And then this one time, there was this one bird.
Happy go
Lucky as can be. He didn't know what kind of bird he was, and he didn't care either. He didn't even know what he looked like, coz he never had any
mirrors to look into, and the only time he was near water was when he was thirsty or was feeling dirty, he would drink some, jump in water and
flutter a lot,
chirping and
laughing and
cheering like kids. But he had seen his feathers, and they were all
yellow,
lemon yellow, the kind that'd be seen even if there was too much white around.
Then one cheerful Sunday while he was somersaulting in the early morning dew covered grass (let's face it - birds don't somersault - hydras do...but let's also face this - this yellow bird did), he saw a blue dot at a distance. The yellow bird was unsure about what he saw, so he decided to go near and checkout. Turns out, it was another bird, almost the same size as the yellow one, with feathers almost same in shape and size, but they were blue - all blue, dark blue, darker than the evening sky. The kind you see when you look up at the sky with the polarized sunglasses, or a polarizer fitted on your camera. That kind. OR no, wait, its a little different than that. (Its very early in the morning you see, the chirping and shouting of the yellow bird woke me up, and I got up to close the window, all somnambulistic, can not see very sharp right now) Oh yes - its the sad blue. The blue that sadness covers everything with. The blue that's not soothing or cheering, this blue is mellowing.
So the yellow bird looks at the blue bird who is lost in her own thoughts, looking into the void, she was so busy with her thoughts, she didn't notice the yellow bird. Yellow bird made funny faces, waved a hand before her eyes, to no avail. He was a mischievous bird, our dear yellow, so he, for a moment, thought of "boo"ing and scaring the blue bird. But that's when he saw that her eyes were shining, they were wet. They looked so beautiful, and they made the blue bird look so much more beautiful than she already was, her eyes sparkled with water.
We all know that they were most probably tears, but the yellow bird didn't know that. He had never seen anyone cry ever and he had never cried over anything in his own life so he didn't know such a thing existed. He was amazed, the blue bird was awesome. And at that very moment he felt a very deep and strong desire to touch the blue bird. Now no one can be sure of such feeling so I won't be the one who labels his feelings but I think it was love. The yellow bird, it seems, fell in love with the blue bird.
He came to his senses, immediately tidied his feathers up, looked around to find one tiny white flower in the ground, snatched it up from its stem with his beak and was about to present it to the blue bird when he noticed that in the water in blue bird's eyes, (oh those lovely deep ocean blue eyes), he can see his reflection.
He saw himself for the first time. And hey - he didn't look that bad either, but he was different. He was a different type of bird. But, what the heck, the yellow thought, I have to talk to her anyways. And so he did. 'Hi!', he chirped, rather suddenly. And the flower fell off his beak in the process. The blue bird was startled a little, 'huh!' she said and looked up, the tears fell off her cheek, leaving a trail of dark blue wet feathers.
"Oh lousy me, I dropped this flower I'd picked up for you, let me get it up for you", yellow said, and picked the flower up with his beak. "Here", he said, and well - of course, the flower fell down again because he opened his beak. The blue bird found this funny and smiled a faint coy smile, and said 'Thanks! that was very nice of you. You´ve cheered up the day'. The Yellow looked at her again and was already at the sixth stage of love.
He started spending more and more time with her, he was happy when she was happy (that was very less often) and he was smug and silent when she was smug and silent (that was very often). She was sad about something. She kept missing something she never shared with the yellow bird. But yellow was just crazy about her. Her smile, her face, her color. everything about her was so special to yellow. He told her stories, the funny ones, danced like a clown for her, and often this made the blue bird happy. And any day that the yellow bird made the blue one smile, he considered it a day well spent, and even though birds can't smile, in his sleep that night, the yellow bird smiled, his little beak aching in its odd placement as he slept.
With the passing time the blue bird started losing the darkness of her color, she was less and less sad everyday, she laughed a little more every passing day. She would dance with the yellow bird once in a while and to the yellow bird, there was no happiness dearer than this.
And so one day, when the blue bird was almost sky blue, and the dark wet lines on her cheeks had almost faded away, the yellow bird mustered up all his courage, and went up to her and told her - 'you know blue, I fell all giddy and funny around you, I feel so attached to you, I can not imagine a life without you anymore. I think I love you'...
The blue bird looked back with a surprised and kept looking without a word for a long time. Then without saying anything, just flew away. The yellow bird wanted to go after her and stop her and hold her by her shoulders and ask her what was wrong but he could not. He was too nervous to do that. He felt very small and had no confidence in being able to do that.
That night he could not sleep. Next morning he ran out to their favorite location to see if blue bird was sitting there. She was. She hadn't slept a wink the last night either. When she saw the yellow bird approach, she said:
"
Please stop looking at me like that.
I need to tell you something. I don't know where to start. All I know is somehow I have to tell you this.
You know I love you, you should do by now.
When I met you the first time, all I could think about was how great you were. How intelligent and how witty you were. So much more then me. Here I am, trying to stay afloat through this life, searching for an answer to everything.
You taught me how to regain my balance and most importantly you showed me how to keep it.
But now I have to go. I have to say goodbye and fly away.
I can't bear to see that look on your face anymore.
I am a broken machine. I am the end of the line. Spread your wings and please don't look back.
You want to know why? ...
I am looking for him. The one I lost so long ago. The one I will always love and never have. At the bottom of my heart I have always known that with one word I would give up my life for him. I always did fall in love with the wrong people I guess...
Nothing has changed. Only now I am admitting it to myself and more importantly, to you.
But most of this you already knew or at least guessed.
Please stop looking at me like that. I can see the love in your eyes I can see the hurt in your soul. I didn't want to be the cause of that.
Now I have to go.
All I ask is that if you don't remember anything else I have said, remember this: It was not your fault. I just saw in you something I had lost. Thank you for helping me regain that joy, for saving my life countless times, for that alone you deserve more then words could ever say. You will always be with me.
Goodbye my love.
"
And she flew away.
The Yellow bird didn't say anything all this while. He didn't even see her flying away very well, his eyes were blurred, he didn't know why. Suddenly he felt a drop of water run down his cheek leaving a line of wet feathers behind it. Wet blue feathers. He looked at himself and saw that he was yellow no more. He was blue... All blue, dark blue, darker than the sky. Its the sad blue. The blue that sadness covers everything with. The blue that's not soothing or cheering, this blue is mellowing ... the blue that's opposite of yellow.
{added 16 march 2002}
...and so this yellow bird was turning blue ...the dark and sad one. No yellow dots were left on him. For days he would not move from his place. Just keep sitting on a tree branch staring in the void.
Some evenings I would look at him through my window and my eyes would get moist for I'd miss my chirping, stumbling, fumbling little friend. Will he ever get better? I wondered, will he ever get his yellow back?
"... loneliness is a monkey ... a monkey so scared ...", she says, lying subconscious in my head. Still intoxicated, still not able to sleep. "a merecat separated from his group...".
A few more moments pass ... and I start to hear her speak. I could not make the words out right away. I kept listening motionless, letting the words walk past me, its not wise stopping or interrupting her words, its not often she lets them free. Like a pearl in a shell they live inside her...
"What happened to our music dear? Where did it go", she asks.
I look at the yellow bird ... he's looking at the sky, in the direction where she flew off. He's still waiting. It breaks my heart to see him like this.
"It died....", I tell her and close the window. My yellow bird will never sing again for me ..."
Am using an entire w/u of (darsi) from June 19, 2001 daylog (the <blockquote>'d part). And my w/u stems from the w/u Templeton has contributed above.Thankyou both of you.