It hurts to be the most emotionally liberal person you know.
I've liberal ideas when it comes to physical touch. It is merely a way for two people to show levels of affection, be it a hug, a kiss, snuggling, or even sex. They are just different levels of passion. No romance tied to it, only that the latter are more found in romantic relationships due to the inherent intimacy of such a thing.
But no one near me feels like this. This is foreign to them, frightening. They try to understand, but it is not who they are. They cannot. They want to help but do not know what they can do to assist.
I am forced to do one of two things. I can either:
- Forgo my beliefs, changing them so that the pain goes away, OR
- Live life as a series of increasingly awkward moments
This is not a pleasant way to lead one's life. One shouldn't have to be forced to chose between two terrible things, especially when it comes to one's self.
What brought all this one was that this weekend, I was in Chicago. It was the first time I'd been there, and I went there with a group from my college. It was a great experience, but the great things are clearly not what brought this on.
A close friend of mine, Candice, was there as well. We spent most of the trip together. And constantly, permenantly, I longed to just cozily put my arm around her as we walked. But I knew that was impossible. She has a boyfriend, a close one, and I knew that she would find what I did bizarre. So instead, I quietly walk along, scared to do, scared to even mention what I wish to do. And it began to grate on me.
Saturday night, I tell her. I get to talking, and I get to saying that every single time we've walked alongside each other, I wanted to hold her. I couldn't read how she responded. It was so vague, distant. That caused me a lot of pain, not knowing how she felt about what I'd said. I quickly dropped the subject, but the pain still held. Just a series of awkward events.
I wonder if I can blame society for all this. Society does indeed discourage such intimacy between people who aren't "intimate," but I still find it unduly foolish and prudish. People should be allowed to be close.
I wonder if the reason I want such things is because I'm terrified that people don't care about me. That they don't want me to succeed. A foolish thing to think about, knowing the opposite to be true, but the lack of a physical aspect makes their words seem a little hollow, whether they are or not. I want to know that my existence is valued. I want to be told that my body is okay, wanted, even in some small way. I've never had that.
I wonder if I sound like I'm whining, like I'm offending people. I never want to offend people, it's what keeps me from doing many things. Most are things I shouldn't do anyway. It's not a bad reflex. But it has disadvantages.
All things do.