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user since
Thu Sep 11 2003 at 14:15:45 (17.9 years ago )
last seen
Sat Jun 2 2007 at 19:29:20 (14.2 years ago )
number of write-ups
9 - View ashes's writeups (feed)
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0 (Initiate) / 77
mission drive within everything
do till I explode
I make an orgasmic italian salsa
when i look back, I don't want to regret a thing
most recent writeup
Only Ten
Send private message to ashes

"I would rather be ashes than dust! I would rather that my spark should burn out in a brilliant blaze than it should be stifled by dry rot. I would rather be a superb meteor, every atom of me in magnificent glow, than a sleepy and permanent planet. The proper function of man is to live, not to exist. I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them. I shall use my time."
-Jack London, American Author

pillow talk

Another restless, eye-strained, sheet tangled, pillow-neck-ached,
digital neon clock watching, shadow forming, noise straining,
sheep counting, muscle cramping, back aching, unattainable itch
scratching, jaw breaking yawn producing, mattress fighting,
knee jerking, blanket overloading, sweat forming, room pacing, leg
stretching, late night/early morning news watching, warm drink
consuming, second time back to bed sleep attempting, night.

Insomnia, in so mania, so mania, so manic, O manic!

Dream, perchance to sleep!!

I tried everything except sleeping pills and one night when I was on my computer at 4am, eye lids heading south but having no intention to leave because, 'I just had to do this one last thing', again, it dawned on me (no pun) that I had a psychological block to sleep.
I'm a marrow sucker, I do and do and do, I see a lifespan on a regularly sharpened pencil. So sleep is an inconvenience. I crave it, I have great affection for my pillow and yet it is a clingy child, an inappropriately expressed obligation. But it is also a debt with rising interest and I have no intention on paying lump sums. I was reminded my life might be shortened by the lack of this vital health-inducing practice. My answer was, 'and your point is...?'

film quotes. name them and we have something to begin our dialogue...

MAN: I haven't got choc-ices. I only got albatross. Albatross!
PERSON: What flavour is it?
MAN: It's a bird, innit? It's a bloody sea bird... it's not any bloody flavour. Albatross!

'No matter what anybody tells you, words & ideas can change the world.'

'There is a difference between knowing the path and walking the path.'

'Make the best of what we offer you, and you will suffer less than you deserve.'

I sit here; sprained toe; frozen peas to ease inflammation; and
I recall.
I recall the phrase, 'there are no accidents'.
It is a very difficult concept to come to grips with. I don't speak of fate/karma/ 'it was meant to be' - that is separate from this.
I'm talking about the infinite power of our subconscious. Why it is difficult to understand isn't because it is complex but rather because of what we are forced to face about our own motives, fears, desires.

The, 'there are no accidents' theory suggests that I stubbed my toe because my SUBCONCIOUS mind allowed me to. This is the difficult part. It HURT!! I didn't want to hurt myself!! True, I didn't. But also true was that I really, REALLY, didn't want to go to work. Not because of work itself, but because I wanted to continue my research that I was deeply involved in. I've been doing this research for weeks.

Looking back, I've stubbed my toe quite frequently in the last few weeks. Only today, I did it right!
So my subconscious dealt with the 'don't want to go' message by causing an injury that may result in not being able to go.

So, did I go to work? Yes. I just limped.
So much for subconscious help!

hypnos, where art thou?
no, no, it wasn't me that called...
but, while you're here,
let Somnus know I won't be able to make our date.

SLEEP - Those little slices of death, how I loathe them.
-Edgar Allen Poe

"he so immersed himself in those romances that he spent whole
days and nights over his books; and thus with little sleeping
and much reading his brains dried up to such a degree that he
lost the use of his reason"
-Cervantes, Don Quixote

Don't let people drive you crazy,
when you know it's within walking distance.

I heard someone sadly complain about a friend of theirs. The person said something along the lines of, "So and so has changed. I'm still the same I was 10 years ago."

I bet many people have heard this sort of phrase or even uttered it themselves.

The assumption is that change is bad.

After paying my fare and sitting in a train, I am assuming that I will be taken somewhere. If the train (and therefore myself) remained in the same place for 2 hours, would I feel satisfied? What if I remained for 5 years. 10 years? My entire life?

Okay, I see the benefits. It is safe. I will be least likely to be involved in an accident inside an immobile vehicle.

But my question is, why did I get on in the first place?

Perhaps we are not meant to stay the same? When we stay the same we make the same mistakes. We choose the same bad relationships. We make the same bad decisions. We have the same arguments. Now, all these things are learning opportunities. It's the word 'same' that may be a problem. When I am having the same argument with someone over and over again, then something is sticking. The train isn't moving. A little oil and we're on our way again.

Life is way too short for repetition of the bad stuff.

I am intrigued by patterns; I refuse to be enmeshed in them.
I am turned on by intelligence; I'm turned off by superiority.
I advocate abstract thought; I have no time for intentional obscurity.
I adore well written work; I request plain speak.
I thrive on creativity and complexity; I am sustained on simplicity.

I aim to learn from the wise, whether they be experts or children.

As an urban nomad I have no affiliations to patriotism. New experiences and rebirth staves off the meaning of tradition for me. An observer of self-indulgent disregard for others submits the word freedom to caution. As a deeply spiritual person, religion is a foreign word. The word capitalism is mere convenience to a non-political socialist.

I fall into the category of the iNFj.

shyHyena says re INFJ: INFJs are all FREAKS. I should know...