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The Voyage of the Roofer Boonhurst

From an actual historical journal.


Captain- Geoforus Lavalamp
1st Mate- Eric Porticulisto
2nd Mate- Rymaniena Manbobi
Wheel Master- Clopaedia Marxs
Oars Man- Henerius Fedieleo
Arms Master- Tomacka Timach
Cook- Morool Savarius
Court Jester- Mark Smith


Marves Winter
Javleary Winter
Staphylarch Staphylarch Spring
Pesek Spring
Alvalmer Spring
Lokcmarter Spring
Savat Summer
Elmarter Summer
Sembucre Autuem
Llmas Autuem
Wealtherlokc Autuem
Tembury Winter


Marves 7th, 19431

Today is the launching (and madien voyage) of the Roofer Boonhurst a fine ship. I, Captain Geoforus Lavalamp, am intrusted by the emporor of Taknania to explore the unexplored areas of the five unexplored seas.

My crew consists of Eric Porticulisto, my first mate, Rymaniena Manbobi my second mate, the Wheel Master Clopaedia Marxs, Oars Master Hererius Fedieleo, the Cook Morool Savarius (he makes a tasty stew, you should taste it: It tastes like broiled cabage, which is a delacay in Stefonesnevo an island in the very lower right corner of the uneexplored sea (exactly 50 degrees N and 20 degrees S of the unexplored islands)), and Mark Smith the Court Jester.

Together we will chart the world!

Marvers 8th, 19431

We are out to sea, but as the court jester (Smith) set himself on fire the sextant is broken now broken. Morool did laugh at the jester and thus was punished by working the wheels. As they are near the ground this is hard work. We have also eaten the Oars Master (Fed-ieleo) as we have discovered him unnessisary; the sea being mostly dirt and concrete (thjs makes me think we maybe a bit lost, but as the sextant is broken I am unable to tell.)

Marves 9th, 19431

More trouble insues as the slain Oars Master has returned as a Zombie Ghost Pirate. I maybe drunk, or high, but Captain Morgan says I'm not and I trust the guy.

Morool fell off the wheels and was crushed yesterday, losing a leg which we used to aplease the slain Oars Master, Captain Morgan agrees that this was the right thing to do, I am pleased that the voyage is doing so well.

Marves 10th, 19431

The jester set himself on fire again. I am going to have to talk to him about that.

Marves 11th 19431

In celebration of the slain Oarmaster's birthday we have made Maltov Cocktails and used them to destroy a tree we past in the middle of the sea. No land has yet been sighted and to make matters worse we don't have enough grease to deal with the dust in the wheels.

What's left of the cook whines constantly but our full hospital staff says he will be okay. I am doubtful though as all the prozac has not stopped his bleeding and screaming.

Marves 12th 19431

Still can't tell if we are lost. I ordered the men to harpoon a whale, but we only got a cave man, it is female and seems seemed to like the 2nd Mate. We ate her with broiled cabbage as the cook is in no condition to fix stew.

Marves 13th 19431

Ran over a thorn bust to-day. Thank the gods that the hull is cheaply made plastic coming from Indonissa; thorns don't stick. The cook-- Morool-- is better today having died and then been resurrected. He made stew but it did not taste good because we ate the cabbage yesterday in a stew like dish.

Marves 14th 19431

Me and the 2nd Mate deciede that Bubonic Plauge is a good thing. We are raising cultures of it bellow deck. When we have a sizable culture we will infect ourselves with it to better our lives.

Marves 15th 19431

On a harpooning expidition we speared Jesus. It is female and seems seemed to like the second mate. We boiled it in a stew, removing all the pagen symbols it was carring. When we come to shore I am selling them to traders. Or am I? According to Taknainain law all traders are to be hung. But if ǝʍ ǝɹoɟǝq ʇɐɥʇ snsǝظ ʞsɐ ʇ,upıp ı pɐq ooʇ ˙ǝq uɐɔ sıɥʇ ʍoɥ ǝǝs ʇou op ı ʎɯouoɔǝ oʇ ʎɹɐsıssǝu ǝɹɐ sɹǝpɐɹʇ ate her.

Marves 16tyh 19431

Learned about the great sjusn frin a travekubg sakesnab to-day. Apearntly at one time there were two Popes in the Catholic Church. This caused a problem, but we solved it by harpooning the salesman (who was female and seems seemed to like the second mate) and eating him.

Marves 17th 19431

The sextant is still broken and I have tryed to find our way by looking for Mars in the sky, the sun makes it difficult to see. Prehasp tomorrow the sun will be off.

The cook says Mars comes out only at night, but that is stupid so I microwaved his head with a lightsaber. He died so I had him resurrected.

Marves 18th, 1943)

Stole a radio from a hard ware store cleck, we are powering it using the chi of the Arms Master. This has summoned Bruce Lee and his brother Jet Lie Lei Li. It was feem all and seems seemed to like the second mate. After harpooning them we fed the nation of Uganda for a day.

Marves 19th 19431

Found an atlas of the moon. Since we are not on the moon it has helped us but a little.

Marves 20th, 19431

Ran agroud in a sandtrap to0day. These pocket the sea aNd bEf0r3 w3 namged to stear clear. Now I wish we hadn't slain the Oars Master, I think we could use the oars to us us put. We tryed ourselves, but can not find the oars (in fact I don't believe there are any).

Marves 21st 194321

Still stuck in the sandtrap. We pray for salvation but gGod tells us since we ate his holy son that the power is in use now. Around noon the jester hits the turbo boosters and we go to the moon. Using our atlas wet back to earth.

Watch Rocky II, eat chipps and dip, then go to sleep. Morool said we should not post a watch so I kill him with a ping pong ball.

Marves 22nd 19431

Today I morn the death of the black pen... and the cook, but I can resurrect him so I'm not worried.

Made war on the natives of another boat. Killed them and ate them.

Marves 23rd 19431

Morool the cook tryed to start a mutany sighting the many times I have killed him. I retort I didn't have to resurrect him. W We set him to walk the plank, but he doesn't drown and climbs back into the boat.

Tomorrow I resolve to address the problem; O prehasp we will tie rocks to him to add wait. weight.

Marves 24th 19431

Today we encountered a fellow ship from Taknania. It is called the Anorex and its captian is Mr. Orgy Porg. He is Jewish, but that is of little coniqence as the crew of the Anorex is haft starved and have only swine to eat.

The Anorex has a ceniplex below deck and we all watch Been Her, while eating ham.

Marves 25th 16431

A giant sea horse ate the Anorex today. It was female and so we tryed to harpoon it, but it was too small to hit.

We scoured the wreck and retrieved the ceniplex and some swine. The court jester did do unclean acts with the swine for our amusement and then we butchered them and ate them.

Marves 26th 19431

It rained today, making the ground into mud, and thus making travle in the boat imposible. In boredum I sued a pataco bat factory and won a setlement of 5 thousand dollars.

Marves 27th 19431

Today is the last day of the mouenth of Marves. In celebration Porticulisto begat Joe and we ate Joe.

The cineplex p broke down and so we threw it over board where it crushed and elementary school.


Jav;eary 1st 19431

It was cold to-day. We cautght panranas out of the ocean and p broil3d them in the c0ok's head. Even in de4th he useful.

Around noaon We met an Acient Maraner. He was a Communist Pretzel, so we gave him to McCarthy who microwaved his head in a microwave.

Javleary 2nd 19431

Today is Javin day. Named after the god Javlis. To celibrate we sack a small villiage called Kelley's Liqor, and get way drunk.

After getting drunk I examide exam examind the child basket 0n the b04t and +ry3d to figure out who Smith was.

Javleary 3rd 19431

we are lost, of that I am now conviced. Weep for us who ever finds this journal. We shall end up like the Lusitania , the Titanic , Zsa Zsa Gabor.

Javleary 4th 19431

Caught a man stealing fro a vulture. Ignored him and sailed on.

What I can not figure is that the Roofer Boonhurst seems to be heavily modified.

What kind of ship has no mast and wheels?

Javleary 5th 19431 M

We have encountered a road. This is very confuising, it has stop lights and cars. One car dinged the ship, sending it careing into a whale. We harpooned it, but captian Ahab showed up in the Pequod and told us to leave.

Javleary 6th 19431

I tryed to be nice, but in that I failed. I beat the cook and the crew joined in. When trying to carry him to the infermery I fell to temptation and beat him again. He beg me to stop so I tryed to get him water and be accidentally beat him again. The beatings whent on for some-time, but time is O fast when you're having fun. We beat him and had to resurect hime because we beat him to death.

J4vl34ry 7thm 19431

H1t 4 w411 to-d4y. The Wh33l Mast3r was asl33p 4t h1s p0st and s0 dId n0t s33. The w4l1 1s m4dE out of pataco bats and 1s nam3d Robespierre. I surmize we can us3 it as a l4nd mark to get back home.

Javleary 8th 19431

we have been accosted by a boat of Ninjas. The are men of ShadowS, which follow them around. After killing th Ninjas we celribrate with a bottle of Evan Williams. Mr. Williams attacks the Arms Master who pulls out an AK-47 and in a feat of dexterity combines it with an Uzi.

Evan Williams is no more and the Arms Master reaches level 12 in fire arms. We scelibrate with another bottle of Evan Williams and the cycle began anew.

Javleary 9th 19431

We have lost the battle with Evan and are all hung over. We sing the Boshi song:

We like Jurrasic Park
Desanje eats larks
Larks are birds
Who like to be heard
We're all drunk as Hell

Javleary 1Oth 19431

The Slain Oars Master is back with a codrae of vampires who take the second mate and turn him into fido the dancing Moile named Oerek.

Javleary 11th 19431

A Brave New World attacks Mr. Scorpion, we have organized a fight between the two and Missouri Govenern Jesse Vantura. Jesse didn't show so I massacured (cure in mass) a town in Oman.

Javleary 12th 19431

we capture a girl scout's camp and then retreat in to the open sea and congradulate overselves on how mannly we are.

Javeleary 13th 19431

Run up against the Statue of Liberty today. Now we real are lost, I've never seen a statue like this! -o-\

Javleary 14th, 19431

Kiddnapped Mr. Russia and are demanding a 14 million dollar ransom. the Arms Master destorys Mosscow to pay the rent and we eat cheese.

Javleary 15th, 19431

Find a diagram of a trench. Here it is:

----------------- Trenches in WWI had bends in them to prevent the enemy from moving a machine gun into them and killing the entire army.

pirates u
be over wu

Javleary 16th 19431

Dr. Roboto sued us for infringment on his o's. we battle his lawyers who have pole arms, which gives them the advantage. so we stole their spears and killed ^them to the man. We lost one Cadet named Issac, which was okay because he was gay (as in happy). Happiness is not allowed.

Javeleary 17th

(Editor's note: This page of the journal is torn at the bottom. Judging by the way the page lines up with the entry at Javleary 15thit is highly probable that Captain Lavalamp continued writing without realizing the damage to his own journal.)

None of us have seen females in a week! The scrambled egges do not help, doudbt-less of what the Navy has told us. We now have to find rats; found plenty in Willard. Nonja's love rates, rates,. rats.

We are Pirate Ninja's. That's why Dr. Roboto's lawyers couldn't beat hus. We have swords and shini. Drugs and bad pirate movies do not having anything on us. Learn well. Watch f the Carabian! Let's elmed, Eat Adam.

Javleary 18th 19431

Massive hang over to-day. Crashed into an iceburg in the deasert while the Slain Oars Master was drunk dead. We fixed the hole by tying the starboard side back on, there arye numerous holes in the side of the ship for thi stringing pruposes.

Jav;eary 19th 19431

Commanded from the C^hild basket, which we uses as a crow's nest. The worst obstical was a shrub and in the Basket the thorns don't reach. We declared war on the shrub in which we realized shrub back wards is burhs wchich looks like a word, but doesn't even mean anything when looked tu up.

Javleary 20th, 19431

Bombed the shrub, but its shrubbery buddies attacked us. We all got up $ into the childern's basket, which is uncomfortable. The shrubberiies' leader is called YrEbburjs. we summoned Martha Jane Burk who died emedently so Tomacko Timach, the Arms Master, busted out his modified uzi and turned the shrubberies into mulch (that we ate).

Javleary 25th 19432

Dis Our scientists have discovered presbyopia so now were are all blind.

Javleary 2nd-25th, 19432

We discover we are not blind. O Joy.

Javleary 26th, 19432

The Boon0hurst was attacked by craplice. It was copulating with a scooner and now we are fighting the beasts off the boat.

Javleary 27th, 19432

The crapb-lice have captured the wheels and now we are getting no where. we have ordered shampoo and use it to kill the crab lice.


Staphylarch 1st, 19432

The first day of Staphylarch. After a battle with Iron Maddian the Arms Master increases to level 13. We celebrate by putting the cook in an iron madian.

Staphylarch 2nd

I looked in a medical dictonary and decided it floats. As the water is solid and the book boyant I';ve discovered that we can find other ships to plunder when we get home.

On tho In other news I've found a spear in my breakfast and used it to bulgon the cook to death. I will resurect him to-morrow. on the marrow.

Staphylarch 3rd

Found a dog to-day. I was rabid so we harpooned it. It was female so I kill the second mate while chasteing him for chasing the poon'. He gets mad but I have already eaten the rabid dog who the Arms Master killed to level (14) up.

Staphylarch 3rd

We burned an enemy ship today and celibrated making wine out of entrails. Tho staphylarch showed up and we killed it to makes ends meaet and then shooured up on a grassy knoll and shot Jack with a magic bullet.

Staphylarch 45rd

We can see here that the antimass spectrometer does not work well under we went to the curces and burned posies to celibrate (and liberate Mae) We love to booze and curies it is our foritude and our armour and our shield. I've had too much Extra Smooth Premium RONRICO (silver lable) est. 1860) Puerto Rican Rum. S0 now I'll r3g41 j0) with a Christmas Carol and then turn the cook (Morool) into a fish so I can eat him.

Staphylarch 6th

The Russian pesants are tastey

like fish

and I've lost my pen. It is sad when a man loses his pen. It was red and gold and had a lisp and talked like a ninja who I killed one once.

Staphylarch 7th

We are pirate ninjas on the sea
We drink rum and scotch and sea
'Cause we're pirate ninjas on the sea

Staphylarch 8th

Mario is a dug raved lunitic. We discover this while calling (505) 555-5583, when mintues cound and


matters . The man showed up and we turned into fish, metals were rewarded until crab lice attacked because the ship tried to get into the pants of the U.S.S. Arizona. Which sunk when Japan ate olives, after wards of course.

Staphylarch 9th

The nineth day of Staphylarch is celribrated by burning Thorow. Thorew burns well. Watch it burn.

Staphylarch 10th

Is three a mthdoe to thsi mddnssae? I Cptnaai Geoforus LaveLmp do declclrae that a crssbrdoee of prtsiae and nnjsia wlil svae the hmnua rcae and now I'll dncae to A Dead Man's Party and Halcyon!

Staphylarch 11th?

We raided a boat with a woman on bourd, suprisingly it was mail and turned against us. It was a Witch King from the Lord of the Rings and druenknk off run. I ate it with a spatua and drunk rum with hog and beatle juice while listening to Lenon and eating lemons. My God! Richie is hot like Gabrial the Werm and 70s movies and pirates do not mix. Booze me!

Staphylarch 12th

Summer is here and it seems strang, even in a dream to see those dead men rise.

I do not think this trip is going well. I believe this boat has wheels and that worries me. I spent all day in a crowded child safety basket want to eat ham, but all we have is elven bread plundered from the lich King.

Staphylarch 13th

(Editor's Note: Do to the unintelligibility of this page I had originally tried to create it as faithfully as HTML could. In that I failed. I can only surmise that it was talking about time travel in a Delorian type car and that the captain fought Captain Planet.)

Staphylarch 14th

Blew up Laughery's Delorain and now that man is after us. He is a Level 3 Dragon Lord but the Arm's Master is a level 14 Arm's AMster. Sorry Dragon Lord, you're dust! And now the page tore!

Staphylarch 15th

Today in the name of Takn-ania, we turned Gulizver and the Yahoos into a tastey brew of Handycam.

The cook resentfully cooked it for use use (being the cook) so I killed him and turned him into dust. Sony makes a fine handicam so I took the tower shield and the cran and made a Mnmntoue (or mmrooia) out of it. I called it a van.

Staphylarch 16th

The Boonhurst has four wheels, I counted. Because it is only four and not 3 I deciede to clbrteiae with a plndrue, which was none of my men got. It was female so I resurected the first mate, harpooned it and since VNV Nation capulated with it the jester set him()self on frie and we fghtou off SIDS and mtrbtsauae to the music of the Spheres.


Staphylarch 18th

Insanity insuse as the Jester kills the cook with a Paul Davis Restoration!

I scoold him then resurect then kill kill the cook with a kilt to ensure he didn't provoke the jester . The 3rd mate, which we don't have turned to stone so I killed mario nad ate Yoshi. Wha ha ha!

Staphylarch 17th

Amimevideoturnsboozeintoapsycidelicplayground.Pirateninjas, boozelikekingscauseI'mdrunkasalord,didyouiseethetruelight? It is a foren ship from Stefonesnevo.

Staphylarch 19th

(Editor's Note: Below this entry there is a large discolored spot which the captain has circled and labled as "Booze Stainy (Ronrico Rum)".)

More Ronri co, and the captain of the forin ship fires on y us2 We turn into bats and kill him with kilts, tower shieds and ground tatics of Tuxer Max and Maddox. We are th d1f1t1v3 pirate Ninjas on the sea!

Staphylarch 20th

TIME to reap the WORL WIND. I personaly beheaded tho captain of the enemy shile whie ginging Dixe Cup songs and G.W. was dethorwed and I ate hime. There is methed to Boonhurst, I am the captain Geofourour Lave Lamp, Pirate Ninja King of the


eat me squid BOY. .

Staphylarch 21st

Today I resucect and "cut" all the people I think about. Itis in celibration of the death of the blood boozehound whocj os wjat tje Stefpmesmevo captian was, and my hands look like.

Tenseerror me if you want I am inviscible.

Staphylarch 22nd

The crew thinks I am a insane. I eat them all.

Staphylarch 25th

The boat does not have life rafts, this concerns mee. The king of Rock and Roll, Mark Twain ate peppers and said

"Weezer, I give you unexplored Island number three- it has acholoic ege nog. Beware of this and other temptations or else one day you will die."
. So I said, mere rum@ and there was rum. Sivlever lable.

Staphylarch 26th

Today the cook mutanied and as it is Chrismas Eve's eve I killed him with a spagetie fork named Eric the Red and turned him into EtC who turned into pirate Mac CavickindoHe me the wheel t*.

Staphylarch 26th?

Drawde has Narrow Fellows in the grass, they are female but do not like the second mate.TheyareUNDEADandahatisthecrux.I willneverpullnderthemfortheywillkickmyasslikeAssi.EeimrcshelpDrawdeis UL uni but death.

Staphylarch 27th

I bounce my head and still the fingers of the enemy draw close the jester panics and kills the cook I must nurt the cook for this.

The voice drink to Elba where Napoloen is. He is freed and kills france. Beo Doctors declace booze good for teeth (andFrance) the time is 2:06 ans I writethis and sober self will find the eye enert winning.

Staphylarch 28th


Staphylarch 29th

I have a mohawk. Funny!

Staphylarch 30th

O the Captain of the Roofer Boonhurst sailed the seven seas!
One day he came upon a penitent on his knees!
Said the Captain to the penitent, "What is there to see?"
Said the penitent to the Captain, "O the sea the shining sea!"

Staphylarch 31st

I still smell the seo of couroption. The Eradicotor is in town and his morinfens march with Fenn of the Spire.


Pesek 1st

It is the first of Pesek. A mounthnamed after the great Bach Mastrobatory sesoin of Pesek who had a Delorian at 88 miles an hour while playing Bach to the future ♫♫♫♫♫# while listening to Yo Yo Ma!

Pesek 2nd

To today is the sencodn day of You You Mama who we captured and sent to Eifle sixty Six and ate peperoni. I want a beer. I captain of the Boonhurst do love my Emporor and country and not Papatin but Zack the Hyper Lord of all SNESand So Fu Ya, his adviser who could be So Fun Yah! baby. Time to urinate with dolls.

Pesek 4th

Today I vometed both rightously and sinfully into to ocean. Near Wal-Mart and Christians John 4:24. I have decided.

Pesek 5th

The words they march across my noses.
Whether it be to pose for prose.
Dragon net! I see a Blue Dragon! Wrapped in flith saved it yea rightous. yeah bashful. yea harry.

Pesek 6th

(Editor's Note: This entry could not be done justice by HTML. In appearance it looks far more like Nate's Word Galaxy than it does anything else.)

Pesek 7th

More trouble insues as the slain Oars Mastur returns as a zombie pirate ghost. I maybe dryb ro ebyam hgih but Captain Morgan say's I'm ton dna I tsurt eht yug. Unlike Sarah, the COMMUNIST ast and Arnold the Terminator. and I and I truet, the guy. I am pleased the voyage is going so well.

Pesek 11th

Today a rock got lodged in the weheel and we are grounded. I sent the jester down to fix it.

Pesek 12th

Turned in to weebles today. It is quiete unexplainable.

Pesek 13th

The primal beast that stalks the land/ Has only two thing in hand.

Suplimental : Any port in a storm they say and I've found every port there is! We'll need them for a storm is on the way...

Pesek 14th

Storm hit today, but we are in a safe port in our minds. Collectively out beliefe wins out.

Pesek 15th attomarsontuesdatyofitpeskeintisfldSUNDAYtheforthofsundayonethenotusualstnmftramslateperionnotungally TRANSLATEfclostTHYTAB Sortinbrasandthebeotloptandwe are all very bastards huters and on the way sunday sunday sundaybepoep cowboy bebpo and butterfligethemostperrywandyellowand butlle sjkyes.

Pesek 16th to 18th

(Editor's Note: Once again the text is unintelligible. Words are written over words and large splats of ink abound. In the Pesek 17th entry we find large drawings of eyes made by a shaky hand. We know from Tomach's journal that the Captain ingested several pounds of British money along with what could only be described as a "heroic" dose of מַצָּה‎l.)

Pesek 19th

It is a someday midnight and we have finished putting the final touches on the saudec head mask which is now at the bow side of the boat. Using our master skills of metalurgy we have constructed this behomoth out of ruberbands and sealing wax. I christened it Psychology and We did rejoice.

Suplimentary: The cook is a fat newton.

Pesek 11th

I inestigate he hull to-day it is made of intersecting metal bars of micro size.

We are in the middle of the ocean and yet it appears to not compromise our situation.

Nemo must be found
That is the end of it.
Finding Nemo may be difficult

But my BEAST LOINS will do the job

Way too too way too too much.WWttttm.

decoding... ... ...

CypherL: Mellons!

Pesek 22nd

We followed a bandwagon created by Aticuns who liked to be called Urma Dunpeel.

Molested by a dog while fishing for supper in the shoals off of concrete island. The mercury lable on the port side of the ship was damaged. We fought off the dog and the Armsmaster leveled up (level 15 BadAss)

Suplimental: Discoved why revenge is best served cold. hot revenge bubbles over the lid.

Pesek 23rd

God damn the lions! Lional Richie summoned four of them to harrass our modest ship and we are having little success ignoring them. They forced us to use our

Guns of All Out Pirate-Ninja BassAss-ness


Unfortuntly this shut down our Antimatter engine and so the Forge is fixing it. Our Engeeara Engineer (to be declared on arival) is missing. I do rightly fear that he may have fallen over bourd and been devoured by ^the sea lions.

Pesek 24th

Obsesion time. We must find Davy Jone's Locker. Whatever it containes may get up back to Taknania. We dropped ancor in a rocky part of the sea filled with, naturally, rocks.

That Pen-Jay-Low, the cook, is acting up again. I harpooned him like the Jesus lady and deep fat fry his brain in his skull. I then revive him. He shakes his fat ass. I send him over board to look for the locker.

Pesek 25th

Last day of Pesek. We celibrate by dousing Morool the Cook in lamp oil. If not for fear of fire we would have had him lit up and burned.

Complimentary: The shrimp.

Pesek 26th

port the toward ship the Turned
of Gabralter. I'm none too pleased
The. wheels our of shape the at
one on the left port side is out
more and Also. alinement of
worry some is that we apear
for oxygen enough have only to
twenty-one more days.

Pesek 27th

Captain Beastly Loins returns in an all out adventure extravaganza. When a rich infulencal good king's daughter is kidnapped by serial rapists it's up to Captain Beastly Loins to track her down and get her back. Join the Captain of Savage Manhood as he battles Nazis, sharks, and Nazis trained Ninjas in this classic sequal to Captain Beastly Loins: Pillar of Justice . (We watched it all night.)

Pesek 28th

We spent most of the night dr1nk1ng my w1f3's sh3rry. T3h s3c0nd m4+3 (Manbobi) l34rn h0w t0 p155 f1r3 and w3 s3+ 4N an enemy tarif einforcer 4fl4m3. We must be near the shores of Stephonesnevo to have spotted this craft. Stephonesnevo spell a backwars is Ovensenohpets. Oven Senofets are tasty. Long live Senofets.

Pesek 29th

To be in sight of enemy shores is a cadid relief. If we are near Cape Blow-Me-Fuckers then the Jester will naturally be able to point home. These days it is a pleasure to hear the scream of a dying man in a victori th mittens on and in this way do we kill these men.

Pesek 30th

I awoke to find my video collection robbed.

Pesek 31st

We've set a course directly west-ish. Cape Blow-Me-Fuckers has shown us the way home.

The cape has a history attachted to its name. Aparently the duke of Palono was to name the city, but the king of Stefonesnevo wanted the city to be called named after his daughter Sania Vante-Pompes. The duke was not willing to be presuaded.

Pesek 32nd

Robot loving is the only loving
So check those high end processors out
Robot loving is the only loving
So check that highend processor now
Binary fuission is the way to go

Downloude the sound bites now!

Pesek 33rd

Seem to have lost the right wheel, even now the Wheel Master (Marx) is searching for it. Once found we will continue and we will fight off Romans.

Alvalmer 1st

No Romans to fight but the Slain Oarsmaster has returned with all the versions of the cook that I killed! I expect them to be on us to-morrow. With out the right whell escape is immosible

Alvalmer 2nd

Epic battle with the Slain oarsmaster. Just before dawn. Most of the hospital staff hospitalized and this is bad. Avinea, which is morphine sulfate extended-release capsules, was loaded into the cannons and fired but Oars Master only transformed into a Pimp-Dog with many fine bitches and oars.

We can not fight them all. Instead we race toward Taknania where the Emporor's fleet wil will take of this ghost/zombie menice. Ten for ten.

Alvalmer 3rd

"Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time." -Steven Wright

But we can't walk you fiend! The ship will take days to repair from the attack and there is lea^uges of man killing desert ar all around us.

Alvalmer 4th

Sent the 2nd Mate (Manbobi) to find fire wood. he insteed found Bobby Fisher, who is female and seems to fancy the second mate. After spearing Bobby like a fisherman spearing a fisch, we roasted him in a toaster and ate veal with pitch folks. Then we drank bilge. A lot of bilge and bile-age.

Alvalmer 5th

Found Davy Jone's Locker after much searching. It is full of water logged bones, unable to log-out.


Alvalmer 6th

Seems we have the smell of dog on board to-day. Crane wine and Sakédo wonders if one wants to ignore this seemsmell. Off in the distance we can hear the sound of people working on the Chaindrain.

Alvalmer 7th

I have never known hunger, but I know fear. Frea cmsoe and fear goes but the Lovecraftien NIGHTMARE be()hind us chases the ship with a precistance I, myself, do not have.

It's name is Larchambohau, the Blue man, I know this and I fear.

Month date day date comma year date

Lost the blue man by a church. Stevistopol and robin mrulow meet the Eye of the World and I waste my time.

Alvalmer 9th 19432

Lotensin(r); benazepril HCI, has been consumed by half the crew! I know not what to do except scream, "You do not know what have you have done!"

Alvalmer 12th 19432

Past'ed a grocrey store to-day. Many ships moored their by Moors. Sextant is still not fixed but I believe that we're some where in the Unexplored sea.

Alvalmer Friday 19432

Out of Oxygen! we all die of carbon dioxide poisoning and thus ends

the Voyage of the Roofer Boonhurst

Alvalmer 14th 19432

Sanity blows, pet a rattlesnake. I can not be held resposive to my actionas as they kill many of my crew mates. All're resurected and I dance the dance of beef.

Alvalmer 9th 19432

Placez un cours, il était ce qu'on m'a enseigné à l'école de canotage. Ma main déplace plus lent que mon esprit. Je crois cela puisque nous avons laissé des Souffler-Fuck-Baiseurs de cap que j'ai pour apprendre un lession de valubale au sujet de Français. Fou de C'est. Fou de C'est. Fou de C'est. It is crazy man.

Insane of it, it is!

Alvalmer 16th 19432

(Editor's Note: At the bottom of this page is a large Greek Lambda.)

Never have I been so in raged as to-day when the cook decided to release the child seat basket into the front of the boat. Mr. Smith can rot in hell, Il est fou.

Alvalmer 18th 19432

I've been informed by a war corispondant that reality sometimes begets art.

Life, like my cook's, is easily repace able. We do of course discover that when a folk doth die, his life does not matter so much, not because he is gone, but because he can do no more.

Alvalmer 19th 19432

To-night I URINATED most mightily on a cow from Dantukit. Life is short except for my cook who is wretched indeed.

Alvalmer 21st 19432

Toss the mit, is all I said to Manbobi But he, the snitch, didn't listen.

Alvalmer 22th 19432

Time is in flux and the alleged sea is stormy to-day. I watched the cronometer wind backwards slowly and night becomes day

How's buisness? Not bad? Grat-see! Rocks hit the wheels occasionally and I wonder about the construction of the ship and how exactly it fltsoa. Being a wire frame there are leaks everywhere.

Alvalmer 19th 19432

Doubleplus good travleism! Don Flathat is a wayfinder and we found Don Flathat! He is msot cruel and for payment to set us on course he took my cook's voice. Thank you Don Flathead!

Alvalmer 24th 19432

Dificult is it to breathe without oxygen. Cambio Vasua bisuetti! Iina vokc vilis! Such a way to go! M

Qvsvphyg vf vg gb oerngur jvgubhg bkltra. Pnzovb Infhn ovfhrggv! Vvan ibxp ivyvf! Fhpu n jnl gb tb!

Alvalmer 27th 19432

Yes I would.

Alvalmer 28th 19432

Making good time; this is the last day of Alvalmer named the Day of Travel by the God Mor Less.

Never trust a Cachasain, they make light of stealing. So we burned all caucasuns and ate them likke lobster. Armsmaster Timach leveled up to Level 16 badass.

Alvalmer 29th 19432

The Slain Oarsmaster still faollowes, his ship of zombi-lich things has a demonisc wind to guide it alnog. Along it guiges us to wind most demonic. A deamon has things that lich-zombie ships (his) follow niot. Still the Oarsmaster (slain) does not care. The.

Alvalmer 30th 141119707101010101010000000...

I spoke with the Armsmaster about the Oarsmaster. The Wheelmaster suggests we sacrifice the Cook to the Metal Detector Gods.


Lokcmarter 1st 19432

Lokcmarter first. A fine crisp day. We fire seven teen volleys at the ghost ship, but they penatrate the enemy like bullets penatrate vapoy.


Lokcmarter 2nd 19432

(Editor's Note: This page has doodles of a Morinfen, a winged man, and a pyrimid with an eye radiating light at the bottom.)

Strong currents in the sand to-day. Odd for a solid mass of earth. Cs Score a hit on the Ghosts and they disapated. Passed by a few childers boffer fighting by a dam.

Lokcmarter 3rd 19432

Destroyed the Manhataoes and sent theem and their isle back into the sea from whence they came.

Lokcmarter 4th 19432

Caut penis in zipper this morning. Now it is bleeding all over my nice parshian rug (It's from parshawn.). Elifants dance on the deck making a horible ruckus. I'll blame the cook the moment I stop drinking.

Lokcmarter 4th 19432

Heavy brick and brandy Brim
all filled up with Randi's Gin

All the fishes tote the sea tobm and finally I am seeing familiar signs, of which I am familiar with. The famous crystal rocks of Al Jazzear are now visible glinting off the port bow like maple honey leaves. Around them coated in Everylight are floating pilars of orange pulp. We are in familiar waters. Home is not far away. To-marrow I shall tell the crew of this. We'll butcher the cook to celibrate!

Lokcmarter 6th 19432

Slight encounter with an enemy derigable. We harpooned it. It was female and seemed to like the second mate. More to like took a "fancy" to the 2nd mate. Own and arbored and all that.

Soon we shall see the crystal towers set around Taknania Harbor.

Win U wist apron a stir.

Lokcmarter 7th 19432

Got my jolleys off to-day and good thing as they were smelling of the greasy awful. Another enmy ship spoted. we harponed it from the child basket and then sent in a torpedo to finish the job. Even Morool seemed satisfied with this victory and served us boiled cabbage. We ate the cabbage.

Lokcmarter 8th

Ran into the L'Engle, the Charles Wallace and the Goshen; five famous shps of the Andervania Navy and our Empire's sworn enemy. We fire twelve photon torpedoes into the Goshen and open up with Busters on the Charles Wallace / The L'Engle responds with a beer run; this is run by the Stratch Master who appears to be made entirely out of primrose. They are no match for the Nippon Blaster. The L'Engle begins to take on water and we shell it repeatedly with warhead death.

Lokcmarter 9th

The L'Engle sinks at the first light of dawn and we harpoon several of Its sailors before the OarsMaster shows ip, having finally caught up, and starts sending Morins at us.

Evil tools of the Nullicator we fight the beasts as best we can until we are forced to flee toward Taknania.

Lokcmarter 11th

Can see Taknania: The shores, the buitiful white towers. And yet my jsɐɥ ʍou ɹǝʇsɐɯsɹɐo ǝɥʇ :pǝɥsnɹɔ sı ʎo flying beast men attacking us and Taknania seems to be surrounded by thousands of enemy ships!

While we were gone that bastard, the Oars Master, assembed an army and fleet which now we; We of the Roofer Boonhurst; We Alone; must defeat.

Lokcmarter 12th

Shatter prism in the Guild of Roses
So much pain in a book of poses
Words can damage Words can hurt
Now all that "nice" blood soaks your shirt

The Guild of a Thousand Roses still stands!
Somebody call and alert the Band
You are cursed and dead and Gone
But the Guild of a Thousand Roses still stands!

Your life is ash
Your hand is cold
You never did recieve your lady's rose
Neva culla fiaut con iina!
But the Guild of a Thousand Roses lives on!

Battle hyme of the Rose Guild and the Roofer Boonhurst.

Lokcmarter 12th

First we attack the ship A.S.S. Bordel scrambling our fighters which tear up the ship's sides. She capsizes and sinks. We are counter attacked by the enemy ships Chelsea and the Nadia, the commander of one being the dreaded Emily La Point. The Oarsmaster follows us and shells the Boonhurst whenever he has a clear shot.

We sink the Nadia and a stray shell effectively sends the Chelsea into outer space.

the A.S.S. Trop-mur attacks next and we deal with it like men and board that ship and set fifal charges to its boiler. That done we also strike at the Pardel and the K.M. both are rendured to the bottem of the sea. Still the Oarsmaster persues, I wonder if I hit him with a death ray he'd go away.

Lokcmarter setcun Iina 14th

One of the enemy ships has a portable mana well on it. This we must find or the Boonhurst is done for.

Enemy ships scatter at our aproace and the Boonhurst flays all in its way with Turbo Lasers. We are Death Reincartated. We are THE Pirate Ninjas of the Sea.

So they flee and we drop manying to the ocean floor. For our country! For Taknania!

Lokcmarter 15th

Heavy shelling from the ship Ocean's Dream has damaged a wheel on the Boonhurst. I, myself, Captian Geoforus LavaLamp, repaired said wheel with my teeth.

In retailation we board the Dream and slauter the black eyed cowards to the man. Steel rings on steel until all is silient and we return to the Boonhusrt as the Slain OarsMaster proceeds to sink the Dream.

Lokcmarter 16th

I must resurect half my crew as a lucky shell explodes on the lower basket. The ship responsible is torpedoed repeatedly until it explodes. Never has there been a battle such as this, I drink to that! And I drink again! I will stand on the dead man's chest and say I am fifteen!

And when the Immortals turn from that final battle and that awful mountain they will know that the Roofer Boonhurst was thee first at Taknania harbor. I urninate on my foes.

Lokcmarter 17th

The Oarsmaster attacks from both sides ovisully a trick learned from his learn-ed dark master. We beat off the attack and shell the Sqeeze wich responds by firing Pase-ars at us.

Lokcmarter 18th

Lackluster barns float by the Carnage in the sea. He is the red one, not the black one.

The Oars Master now shells all ships to get at us; his zombie ghost self not satisfied until he knaws at our jaw bones.

Lokcmarter 19th

Sunk both the Kurt and the Trouat to-day. Fire bombed the Sqeeze with our remaining prop-plane. Jefferson Airport got back on our call logs and now there are few enemies left, we having killed them brothers off in the last eight days.

˙pǝʎoɹʇsǝp ǝq ʇsnɯ ʎןɹɐsıssǝu puɐ 'ʎɹɐsıssǝu sı ǝɥ ɹoɟ "˙ʎɹɐsıssǝu-un" pǝɯǝǝp uǝǝq ǝʌɐɥ pןnoɥs ɹǝʌǝu oɥʍ ɹǝʇsɐɯsɹɐo ǝɥʇ ɟo ɯǝןqoɹd ǝɥʇ ǝʌןos oʇ sı ʇı ʍou

Lokcmarter 20th

We board the Oarsmaster's boat and are beset upon by foul harlots. The Second Mate imobiliese sven of thim with his charms and the Arms Master reighns death Supreme with double dragon breath sawed-off shotguns. I, myself, am no coward and slay many a hot blooded demon with dirk and rapier.

And yet! The OarsMaster devoured both the Wheelmaster and the Jester, consuming their souls and effectivly destroying them. While we are fighting on the OarsMaster's ship the Sqeeze cowardly boards the Boonhurst and takes off with it.

Lokcmarter 21st

The Oarsmaster defeats the fist and second mate and sends them to their Final Death/ It is me and Tomacka against the OarsMaster. But he is a cagey Oarsmaste and he sends Ruby Gargoils at Tomacka, my faith-ful Arms Master. None can face his duel Ingrams and giant Jerry-curl.

"Fedieleo!" I call and the Oarsmaster anwsers. He answers in the full and we lock swords. But he is a demon and I am but a powerful, handsom, sauve man and he breaks my blade.

Now Everylight coursing through him and his, the OarsMasters seeks to devour me and mine. But it is not fate. I resurect him and take his ship from the harpy hags.

Lokcmarter 22th

First we use the formally Slain Oars Master and now Oars Man to chase down the perloined Boonhurst and regain it. Then we death ray the Sqeeze until nothing remains.

The Enemy fleet is fleeing back to whence they came and we persue them back to Andervania and innerate the entire country with pram-Arnold devices.

Lokcmarter 16th

We finally have landed on Taknania and I've ordered Lobster for my remaining crew. The Emperor himself will walk our deck and view our leggings, which our quite extensive. Oh and uh the cook will be hanged for his lack of participation in the battle.

Lokcmarter 24th

I've spok-can with the Emperor and has toured our ship. The Amsmaster, Oarsman and I will each recieve the Double Thumbed Gauntlent for Courage and the Brass Monkey for Valour. We each have been accepted into the Society for Preservation of the Comma and Knights of the Extend Realm and free space of Myspace.

Lokcmarter 25th

Prescription packaging? I find some and the Boonhurst a fome ship, is being repaired in the dock. Next Voyage I shall install firebrats in the boilers 'cause they're hansomer than rats. A job well done I thin and I'll slander all those that tell that to me. I've got a family wainting. Ending in T-Minus 5.


O Muse: Bowing out

O muse thank you for stumbly insparation! O Dionysus, takes for clear headed proceedings! And O Emperor PaperMate thank you for your final words about our fine ship: "I never thought a band of crazies inside a shopping cart would do so well." See ya later.z.Into infinaty Forver in this direction.


Total Score: 714,021,642,387 plus taxis

Days at Sea: 161

Months at Sea: 5

Years at Sea: .7

Captain: Lives 4 Score 713,452,371,312 Booty 700,541
1st Mate: Lives 0
2nd Mate: Lives 0
Wheel Master: Lives 0
Oars Man: Lives 1 Score -51 Booty 4
Arms Master: Lives 7 Score 710,567,971,312 Booty 71
Cook: Lives -34 Score -5071 Booty 4
Jester: Lives 0


Tanimus Lied

More to come very soon.

1 In which our crew is enraptured by land mines.
2 In which the Captain eats a calipering.
3 In which the Oarsman finds a pleasant peasant.
4 In which the Captain resolves the crisis.
5 In which our crew breaks through the lines.
6 In which the ship comes home softly.

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