This rant is in response to my love, M. I read his note to me about his addictive behavior this past weekend. And although I really love M., I really appreciate everything he wrote, because I'm an addict too. And I am very touched and honored by his trust in me and his (sometime) honesty.
Thank you, M.
But I'm about to say something to you here.
You really do rely on books too much.
How about just DOING the steps, to the best of your ability, instead of reading about addiction?
Have you ever considered that?
No, I mean REALLY considered it.
You know, when I came back this time, I was desperate. I couldn't stop any of the addictive eating or obssessing over food. At all. I got a crappy sponsor, actually two crappy sponsors, because at least I had some one to turn to. Even though their programs were rigid, or their religion got in my way. I had some one until I found N.
And I did the steps.
I admitted my addiction.
I admitted I was powerless, that I couldn't stop.
And then I said - well - yes, sure, that maybe something other than me could help me. At that point in time, it was my sponsor and the meetings.
Then I made a list of foods that I ate too much of, once I got started.
I committed daily, sometimes hourly, sometimes every 15 minutes, that JUST FOR NOW I wouldn't eat any of them.
And made a food plan.
And went day by day, hour by hour, sometimes minute by minute.
Made calls.
And then I began writing my fourth step.
And did all the other steps.
Not to perfection, not anything near it.
And found my own "spirituality" that I know will always change.
You know, it really is just that simple. Just forget all that spiritual crap, M.
Just act like a tennis shoe, and please,
for yourself, for me, for your karma, for your Buddhist practice of sending out good to the world, I don't fucking care WHY,
just
fucking
DO IT.
I love you.
I always will.
NO MATTER WHAT you do with your addiction, your body, your soul, your heart, no matter how much I perceive your actions as self destructive and slowly suicidal.
I will always, always, always love you
forever.
love, me