Nothing seems right lately. I stumble through the days, barely doing anything of
signifigance. I tinkered with my
visual basic assignment most of saturday, it's done, but its of such poor quality I don't even want to look at it again. The sad part is there is no doubt in my mind that it will get me
100%.
More work, never a break.
Constant stress, but it's for the best. Even now as I take the couple of minutes to write this node I am thinking too much. Of all the things that went wrong and I
contemplate what could be. Stress blocks all that crap out. There are the breaks, the talks to the people back home but sometimes even those are stressfull.
I remebered thinking to myself on many occasions, that guy does what he wants, doesn't care what other people think and what's up with the fargo thing. There aren't enough people like that around,
the world couldn't afford to lose him. I didn't really know him but it still hit me hard.
I can't help but wonder
what's going to happen. Everyone is moving on. One of my
sisters is
leaving right around the time I go back home for the
summer. Her
friend is leaving too. What will my
dad do, he wants to change, he wants to do something else. What will happen to my
mom, will she ever stop smoking? What will happen to
everyone?
Life can be taken away so abruptly.
Every night I go to sleep
afraid that something will happen and every morning I wake up
scared to death that something did happen. I still remember the call, she said "your dad had a
heart attack last night, he's ok now they're at the hospital".
That was never supposed to happen...
I listen to the music that I remember from the past. It keeps me going. It helps me remember how it was and lets me reflect on how it is now. Always working hard giving us what we needed. The
music brings on a flood of
emotion, it pushes me to try harder. I must do something I can't fall back into the trap and I won't, i can't take shit from anyone.
If you could shut your brain off and have your body preserved for
1000 years when you woke up it would be like you just went to sleep. It would seem like you had only be out for a second. You would have
time travelled 1000 years in a second. This idea fascinates me, it seems so unreal. Like blinking your eyes and everything changing.
Just a thought....
So many thoughts up in my head. I have to give my love to someone or i'm afraid I might lose it. I have to work harder at school or i'll fail.
It's funny, I say fail but I really mean get marks around 82-87, that to me is a fail. I have to let go of the past, embrace the future. Will I make it? What will happen to
the people that matter to me?
I haven't talked to anyone about it, they all think it best to
leave it behind. They run from it, from what it did to me. I can't blame them. But there is no need to run now. I
loved her, all the time not knowing she couldn't return that love. She
guided me through one of the hardest parts of my
life. It was hard to
let go, but i've let it go. I will see her again but
she's gone, what I thought might be what I wanted so badly, I see it could never be.
Destiny made sure of that, it always has.
The
penguins talk to me, well not really but they act as a conduit for my thoughts.
Proud,
confident,
confused,
exasperated.... they stand there staring at me.
She gave them to me, I don't think she even knows what they mean to me.
I'm so close, just a few more things, just a little longer. I want to drive, I want to hit the road driving
god knows where, the music playing the night and
stars my only companions. I want to be small again, back in the car as the we drove across the
country, through the towns on the
cold dark nights, the street lights showing us the way. My
mom and dad in the front seat of our
old car. I stayed awake as long as I could, never took my eyes off the road if I could help it. I loved it,
I want to feel that way again. Nothing else mattered my whole life was in that car, now it's everywhere in
broken little pieces and the harder I try to pick them up the farther apart and more
fragmented they get.
Still
alone, I wait for the day to come when the
future will open up and
accept me.
I miss you,
all of you.