Yesterday | Dizzy->Day_Logs() | Tomorrow
11:45 BST
This seems to be a day where Senior Management have decided that they will meddle in everything I do.
If it had been up to me, I would have used CVS and bugzilla for our project. I had the support of the engineers and product sales. Yet, with the addition of a new Project Leader, all this has been thrown out the window. This project leader is moving rapidly through our ranks - one of his sponsors is our General Manager. This general manager hates Unix; everything must run on windows2000 or 98. The project I am working on is Linux and NT based, but everyone has to work on NT because we're using ClearCase. There's a version of clearcase for Unix but, of course, we have to use the NT version because this manager says so.
I yearn for a day where people cannot make such decisions without having expert and thorough knowledge of the problem at hand.
12:20 BST
I left the lunch table early; everyone was talking about how directionless senior management are. I seem to be on an emotional downward slope; the desire to overeat and take vast amounts of painkillers is gnawing at me.
More beautiful girls in the canteen, I am invisible to them. This sort of situation guides my thoughts towards plastic surgery and intensive psychotherapy.
I retreated from reality for most of this morning, because of the silly management interference in my job. I daydreamed that I was at the E2 london picnic, there were many girls there and we were filmed singing happily to The Last night of the Proms.
I understand that relationships make one happy; I have never been in a mature relationship, so I wouldn't know. What I do know is that my brain (or possibly instinct) is putting great importance on finding a girl to love and protect. It's at times like this I find myself fantasising. Not about sex (not all the time :), but about relationships; picnics, forest walks, holidays, even children!
It is my own fault though. I don't make the effort to go out more, I don't take complete care of myself or my house. There's an immature, selfish part of me that wants instant gratification - I want that "loop" thingy from Logan's Run where people are always available for relationships and/or sex.
I just wish I could shove this deeper. Put my real feelings away in a box like everyone else seems to be able to do. Present a happy face to the world and live in Advert Land.
I know that people are complex beings, but I want to be clockwork. I need to be fixable. I need the watchmaker to replace a spring, reset a cog and squirt some oil on me. I suppose I want a parent or lover to cuddle me and tell me that it will all be OK, I don't need to worry about anything because they will always protect me.
I hate myself because I let people get to me.
13:35 BST
I am shallow - This cheered me up: http://www.calvinandhobbes.com/strips/89/07/ch8907245497.gif
16:20 BST
Thanks for the cool RimRod!
Now I have a headache. Fucking Marvellous.
Hey, um, Jesus? Could you, like, remove Mondays from now on? Please? Amen.
20:55 BST
Yet again, #everything cheers me up. Someone told me a story about dandelions, which made me smile (they shall remain nameless to protect their honour)