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Today my youngest daughter is sixteen years old. More than sixteen years ago I thought that I might be pregnant again. After my second miscarriage which was my third pregnancy, I felt like I was familiar enough with the signs and symptoms to state this with some degree of confidence. It was my body and I had done this before. He wanted a test and I refused to buy one. I said that sooner or later we would know for sure, I was mad at him for not taking my word for it, he could have purchased a test himself, but he didn't. Every year this is an emotional event. This year I won't be seeing my daughter at all, and it's more than just remembering the day that he would not take me to the hopsital, or watch our toddler who wanted and needed lunch. He had a meeting to go to, and I said that I was positive that if he called said participants and told them that his wife's doctor had told her to go to the hospital, they would understand.

When it was clear that he would neither transport me or supervise our child, I called his aunt who lived down the block from us. Having met her three weeks prior, it was an awkward conversation. But she agreed, and I will forever be grateful because otherwise, my daughter would have been born at home, which wouldn't have been the worst thing either, but that is not why I am writing this. I arrived at the hospital just after one, about ten after if my memory serves. She was born at 3:48, he was there for approximately the last ten minutes. She would have been born earlier, but they would not break the sac of fluid surrounding her until my doctor arrived. I was told that she had green hair, and later on I was mad at the staff for delaying the birth. I have not dealt with the emotional impact and fallout of many things, so I guess I am starting with this. Go me. Go her. Go all of us.

Monday I had a bad day at work. Saturday was not great, but that was customer and fellow employee related. Monday was the day before her birthday and I sat at my desk until tears were streams streaking my cheeks. I probably could have sat there for as long as I wanted, but something made me get up and go ask our GM if I could go outside for a few minutes. I gave him a quick rundown of why I was upset, and he told me to go take a walk. People don't like to be bothered there. He wasn't rude about it. He has twinkling blue eyes, and I actually normally like and respect the guy, there's just not a lot of nurturing there and I guess I'm not too surprised. There's no real praise or encouragement either, every once in a while I hear something, but I also try to seek it out. My friend told me that I must have felt so sad and alone when she was born, and I was so shocked at what I had read, I couldn't process anything for a minute.

I seek and value harmony to the extent that I will do almost anything rather than make others feel bad. Perhaps I could have asked to be left alone while I felt the shame of abandonment. I was good enough to have sex with some nine odd months ago, but that's about all I was good for back then. People thought I was a single mom. Now I really am, and I realize that it doesn't matter what people think of or about me, social indifference is a power, but back then I didn't know that. I felt like I must be a bad wife, a rotten mother, children were supposed to come into this world with both parents present, when possible, and it was certainly possible that day. He threw tantrums and sulked in his own way. Looking back, I have blocked much for my own sake, but there are some harsh cold moments when he was exactly who I thought he was, but didn't want to admit, and maybe I was even giving him the benefit of the doubt that he didn't deserve, I don't know for sure.

What I do know, and this is the good part, is that I have learned things since then. Sunday evening I went out on a date. I am already done with him. Tonight I am listening to Natalie Merchant, I have always loved her, and I'm happy to report that something really good happened. I ended up connecting with a guy that I swiped right on for several reasons even though he has tattoos, I'm not normally a fan, they scare me for some reason, and I've never really unpacked why exactly. He has several black and white photos, and the only color one was him playing softball. He didn't see my greeting right away so it was much later when he replied, I told him not to worry about it, the same thing has happened to me, and I tend to be the forgiving type anyways. We did the 'good morning' thing today, and it was such an unexpected gift to me.

Monday I had told him about the bad day and why it wasn't great. He got back to me with something short, but empathetic, and I sent a GIF back with two people holding hands along with a thank you for the sentiment type message. This morning was a lot of fun. Yesterday's conversation was more serious. He asked what I was looking for and I don't remember what I said, I was surprised when he said he was interested in a real relationship, and actually seem to be. Some people will say anything if they think it will lead to them getting laid, but he followed up the real relationship reply with things that made me believe him. When he asked what I wanted in a man, and by the way I am paraphrasing this, I told him it was the way that he made me feel. I used to think love was a feeling, and I was wrong about what those feelings were.

I used to believe that Love is an action verb, and I still know this to be true, but now I know that the feeling I need is that safety and security that allows one to relax their guard and just be. I will go back to my college psychology classes and remember what I can about the hierarchy of needs. Once my safety needs are met, I can move onto things like lust and flirtation. Before that, no. The old me would be picking this apart, overthinking it, being super anxious, and I can't deny that I have done some or even all of that. But I have also taken it for what it is, allowed myself to ride out the minor unsettling moments, and just go with the flow. He said he needs communication, and he's followed through on that by texting me when he can before work, and during the day when we could manage it. I suspect he is more listener than talker, but I did find out that he is not into the girly girl type which I don't think I have ever been.

So it's been a day filled with some really good feelings. A woman I didn't think I would ever hear from again called me back. I'm going in on my day off so she can test drive something else, and I'm praying that this works out and I can sell a vehicle even though that would mean staying there even longer on a day when I could be relaxing, but I am committed to this and willing to pay the price if and when it is required. If I sell a vehicle, I earn some money, if not, I get to go home early. I win either way. Really this is how I should approach all of life, but I don't. I want to write more about work, what me and another guy did to try and get the vehicles that I think she may like ready for her to see, and in one way I'm glad people have no clue, and in another I would love for them to see the time and effort that went into this.

I am new so I am still learning the inventory. Perhaps I should know that by now, but I don't. I want two vehicles. One in each trim level she has not seen. One we had, it was red which is the only color she absolutely does not want. Yesterday I took another employee over to our further off site storage so I knew that we had a vehicle over there, and maybe that would have been the right call after all. The first vehicle was so new it was still wrapped up and we didn't want to deal with that. Back to the dealership. Someone mentioned another vehicle that would work so we drove back there. The battery was dead so we drove back for the charger. After jumping the vehicle, my partner in crime accidentally shut it off so we had to jump it again. The vehicle had plastic rotor covers on that are a pain to remove. But I learned how.

Then I discovered that we would have to charge this vehicle for a lengthy period of time. We needed a trickle charger, and one might think that a dealership would have one for sales people since this is apparently not an isolated incident, but the first tech (read mechanic) I spoke to said that he was using his personal one and shooed me on to the next set of guys who I like better. They were nicer, but no more helpful. Finally I asked if I could just drive the stupid thing around for a while. It sounds like fun, and on some leve it was, but it was rush hour traffic, I was trying to maintain a certain number of RPMs, and when driving a brand new vehicle that is worth more than your entire life, one tends to get a bit apprehensive, especially since this thing could die at any moment on me. I made it back to the dealership safely, and I am extremely grateful for that!

Another first for me was parking a vehicle in a designated special show area. We have a concrete (I think it is concrete) circle and I went slightly too far forward at first, but then pulled it back a bit. I was proud of my park job, glad that I had asked for advice, proud of myself for so many things, little things, big things, who I am emotionally, who I have become physically, what I am going after, what I do for a living, how I do it, the way that I am shaping the world in my own special way; the friends I have, the food I eat, the thoughts I think, the way I pray, the things I have overcome, the overwhelm I still deal with that is a bit lessened at times. I can't believe I am alive at times, but it happens to be true and I never again want to remember the past the way it was. I have a lovely daughter who is her own person and I am blessed because I was there all the way from conception to birth, and that is her gift to me and mine to hers. What a wonderful day it was sixteen years ago.

Xoxo,

J

P.S. I found a chunk of a forgotten paragraph floating beneath the end of it and deleted something I want to forget so forgive me if this seems a bit disjointed. I'm exhausted, but felt like this needed to be written. Thanks for bearing with me today.

j