February 28, 2006 (log)

Tuesday 28th February 2006 – The Appointment

Third attempt at seeing someone. First time they were ill and the second time I didn’t turn up because I didn’t get the message. Woke up late and didn’t really feel like eating very much. Got changed and, after much deliberation I chose to wear my favourite pair of panties under my jeans with a belt to make sure that they wouldn’t be seen. I did this to kind of make me feel more confident about what I was about to do. Mum and I drove to the clinic in Wycombe and arrived a bit late because of the traffic. We signed in at the reception and sat in a very childish waiting room. I was terrified as my stomach was contorting and my heart was beating very fast. I brought my school clothes and bag along in case I felt like going to school afterwards. The adolescent Psychiatrist was late so we sat around for a bit long. She arrived and went through to the room and we waited some more. She returned and we were ushered to the consultant room which was engaged, with us I suppose. There was another woman in there with a pen and paper ready. The room had plenty of seats to choose from. I asked where she wanted me to sit and she said I could choose anywhere. I didn’t want to distance myself from her so I chose the seat side on and closest to her. She asked what the problem was and I, after a pause I disjointedly told her that I wasn’t sure what was going on in my head. Lots more discussion about my childhood etc. the situation I was in when I told mum. The broken ankle, the divorce, the change in school, the change in house. More discussion and mum was asked to leave after about forty minutes. I was then quizzed on my own about when I thought. She concluded that I was just a normal crossdresser who, under stress, reverts to the safely of my childhood dreams about becoming a girl. This confuses me no end. At the moment I am under lots of stress so I should want to be a girl, which I do. Driving out of the clinic in tears I saw girls walking around and felt a huge powerful hit of jealousy and I want to be a girl. I want to wear pretty dresses and be fancied. I want everything they have and it is tearing me apart not having it. I suppose this is because I am under stress but the power of it feels like something much stronger. I don’t know where to go from here. I really want to tell Harri about it but I don’t know how to explain it. She wouldn’t understand if I can’t understand or explain it. I want to meet another boy like more or a girl who understands so we can dress up together.
That would be a dream come true. I remember the first night I slept in my nightie. That was truly amazing. The feeling I had was so close to all of my childhood dreams. I was so happy. That moment was possibly the happiest have been for many, many years. I want the happiness to continue. Recently I had my hair cut short very short. I hate it. I am going to grow it from now on until it is long and girly so I can do girly stuff with it. I hate short masculine hair because it reminds me of what I am or was. Very depressing. Right now I am highly sad and confused about what to do. I think I would like to live as a full time girl whilst at mum’s and live life normally the rest of the time.