Today is the day I start taking twice as much of the medication that makes me lightheaded. Last night I took both of my daugthers and a friend of my youngest to a grade school basketball game. My friend asked if I wanted to sit down, going up the bleachers wasn't so bad. At the top I felt as if the gym was spinning so I made my way back down to get something to eat at the concession stand. After my hot dog, Fritos, apple juice, and Swedish Fish I felt a little better, but not great. I made my way over to a woman I knew who lived close to my daughter's friend and asked if she could drop the friend off for me. We talked for a while about our various medical conditions. She had to have abdominal surgery to pull her stomach down from the wall of her diaphragm. The result of that is now she has to rely on medications to try and help her stomach empty.
The house is very cluttered, I talked to another friend of mine about that the other day. I'm going to continue working on our wardrobes so I can limit the amount of laundry I do. I'm careful going down the stairs ever since I fractured my fiblula. The dizziness is giving me another reason to be mindful around flights of stairs and things like the bleachers. I no longer care that I cling to the railing and move more slowly than my grandmother would have. I'm afraid of falling and I would rather be safe than sorry which sounds odd coming from me. I did some more reading before I went to bed. I need to stop reading about upsetting topics when I'm already down. The good news is that I slept pretty well without relying on my sleep medication, hooray for taking medication only when I think I really need it.
I've been invited to my niece's birthday. My family is what my therapist would call an activating event. The thought is - my family is judging me, I will be overcome with anxiety, I will get sick from something that is served, and I will be angry that once again my family doesn't take my daughter's food allergies seriously. Here's the restructuring part. I can get snacks and drinks for my kids. I can leave early if I need to, and I can use today as a gauge for how the medication affects me and my head. I'm not going to let some possible side effects prevent me from enjoying my life. I can take some anxiety meds before I leave. I just took one now, it's funny, but I had no idea how anxiety had taken over my life before I went into therapy and started taking meds to counter it.
My mood is pretty high this morning. In therapy a lot of people assign a number to their mood. That hasn't ever really worked for me. When I was at the hospital we had a therapist who came up with different ways of expressing our moods to others. Today I feel like a poisonous green apple. Sour, tangy, and acidic. I'm tired of the girls leaving cups and plates in the TV room, and not putting things away. I'm thinking of giving away some of the plates I have. I rarely entertain and I can always ask people to bring a plate of their own if I would like to invite a larger group. I'm really focused on getting a place of my own. I keep imagining what my life will be like once I'm there.
I could write more, but I'm trying to limit the amount of time I write and other pleasurable activities that spur hypomanic trances. I have papers to organize, clothes to go through, a present to find or make for my niece, dishes to do, floors to sweep, and bathrooms to clean. Once my medication kicks in I'll be calmer and able to think more clearly about the tasks that seem insurmountable in my current state. Last night I read that tracking mood and activity levels can help you and clinicians determine what type of bipolar disorder I might have. This therapist I really liked told me it seemed like I was in a mixed state, I have to learn more so expect to see more pattern tracking from me going forward.
P.S. It's a relief that I'm not schizophrenic, but the hallucinations and voices aren't nearly as bad as the mood swings and paranoia.