I don't know what to do with this whole situation anymore. On one hand, I'm tempted to do the safe thing, and just run. On the other, I could just throw myself into entirely, come what may.
The worrying was tearing me apart, so I decided to buy a gun instead.
I left the house with a few hundred bucks in my pocket and proof of residence. I went to the first gunstore that I could find online, and ended up in a rather questionable looking neighborhood. Amidst rent-to-own stores, furniture discount warehouses, check cashing joints, and taco trucks, I matched the address on my printout to a name : "We Buy It All Pawnshop."
They buzzed me in the door, after deciding I wasn't a threat. I waited twenty minutes for a fat couple in front of me to finish pawning their wedding ring. I doubt it's to pay rent, it's a little late in the month for that. There's a safety exam required in this state before you can purchase a handgun. The idea of it really struck me the wrong way, until I actually took it. I was done in about two minutes, and I didn't miss any. You're allowed to miss 30%. The fact that they would allow anybody unable to get this entire test right was shocking and disturbing to me.
Sample question:
You should not shoot your gun :
A. At children
B. Up in the air
C. At pavement
D. All of the above
Shooting your gun while drinking is in no way unsafe:
A. True
B. False
Truly shocking.
I ended up just buying a .22 rifle. After realizing that ammunition would quickly eat up what precious little of my college student budget that doesn't go to paying for my student hovel and gruel, I decided that shooting the cheapest thing possible might enable me to go shooting more than once a year.
A friend suggested to me that things like this make for great writing. So I think that I'm just going to continue on, in the most poetically appropriate manner possible, because I don't know what else to do. I'm not going to leave, but I'm also not altering my course, destined for shipwreck or no.