I was crawling on my belly like a snake through the rural areas of New York City today, preying on people by knocking on their doors and giving them a knock before screaming at the top of my lungs "Free haircut! Let me in!"
As the gallon or so of bodily juices that leaks out of my body hourly poured from my body, I would go up to the home's windows, stare in at the children as pancreatic fluid splashed mercilessly against the windows and I laughed maniacally, I continued yelling at the top of my lungs "Let me in! Free haircut! I know Drew Brees!" Then I would knock harder and harder wearing just my ratty bathrobe without a tie and absolutely nothing on underneath like real men do and scream "Let me the fuck in! I want to kill you! And give you free haircuts!" And I would laugh more maniacally.
Eventually, I would lose interest as they failed to play along and then I would move on to the new house and start knocking and screaming and offering free haircuts.
What a wonderful time to be alive. God bless.