Dear moJoe,
I am an ethicist who is investigating the hypothesis that being perfect makes you generous. Would you care to give me your views on this?
- Baffled On Beacon Hill
Dear Baffled On Beacon Hill,
The staccato rattling of my laptop keyboard echoes off of the nearly Brobdingnagian, mosaic tile encrusted walls with a soothing isotonic meter; here in the Lieberman Clinic and Spa, I lounge with the corpulently well-to-do by the clinics vast pools of steamy, therapeutic mineral water.
As the air conditioning washes lethargically over my prodigious contours, I pause in my dutiful typing to stare down the vast expanse of fecund, convex, and hereunto personally unexplored cleavage of my comely foot masseuse, Mandy.
Though Mandy is nearly as nimble-witted as your garden-variety coma victim, she serves her purpose in the grand and unknowable cosmic plan. When quizzed about her financial well being, Mandy observed a notable lack of funds toward the end of the month; which, she lamented, is probably why she has decided to start giving her clients the option of purchasing more extensive massage sessions--stretching quite a bit further up the leg than the hamstring--in the questionable comfort of her doubtlessly closet-like urban dwelling.
Only through my countless hours of introspective meditations has it become known to me--by means of an inexplicable cosmic divination--that I am, in fact, as close to perfect as is possible in a frail, mortal encapsulation. I can say with a fair degree of authority that perfection and generosity have little, if anything, to do with each other. What is in question here are "ethics", "generosity" and the palsied, practically unsubstantial link between the two. Generosity is an outmoded, tiresomely "romantic" concept that simply holds little value in our modern, planetary social construct. What is "generosity", what does it stand for and more importantly; what are the inevitable, consequential aftercomes of a nauseatingly saccharine, generosity laden society?
You may want to co-exist in a small world brimming with trust-fund babies, handout vampires and gold-digging nymphomaniacs but I, for one, won't have it. If I cut Mandy a cheque today to cover her pathetically infinitesimal living expenses for the next decade (which wouldn't be much of a feat), what would happen to our dear, sweet, luscious little protagonist? Drugs? A life of excess? Would an eggplant such as Mandy know how to cope with an unnatural life of ease? Who would perform her valued and skilled extracurricular services for the morally upright, sexually inept economic elite? Imagine the Mandy's of the world escaping the hamster-wheel; it would be economic collapse! An unavoidable, irreparable disaster of cyclopean proportions!
Rampant, leftist, generosity--left unchecked--is nothing short of a winged, stygian harbinger of doom. You and your extremist, "ethicist" cohorts, under the guise of scholarly and charitable benevolence, are quite obviously the false prophets that are warned about in the sacred apocalyptic texts of John the beloved. You are certainly agents of darkness with all your niceties; it's all coming back to me now; promises of peace, glorified by the ignorant and malleable masses:
Luke 6:26 Woe unto you, when all men shall speak well of you! for so did their fathers to the false prophets.
and
Jer 23:16-17 Thus saith the LORD of hosts, Hearken not unto the words of the prophets that prophesy unto you: they make you vain: they speak a vision of their own heart, and not out of the mouth of the LORD. They say still unto them that despise me, The LORD hath said, Ye shall have peace; and they say unto every one that walketh after the imagination of his own heart, No evil shall come upon you.
What say you now vile instrument of the Dark Lord?!
I cast ye out! Back demoness, to Tartarus with you and the wretched dragon you serve! Even your name, "Deborah", is an anagram for "Bad Hero"! You have been exposed; your transparent plotting has been laid forth for all to bear witness to.
I pray for your blackened soul...
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