It's May 21 and it is cold outside. Last night I saw a few flakes of snow fall.
My contribution here is gone. I regretted posting it about 3 minutes after it happened. I was too tired to deal with it the day it posted, and I'll be honest - I'm no less tired today. But I got it away and now the only people able to see that mess are the ones who visit my homenode. Consider this a public apology. I should know better. Mea culpa.
I felt for one thing it was overkill, and for another, I was breaking my own rule - the only time I really write about this place is in a daylog, and why should now be any different? And if you want to know the real truth, there are some days when I really, really hate this place. I get tired of all the bickering and the fuss and the politics and everything else, and some days I think to myself "One day they are actually going to pull the plug. How will it feel?" and the answer varies. It is easy to simultaneously love and hate a thing. This has nothing to do with individual people, it is more of a feeling towards the whole.
Maybe the answer is for me to walk away now. I have too much to deal with so why add one more thing? I am tired and I am broken, and at the moment there isn't a god damned thing I can do about it. (I have the sense to recognize that I will probably be here until the day the plug is pulled. This "come here/go away" feeling also varies.)
I'm going to see my family doctor on Thursday, I'm hoping he will approve me going back to work for short hours at first, letting me build back up to my full hours. I have a feeling he is going to say no, but I am going to try anyway. Because frankly I am completely frustrated and I just want to be able to get up and go and do things and not be so tired and hurt. Really what I want is to see a specialist, see someone who is actually capable of telling me what is wrong. A diagnosis means at least they'll know how to fix me. I don't know. It's sort of like a marathon runner, and one day they break their leg. They want to keep getting back up on their leg and they can't. But the doctors don't know what's wrong with their leg, so they just pump them with pain killers and tell them to sit the hell down. But who's going to race? They need to get up and run, dammit!
I don't really expect anybody to understand what is going on, because I barely understand it myself. I don't expect anybody to care. I'm not the type that likes to milk being sick, I leave that for other people. I am the type that goes to work sick anyway, that schedules six events in the same day, that juggles the lives of 3 other people in a household and still manages to eke out a little time for me. I try not to think about what is happening to me, because frankly it is a little frightening. I don't like going numb for no reason, I don't like having shooting pains in my legs and arms, feeling like my back is going to break. I don't like feeling off-balance, feeling mentally fuzzy. I don't like feeling exhausted. I have never felt this way before and I don't like it. Sadly enough I'd rather go back to just having migraines, at least I could deal with it and carry on.
I think that's enough for now.