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When you get into a lot of slap fights with kids outside of McDonald's the way that I do, you get an opportunity to learn about some of the many off the menu items available at McDonald's. The most frightening of these is called the McRib with cheese.

***THIS WRITEUP IS FOR AGES 18 AND UP ONLY DUE TO SCARY***

It all began on the day I slapped this seven year old so hard that he hit the pavement because of the severity of my slap. I smelled something coming from inside the restaurant. It smelled something like a rotting corpse and a huge avalanche of vomit mixed together in a major action movie sequence, like you may have seen in the major motion picture True Lies with Jamie Lee Curtis and that Arnold guy. I rented that a few years back when I was just beginning my career in prescription medication acquisition and resale. There were no scenes in it involving huge avalanches of vomit. Unless it was in the special features or what the Internet kiddies call a "post credits scene." I did not see those. Needed a bathroom break and Chopper refuses to pause movies once they are in progress. He is very old school.

Frights NOW begin. Assemble your write-up reading snacks in front of you. If you are using a computer to access everything2.com brand website to read my Nobel prize winning column, put them around the monitor for easy access. Between paragraphs, take a small amount of snack and consume it. Then, read the next paragraph. Long for more snack. Work for it by reading from one paragraph to another. You may only sip your liquids during snack breaks. If you are using a laptop, and it is on your lap, then what the fuck is wrong with you? Put it on the desk. You don't HAVE to put a laptop on your lap, you piece of shit moron. Now, if you are using smart phone technology, like that developed by Apple, you can consume snacks freely with one hand while reading with the other, holding the smart phone with requisite app in your hand and scanning this article with your eyes. You will move your eyes from left to right, adjusting your pants accordingly. Pervert.

When you approach the counter at McDonald's to order off the menu items, always do some head fakes towards the counter while on line, and repeatedly let others go in front of you. Then stare RIGHT at their ass while standing behind them, making them as uncomfortable as possible. Lick your lips and say, "You sure look fine from where I'm standing honey. The good times of the 1970s when doing things like I am now doing was considered perfectly normal are coming back. How do you feel about that? Ass staring is BACK!"

You want to speak quietly to the attendant at the counter when ordering off the menu items. These are just for the "cool kids" and not for normal customers like fat kids and ugly broads. They chomp down on those fries like you wouldn't believe. Sickening. They don't need to know about off the menu items. They can order the regular shit. You are special, my friend. You are here for the good stuff.

"I am here for the McRib with cheese." These are the words you will use to order my favorite off the menu item, the McRib with cheese. There are other passwords to order other items. Now remember: INSIST even if they tell you they "don't have that." Ask to talk to someone who has "been around the block." Use that exact phrasing. Put a fiver down on the counter and whisper, "For you." All these things help move the process along. Remember: They do NOT want to admit they sell off the menu items. But there are A LOT and most people are in the dark about this stuff. Just like they are in the dark about what goes on in the basement of KFC where they strip old ladies naked and squeeze shitloads of tears out of them with a grape press because that is the ingredient for their secret recipe. People don't know shit. The deep state is involved in all this. It needs to stop. Doing that to ladies just to get savory chicken. Dammit, I wish I'd thought of that first. I love doing that to people. Making money off them while they suffer by my hand. Good stuff. Wholesome. Like Gunsmoke and Happy Days which were DRIVEN off our television sets by liberalism when they SHOULD STILL BE ON WITH NEW EPISODES WEEKLY. I cannot be more clear about this.

The McRib with cheese is not the same as a McRib that has cheese put on it. This is something else. It is made from human and animal ribs, slathered with sauce and cheese and the tears of old ladies being laughingly crushed in vintage 19th century wine presses in front of cheering audiences. This is the real America, the one that is coming back. No more complaining. No more protests. WORK ONLY. Forever. What a dream. Gotta make it real. Gotta go for it. Please send donations to my campaign for President to General Delivery, Utica, New York. We will make these fuckers work. MAKE. THEM. WORK. Oh god, I made a little mess in my pants. Too excited. It feels so close. My dreams. Coming true.

Where was I? Have a snack from what you have assembled there in front of you while I find my place (might need to read back and do some editing).

This is the best meat, especially when it is warm. When you order it, one of the McDonald's employees will go outside with an attack dog and approach someone they told to pull over to wait for a Drive Thru item. That is ALWAYS a ruse. You are about to be robbed, killed, and eaten by McDonald's employees when you pull over there where it says you are supposed to wait for some problem to be resolved. Maybe they ran out of fries. Or maybe they need a fresh human to make a McRib with cheese for a special customer who knows how to order it. Those minimum wage morons go outside with a dog and a hammer, smash in the windows of the car, pull the person out and savage them with the dog in the parking lot. No one pays attention because this is fast food and in my America, everyone is on their own. The courts will close and police will, after a very minimal vetting process that is extremely loosely organized with no oversight at all, be allowed to determine life or death for any suspects they notice. Or even someone who looks peculiar. Take them out. It is the right thing to do. Right there. Excellent. That is the kind of America I want to live in. Streamlined legal process.

So, there is no reason to worry if you happen to look out and see a fry cook and a pit bull going to town on some Dilbert who didn't want pickles on his Big Mac. Look, people, don't fucking do that. Take the goddamned item as they prepare it. Don't ask for anything special. Be grateful you are getting ANYTHING to eat and be grateful that you are being allowed out in public. That will come to and end when my coal mines open and I throw you down the shaft and say, "Dig!" You aren't coming out of there. Tell me how your bones feel after forty years standing knee deep in water digging for my precious coal. Tell me about it in Hell.

I was reading some article in some whiney liberal rag about the "human cost" of big business or some bullshit like that they are always going on about in their ignorance. They have no idea of the human cost of the off the menu items at McDonald's. I have never tried to order the deep friend scrotum but I think of it like those appetizers in Friday's except with a real human scrotum under the batter. And you know the next time you go to McDonald's and that scared new pimple-faced kid is sounding more high-pitched than normal? His balls are hanging freely without the scrotum. Hiliarious to do that to another human being, especially someone like that who won't fight back. And then he doesn't miss a shift. That is great. That is the kind of America I want to live in. One where that kind of thing is commonplace. Love it.

Eating the McRib with cheese (Special Section)

How do you eat a BBQ human ribcage slathered with sauces, dripping with fresh juices? Why is it between two cheap buns? You don't need better. This is man meat that is ready for eating. So much goodness, but how to gnaw if off the bones?

You can order it boneless, but then what happens out in the parking lot gets out of control and it begins to attract the attention of local law enforcement, and you can only buy off about eighty percent of cops when you are as wealthy as I am when my assets aren't under seizure by the FBI, IRS, and Obama's Department of Defense (currently operating a shadow government). The "shucking" of the meat off the ribs kind of defeats calling it ribs. You could go over to Applebee's and ask for the "turtle soup" if you just want the rib meat in a bowel with broth. When you dig into a McRib with cheese, your mouth needs to be open all the way. Part of a man's torso is about to crack your jaw open as you bite into it. Feel the steam of the fresh kill. Taste its savory flavor, the taste of human that hasn't been drained or treated in any way. Right from the kill to your mouth. Fantastic eating.

What you do with this information is up to you.

No nutritional information is available. The FDA does NOT inspect this meat. There is no time. Parking lot to your plate in five minutes. That is how it is properly done. That's what is for dinner.

This was a scary story.