Today I attended a mandatory
parenting class. Normally I'm
in favor of less government but I learned a lot from the class so in
this case I'm glad the State of Wisconsin realizes how valuable my children are. At first my instructor went through the legal terminology. When we came back from our break we started going
through what our children might be thinking, feeling and some of the
things we might expect to see in terms of behavior from them as they go
through this time of transition. One of the things I found interesting
was how children will try to protect their parents from pain. I've experienced this a couple of times with my own children. The
other day I took the girls shopping for some back to school supplies.
The school my children attend requires students to leave a pair of athletic shoes at
school which I feel is an unecessary expense because for the most part my children are
already wearing shoes they can wear to gym class.
Later that afternoon we were at the optometrist getting my oldest
daughter's eyes examined. While we was waiting for her my youngest
daughter told me she no longer wanted the clogs I had bought for her.
Annoyed with her I asked why she didn't want them as a couple hours ago
she had lobbied for them. I
told her I would be happy to take her clogs back, reluctantly she
handed them back to me explaining that I would be able to save some
money if I took her shoes back. Not knowing what else to say I gave
Jane a hug, I thanked her for thinking of me even as I explained that I
had planned on buying her shoes and knowing that she had a practical pair of well made shoes made me happier
than having the money would. I'm still going to return her shoes as I
think she needs a larger size but it's conversations like that which
make me question the way I'm discussing money in front of my kids.
Deciding what to share with my children hasn't been easy. I want to
be able to discuss what's happening which is difficult given the
emotionally charged nature of a legal separation. I want them to be
secure and happy. I need to have discussions about money and finance
with them as I see a lot of people who were never taught how to handle
money. All of this and more was going through my head as I drove home
from my parenting class. When I got home I placed some calls to
physicians that my father sees. He recently lost his job, part of it
is the economy but the larger problem is he has been diagnosed with
Parkinson's disease. My siblings and I don't always get along. We're
a very diverse group of people and we are all stubborn, strong willed
and opinionated. Today my sister Susan and I put through a conference
call to my dad. Currently he's living in a two bedroom apartment and we
had the thankless job of informing him that he was going to have to
move.
Mental health issues run through both sides of my family. Years
ago my paternal grandmother was treated for depression after a failed
suicide attempt. I don't worry about my father killing himself but I do
know that he is very depressed and if you could see the junk he has
stashed in his apartment you would have him signing power of attorney
forms just like we are. A recent E2 poll was interested in how many
books people have. It's funny how little things like a harmless poll
can really set me off. I've never counted my father's books but in his
office are seven floor to ceiling bookcases that are filled beyond
capacity. He gives books to me and my children whenever he sees us, my
father has always been thrifty but even used books add up especially
when you are buying twenty or thirty of them each time you visit the
store. I know my dad is trying to share something he loves with us.
When my mother remarried she got rid of most of her books. Now she has
about three shelves of books. I think it's sad that she
doesn't read anymore because it used to be something she really enjoyed.
Lately I've been on an emotional roller coaster. My father was
denied unemployment, he might not qualify for disability, from what
I've read at least two limbs must be affected for him to qualify.
Currently my dad's right hand shakes uncontrollably but so far his left
remains fairly steady. Knowing that my father lives in a book filled
world of his own has given me some issues to deal with. I can't stand
clutter laying around. Even realizing that I don't have as much lying
around as I think I do is hard for me to admit. Being in control is
very important to me. Listening to the social worker who led the parenting class gave me some
insights about the way I was raised. Part of me lives in daily terror
of having a house filled with as many possessions as my parents have.
Later on my sister was unexpectedly reassuring, she told me
that my house wasn't as disorganized as I think it is. That helped me because
the minute I walk into a place I start thinking of it in terms of what
I would get rid of mainly because I feel as if the room
is closing in around me whenever I spot piles of rogue clutter.
My living room has a nine foot long couch, one chair, a coffee
table, two bookcases and a lamp for
my two paintings yet irrationally I focus in on whatever people have
strewn about the floor. When I was in college my parents stuffed a
queen sized bed, mirrored dresser, chest of drawers, desk, nightstand
and bookcase into my bedroom. Claustrophobia was my constant companion.
I could barely walk in my room and consequently spent almost no time in
there. On top of my dining room table is my green bamboo fruit bowl.
Above the table is a lamp, I have a painting my neighbor gave to me up
on the wall but the table and chairs are the only pieces of furniture
in the room. Typically I sit as close to the
window as I can and I'm not a real outdoors person but I can never get
enough sunshine. Anyways, I feel better having gotten some of this off
of my chest. Today is my husband's birthday. We had a good talk after I
came home from the parenting class and I still want a legal separation
for financial reasons but at least we were able to sit down and discuss
how we could put the interests of our children first which is the way I
think things should be.