I know I am not psychotic or
crazy.. I mean I would never harm someone. The insanity I speak of is
the war inside my head.
I seem to always be at an extreme, whether I am elated or miserable. I am pretty neurotic, and overly analytical. I know my life has been far from normal. I have these fears that seem like they should be trival. I can do amazing things, but the mundane things I just can't accomplish. I am a seeker of logic, but at the same time, I am just a big emotional pansy. The two conflict sides conflict and argue with each other.
I feel like I want to cry, scream, kick, punch, bite, hug, fuck .. But I never let the world know my struggle in my mind.
Maybe my problem is I am scared to tell my mind to be quiet? One of my dumbest fears is that .. if my mind isn't raging, and i don't feel torn-beat-pain-longing-love-happiness-despair at such levels all at once .. it will just stop feeling anything.
Do I need to fix myself? A lot of guys who I've dated, or have pursued dating me think so. I don't know where to start.. Plus if I "fix" myself, I won't be myself.. am I broken? is it what they call eccentric?
what the fuck? ..
Maybe it just proves how sane I am, because I question all of this? Because I am aware of it. I don't have weird episodes, or do things that people questionmy sanity for. I can play the role of the quirky, untroubled girl.. but I refuse. Why bother, life is too short to spend my time hiding who I am.
Fuck..