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Some of you are filled with lies. Lies and problems. Have you ever seen a hornet nest? Have you ever poked it with a stick? Hornets comes out angry. That is what happens with your lies and your problems. You are walking around with all those lies and problems shoved way up your ass because you aren't dealing with them. And some guy who barely finished high school and works in a fast food joint runs out of his home and hits you with a baseball bat. Over and over he hits you. And what happens? Your lies and your problems come out like hornets. And they wrongly sting the man who didn't do anything, ANYTHING wrong other than hit you repeatedly with a baseball bat.

Hi, I'm Dr. Peter Swilling and I can help with that. Stay focused on the text!

When I was in medical school, I was dating a woman named Midge Yearning. You can imagine what she looked like. I also saw a medical film while in medical school studying medicine called Young Frankenstein, which is the story of a man who straps himself to a table to exchange brain wave energies with someone he dug up in a graveyard (or had others do it for him - sound plan). Now, I am usually iffy on trying to bring lifeless things back to life, but I am at wit's end with Friend Behr (your friend I am "caring for").

To make a long story short, I wanted to express to you that I have strapped myself to a table next to Friend Behr and ran electricity through our bodies in an extremely haphazard way. There was really no rhyme or reason to what I did. Like, at all, dudes.

And as such, the experiment failed. There was no rhyme or reason to it. Like, at all, dudes. It was some half-assed non-scientific bullshit is what it was. Back to the drawing board.

Then all the LIES and the PROBLEMS comes back and you can remember those old ladies who played canasta every afternoon. They would beat kids with a metal rod. They would take them over their knees and while the parents looked on helplessly, they would snatch a child off the street and make a shrieking sound and then grab that metal rod and HOLY HELL IT WAS COMING DOWN and that child would be black and blue with broken bones and a messed up face. And they just resumed playing canasta. Heady stuff. Really is.

There was this one time this kid had a bra on over his t-shirt. His name was Paul. That metal rod CAME DOWN and it didn't stop all night. Paul died that night. Those old ladies solved things. They really did. Just solved them. One way or another. Horrifying.

Very upsetting remembering that. Very upsetting. I miss Paul. He wore Keds.

You don't see too many ladies like those any longer. Those were different times. Different times indeed. Never would have been tolerated today. Not the beatings. Not the death toll. Never would be. Not today.

And that is good news for most of us. They still lurk in the darkness. They are out there. Waiting with their metal rods. Just waiting. For your children. Look out for them. They are older ladies. They play a lot of canasta. Eyes open. Faces forward. Okay? Good.

How are you today? My mailbox has been chock full of your messages telling me all about your most private, intimate problems. I'm loving hearing about your problems. Share them with me. Be EXTREMELY OPEN in doing so. Do it now. Don't hold back. Share. Openly. With ME. Mailbox is ON.

Medically yours,

Dr. Peter Swilling