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You probably know this joke:
In this day and age, why do women put up with men?
Because a vibrator won't take out the garbage.
Used to be that women secretly owned dildos. A fairly old-fashioned woman I know uses the round handle of her hairbrush. Modern women, especially between men, have vibrators. Your high-powered female business executive, jetting from meeting to meeting, won't leave home without one. And for the utterly sex-crazed nymphomaniac who just isn't satisfied with a 4 D cell jackhammer, there's the Sybian. You don't know what a Sybian is? Follow the link! If you're a woman in need of... well, if you're a woman in need, then you need the Sybian. And if you're a man with a woman who needs more than you can give, if you want a gift that keeps on giving, buy her one for Christmas. It's much cheaper than a divorce!

This roundup of toys raises the question, what about men? Seems that most men without a "live" date take things in hand. And what else, the rubber blow up doll? I haven't taken a survey per se, but my own stance is that most grown men would probably feel silly sinking their tool into... anyway, I would. So what's left? They say a man's blood is either in his head or in his penis; this might explain why horny men rarely come up with imaginative ways to ease their need. As the saying goes, a dick in the hand is worth... ah, never mind.

Thus it is with pride that I present my very own invention, woofer masturbation. In case you're wondering, I came up with this when I was only eleven, and my prick wasn't yet big enough to drain all the blood from my brain. I was a geeky kid. When I wasn't doing homework I liked to putter with things electrical and mechanical. I had recently taken a TV set apart and I hooked its loudspeaker to an AC power supply I had. This was in Europe, where the mains frequency is 50 Hz. This frequency is so low, there's not a lot to hear, but it's fun watching the speaker's membrane turn into a blur. Even more fun to touch it with one's fingers. Ooh, that tickles! Wonder what it would feel like on my pecker?

Friends, let me tell you: To a geeky young lad with nary a chance at touching a real live girl for years to come, a speaker membrane vibrating at 50 Hz is the next best thing to heaven, instant karma and a lifetime supply of maple fudge ice cream. And to anyone else, it ain't bad either. If you're male and want to firsthand what I'm talking about (or if you're female and looking for a little something to give in exchange for a Sybian), then here are some practical HOWTOs that should help you experience the joys of automatic, tireless mechanical masturbation.


Finding that perfect date

It's not all that difficult. You're essentially looking for a speaker, practically any old speaker. Woofers are best, because they pump far at low frequencies. Tweeters are worthless, they are tiny and their membranes, if any, hardly move. Speakers that work all alone in a TV or something are OK - they're usually general purpose models that can reproduce any old frequency reasonably well. Obviously, you want one without a grill or any other enclosure keeping you away from the membrane. Or if there is, rip it off! But be careful not to leave any sharp corners. If you don't have junk like this lying around, go to Radio Shack or some place like that and buy a single woofer, like you would find as part of a build-it-yourself speaker kit. For best results, you'll want it to handle a sustained sinewave output of 25 - 50 Watts. You don't need to be obsessive about this. If it goes up in smoke, just buy a bigger one.


Give me the power!

This may be trickier. You need a step-down transformer with an output of about 6 to 20 Volts, at about 1-3 Amps. If electrical stuff is not your bag of cookies, you can buy a power supply ready-built. Just make sure it has an AC output as specified. DC will not do you a bit of good! If you always carry a soldering iron in your pocket, then you can just pick up a transformer as specified above, wire it up with a plug on the mains side and some long speaker-type cable on the speaker side, make sure everything is properly insulated and grounded, and you're ready to roll. Do-it-yourselfers may want to hook in a switch somewhere for the intense moment after you're "done" and rapidly lose interest in your date. Perfectionists should consider a heavy-duty volume control, or a dimmer control, a variable tap transformer or something else that will allow you to control the, umm "volume".


Pump up the volume!

If you're not comfortable and familiar with electricity, you should probably stay away from building and/or hooking up your own power supply. There's a far, far easier way, now that I think of it. Buy a cheap stereo. Look for 20 - 50 W of output power per channel. You need to reach a little high here because the ratings for stereos usually assume you mean music and use that as an excuse to lie about effective power ratings. And while you're shopping for a cheap stereo, you might as well pick up some cheap speakers. You usually won't be able to pick up a single speaker, but it's OK; the second one will come in handy as a spare if you get too, umm, passionate with the first one. See the beauty of this plan? Stereos have power supplies and volume controls already built in, and speakers come with cables to plug into stereos. Even if your blood is always in your nether regions, this should be a snap. The only remaining question is where to get a good source of 50 (or 60) cycle power hum. No biggie: Just hang a long, un-shielded wire from the phono input, and turn up the input volume from there. You should get plenty of hum from around the house, especially if there's a fluorescent light around.


Don't hurt the ones you love!

  1. Yourself. If you don't know much about electricity, stay away from doing things yourself and stick to the ready-built approach (see "Pump up the volume!", above). If you do enough things wrong, you can end up either roasting your wiener or electrocuting it. Both will ease your "need" very quickly but may leave you with a trauma requiring hospitalization.
  2. Your stereo. If you're a Real Man, you have a Real Stereo. 400 Watts or more of crystal-clear sound fill your one-room apartment. Don't use your "for-music" stereo!. If you smoke out a cheap stereo, you can return it to the store for a refund or buy a beefier one. If you smoke out your pride-and-joy stereo, you will be heartbroken (and broke) for a long time.
  3. Your speakers. Ditto for them. You don't want to be doing this with speakers you'll want to hear music from later on!
  4. Your neighbors (kids, wife, parents... what do I know?) Even if you don't love them, be aware that a speaker's function is to make noise. You do not want anyone calling 911 because it sounds like you are re-creating Frankenstein, or simply keeping them awake at night. Nothing can spoil your mood as effectively as a cop busting down your door while you're enjoying yourself.


The Test Drive

Hook everything up. Hold the speaker with your left hand (if you can) or sit it on a table or desk. Turn on the power. Listen to the buzz. Touch the membrane with your finger. Leave your meat packed for the time being, and just get into the feel on your finger. If it's too intense, turn down the volume or push harder on your finger. If you exert enough pressure on the membrane, it will dampen down quite a bit. A little more pressure and it will tear. Try to strike a happy balance.

I hope it's not too late at this point to tell you that you'll probably need a condom. This wasn't a problem for me when I was eleven and my orgasms were dry, but there came the time when I ended up getting the membrane all sticky and yucky. Note that a any liquid you get on a vibrating membrane will be violently thrown around all over the place. It's kind of like the shit hitting the fan, only different.

Your finger is still attached to your hand, your sausage is well sheathed and you're reasonably confident that you will like this. Or at least try it, after all the trouble you went to. So now you cautiously let your one-eyed snake uncoil toward the speaker. If your soldier is not yet at attention, all the better! Dip your wick into the membrane and watch it shoot up faster than you've ever seen it rise to the occasion. You should be convinced at this point.

A remarkable variety of sensations can be had from just a few different angles. There's a place on the underside, just behind the tip of your dong, where, if you're like me, you are exquisitely sensitive. If you're circumcized like me, you'll find the rim of the head to feel just great against the speaker's membrane. And most men find that the very tip, where you pee out of, is just too darn sensitive. It's like dragging it over rough sandpaper. But it's OK - you hold the speaker, you're in control! :) Just do whatever feels good.


The End!

It's probably too late again, but... try not to hump your speaker too hard. Think of the membrane as a virgin's hymen, except what's behind it in this case is definitely not better than what you're up against. The, umm, "final moment" may require a lot of self control from you. Either that, or just get a bigger speaker. At this point, you probably don't care how much it costs.



Another joke in closing:
Henry Ford died and went to heaven. At the gates, an angel told Ford, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention - the assembly line - changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven."
Ford thinks about it and says, "I want to hang out with God Himself." The be-feathered fellow at the Gates took Ford to the Throne Room and introduced him to God. Ford then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of Woman?" God said, "Ah, yes." "Well," said Ford, "you have some major design flaws in your invention:
  1. there's too much front end protrusion
  2. it chatters at high speeds
  3. maintenance is very costly
  4. it constantly needs repainting and refinishing
  5. it is out of commission 5 or 6 of every 28 days
  6. the rear end wobbles too much, and
  7. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust."
"Hmmm," replied God, "hold on." God went to the Celestial Supercomputer, typed in a few keystrokes, and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper.
"It may be that my invention is flawed," God replied to Henry Ford, "but according to statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours!"

I hope I've convinced you that a good time can be had with a loudspeaker. But I hope this little joke (not mine, but its origin is lost in the depths of the Net) helps to remind you that, even if you don't see too many at close range, there are such entities as women in the world. I love my speaker, but it's gathering dust. You see, I have a girlfriend and I love her even more.

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