Know that having the opportunity to help is a blessing. Also be aware that no matter how frustrated one may get helping someone who can't currently help themselves, they are equally as frustrated (if not more so) that they can't help themselves either.
"If a friend of mine gave a feast, and did not invite me to it, I should not mind a bit. but if a friend of mine had a sorrow and refused to allow me to share it, I should feel it most bitterly. If he shut the doors of the house of mourning against me, I would move back again and again and beg to be admitted so that I might share in what I was entitled to share. If he thought me unworthy, unfit to weep with him, I should feel it as the most poignant humiliation."
-- Oscar Wilde
Been realizing lately that I often find my self failing to ask for help, especially when most needed personally. I've known for awhile, but realize it more these days. At accepting help I'm so-so, I suppose, but am always trying to do better in that regard. Wondering why this may be, and instead of being an armchair psychiatrist/psychologist and just thinking, Oh, it's because you're a first-born child and/or have a martyr syndrome, I did what many these days do and asked an AI. What follows are the reasons it gave:
- Fear of Rejection: The possibility that someone might say no or be unable to help can be daunting and make individuals hesitant to ask for help.
- Pride and Independence: Some people take pride in being self-sufficient and may feel that asking for help is a sign of weakness or failure. They might worry about how others will perceive them if they can't handle things on their own.
- Fear of Being a Burden: Many people don't want to impose on others or feel like they're creating extra work or stress for someone else.
- Lack of Trust: If someone has had negative experiences in the past when seeking help, they might develop a reluctance to reach out to others again.
- Low Self-Esteem: People with low self-esteem might doubt that they deserve help or believe that others would be willing to assist them.
- Social and Cultural Norms: Societal or cultural expectations can play a role. For example, in cultures that value individualism highly, asking for help might be seen as less acceptable.
- Uncertainty About How to Ask: Sometimes, people simply don't know how to articulate their needs or might be unsure of whom to ask for help. (wertperch says: Best way is just to say you need help, good people will respond and ask, "How do I help?")
Well, isn't that a fine set of mirrors! I see several reflections looking back at me. Pretty much every point actually. I didn't see it explicitly stated but there is also the whole thing about since I rarely ask for help, especially at my
place of employment, I have a high expectation of receiving said help in an expedited manner as well as in the manner I want it.
Unreasonable? Probably, especially in my private life.
Despite these barriers, it's important to remember that asking for help is a sign of strength and self-awareness, not weakness. It shows that someone recognizes their limits and is willing to seek support to overcome challenges. Everyone needs help at times, and reaching out can build stronger, more supportive relationships.
As for offering to help or responding to a call for help, I feel I've always done the best I could within the limitations of the resources I had on hand, even rearranging priorities based on the level of care I had for the person as a friend. But, with my current health situation, I'm in the process of taking a long, hard look at that, too. I do understand when others can't help personally because of lack of resources and because of different priorities, and will do my best not to project my circumstances onto others, good or bad. Am already spreading my wings in asking, as I have a brother-in-law that went through chemotherapy for leukemia, and I have a (once-upon-a-time) good friend from the interwebs who is a co-founder and executive director of a non-profit advocacy group that coordinates cancer advocacy groups, for lack of a better description at the moment, and have reached out to both, as well as other family members. And, back on January 8th, I named E2 as part of my cancer care team and am so touched and appreciative of those who've offered help as well words of support, and as such, will do my best for my teammates as well. All you gotta do is ask...and if you or someone you know struggles with seeking help, however that looks or whatever that may be, it might be useful to start small and gradually build up the comfort level. Practicing vulnerability and open communication can go a long way in fostering a supportive environment.
In short, when you decline an offer of help, you're (potentially) depriving someone of the opportunity to be the best friend that they can be.
etouffee says re asking for help:
both sides matter-
accepting help (graciously)
and also offering it
(without judgment or an attitude-
no expectation of some big gift)