On February 14th, 2002 Old Johnny Crow made his last performance at the world renowned Chattanooga Country Music Hall. The Hall, as it was known, was a small venue in Tennessee that had become famous for igniting the careers of scores of Country and Western Singers. The broadcast was filmed live, but is not available for public viewing due to the nature of the last song.
The song began with just Old Johhny Crow, strumming on his guitar, center stage, a spotlight trained on him. During each chorus, the risers stage right would be illuminated. There a chorus of twelve men in overalls stood, pink kerchiefs around their necks.
The italicized parts were spoken.
Jesus Was a One Beer Queer
Jeeeeesus
Was a mighty fine man
And Jesus
Had a mighty fine plan
To save us sinners from the fires of hell
from Liquor and women and the devil as well
In the Lords army, it’s “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”
Jesus was a mighty fine man
Oh oh oh
Jesus was a one beer queer
Oh, Jesus was a one beer queer
He’d have himself a drink
then he’d have himself a twink
Jesus was a one beer queer
Now Jesus, Told a story or two
and Jesus
told us Just what to do
Don’t lie, don’t covet, and never hold a grudge
You answer for it all when you got to see the judge
Didn’t say nothing bout packin’ the fudge!
Jesus, told a story or two
Weeeeelllllllll
Jesus was a one beer queer
Oh, Jesus was a one beer queer
Just one snifter
and he’s just another sister
Jesus was a one beer queer
Jesus, he died on Calgary,
and Jesus
He died for you and me,
He did it all ‘cause he loved us so,
For us he paid the immortal toll,
So what if he liked smokin’ the pole?
Jesus, died on Calgary!
Now we’ve had a lot of fun here tonight, poking fun at religion, and people’s beliefs. But we really don’t mean to offend nobody. With that in mind, here’s the last verse of our song:
Jesus, he really did care,
and Jesus,
he knew how to share.
He was wise and kind and decent and fair
Knew how to move people, and that’s pretty rare,
With his feet on the water, or up in the air,
Jesussssss-
CRACK
1
1. A bolt of lightning shot through the ceiling and hit Old Johnny Crow in the chest, killing him instantly. His clothes, soaked as they were in alcohol, went up in seconds. The new security system, which the Chattanooga Country Music Hall had recently installed, malfunctioned. Everyone was locked inside. There were no survivors.