple separated by great distances for a long period of time. You could either call up your lover, or better yet, boot up that laptop and double-click your partner into the throes of ecstasy. Of course, take away the virtual aspect of the idea and think about the physical reality for a second. There he is, some lonely guy with what looks like a Zip drive attached to his dick, talking on the phone to Estelle, a 63-year-old phone sex operator that has been smoking since she was fourteen. Doesn't sound too glamorous, does it? On the other hand, far be it from me to pass judgement. Whatever floats your boat, as they say.

Just in case you were wondering...

Televibe is distributed by Calston Industries, Inc., who also offer the following fine products!
  • Mini Tongue: A patented exclusive invention... that's second to none!
  • Tickling Panties: Lady Calston first introduced this ingenious item for playful couples.
  • Pulsatron: The First dedicated controller with Microchip Technology
This handy little tidbit comes from the website's FAQ
Some Windows computers come with Winmodem based modems installed internally. The software that controls some of these modems interferes with access to the computer's serial ports. The following WinModems are incompatible with Televibe:

AOpen FM56-SM

If you have one of the above modems disable the modem.
I just have one question. What if you are connecting via dial-up?

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